To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

Like a previous poster said if it warrants invites being sent out then you should pay. I've honestly never heard of anyone receiving an actual invitation to something and then being expected to pay. I think it's okay to do it if it's more casual get together among a close group and it's arranged as a birthday lunch or dinner but not for an event that warrants sending invites out to people you haven't seen in quite a while. If you are going ahead with it at least you should stand a round of drink of choice for everyone. I do hope your mum has a lovely birthday and that it all goes well no matter what you decide to do organising these type of things can be a nightmare

On MN you are only allowed to celebrate birthdays with big groups of people if you are rich enough to pay for them all.

Back in the real world this is a normal thing to do. We have been to a few meals where the host has paid for everyones but generally we would expect to pay our way.

I would expect to pay for my own meal, OP. Your suggested wording is perfect.

There can always be issues during big group meals though. I remember when I was much younger and skint (living alone after an abusive relationship and paying own rent etc) I had to budget very carefully. My cousin invited me out for Chinese food with a large group. I said I couldn’t afford to but thanks - she convinced me to come by explaining that it would only cost me a tenner (one of these all you can eat places) plus whatever I wanted to drink. I felt I needed the cheering up and so agreed to go.
I paid for my one drink at the bar separately and was then slightly incredulous that everyone else had merrily ordered drinks and put them on the tab for the table and the bill was split equally amongst all of us. So I ended up paying for my meal plus a portion of the many, many pints that were consumed at the time. Cost me twice as much as I had budgeted for and I was really not well off at the time.
I’m always mindful of this whenever I get to go out now.

That was a bit of a tangent, sorry!

I think if the event is formal enough to warrant sending invites then really the host should pay

Like a previous poster said if it warrants invites being sent out then you should pay.

I’m sitting in my hands trying not to sound snotty here, but if you both call invitations “invites”, then neither one of you should be haughtily pronouncing on etiquette.

Sounds fine. In my life, there's always a mix of paying for yourself or someone else paying, and no one bats an eyelid. Most people don't begrudge paying for a meal out for someone they care about, if they can afford it. I certainly never have. But then I'm in one of those awful friend circles where everyone brings stuff to a barbecue and the host doesn't have to buy that much

I think there's sometime a fundamental difference in philosophy with friends on MN. I see it on wedding threads too, where people don't actually seem to like their friends much and begrudge spending money or not getting what they think they're entitled to. I love my friends and want to spend time with them. I don't begrudge paying for my own meal, or paying for my own drinks at a wedding, or any number of things that MN tends to get very split about. Life is just easier when you chill out and assume the best of people you claim are your friends.

I would absolutely expect to pay for myself and chip in to the birthday girls meal.

Mum has a group of friends from school and they so turned in the past few years. When they went to the oldest's birthday lunch rest of them had agrees to pay for her meal but the birthday girl had insisted on paying for everyone. The others were not very happy cause it set a precedent for for other birthday meals. So it really depends on the social circles on how it is done.

Turned 70*

Welllll, I would not feel comfortable doing that, I would prefer to have a smaller party that I could afford to pay for. Can you get a big cake and scrap the dessert idea? You have to have a big cake!

Honestly, OP, a nice pub lunch on a Sunday for friends celebrating a birthday is absolutely FINE as a self-pay, relaxed affair with one person (you) loosely organising the whole thing.

It’s not like a set-menu, silver service, formal affair with stiff printed invitations.

No faux pas in prospect there at all. Do not let the Hyacinth Bucket crew worry you.

Op, I think your second option is better but I would do a buffet or afternoon tea rather than fish and chips.

PP it’s not Hyacinth Bucket or people not liking their friends. It may be cultural differences as well which makes the idea of “come to my party but pay for yourself” difficult.

It’s not being “snotty” expecting to pay for your own event fgs! I've heard it all now.

I’m in London and in my 40s, so for the last 10 / 15 years, since most of my friends had kids, I know full well they if I ask them out to a restaurant of MY CHOICE to celebrate MY BIRTHDAY, it generally entails (for them) -

• finding / paying for a babysitter (so maybe £75 for that if they here out 7pm-12am inc travel and the babysitter was £15 per hour? Something in that region anyway).

• bringing a gift

• taxis home (friends live all over London so this could be expensive).

So no, personally, I would not ask them to pay for their food as well. If you put on an event, you put on an event. Simple.

Otherwise I would ask them to dinner in my home.

That’s not trying to be superior. It’s the way it is and everyone I know would do the same.

Maybe it’s cultural eg in my country, hospitality is a big thing. My husband is Persian and with his family, you only have to say, “oh what a lovely vase,” if you visit his relatives and they’re literally trying to give it to you. If anything, it’s rude to turn down people’s hospitality, but it’s certainly not considered rude to offer it! But then, even my British friends would never invite you to x location for their birthday or other event and expect you to pay. Sometimes the bar might become payable at a certain point, but that’s about it. It’s not “showing off”, it’s called throwing a party! You also get invited to back parties obviously and you enjoy whatever they put on, be it at home, in a bar, a picnic or somewhere more expensive.

I would never invite someone to a birthday doo and expect them to pay for their meal. It would seem like the cheapskate way of getting presents without it costing money. You may say you’re not expecting gifts, but I don’t think anyone would come without a gift, I certainly wouldn’t. I presume that if your mum hasn’t seen some of them for years that they also don’t live nearby and they would have to fork out for somewhere to stay. Having to pay for a meal as well could make it too expensive for them to come and it would be a shame if a lot of your mother’s friends couldn’t afford to come! Could you not just have something you can afford to pay for?

I honestly think that someone of your mum’s generation wouldn’t expect to have to pay for an invited meal out like this and your mum may be embarrassed. I know my mum would be and would insist on paying for the meals, even though she couldn’t afford to.

My group of friends are a 'celebrate everything' bunch of people.....a birthday meal is a regular thing.
I have never, ever had my meal paid for by the 'host'. It's a perfectly normal state of affairs to pay for your own meal.
Fine if you do it differently but try not to be so blinkered that you can't appreciate there are other ways of doing things.

"I’m in London and in my 40s, so for the last 10 / 15 years, since most of my friends had kids, I know full well they if I ask them out to a restaurant of MY CHOICE to celebrate MY BIRTHDAY, it generally entails (for them) -

• finding / paying for a babysitter (so maybe £75 for that if they here out 7pm-12am inc travel and the babysitter was £15 per hour? Something in that region anyway).

• bringing a gift

• taxis home (friends live all over London so this could be expensive)."

What's this got to do with OP's 70 year old mother? Do most of her friends have small children and live in London?

A night out for a pub meal for me involves a walk there and back because I live close to the city centre and have no children. We're all different.

"Maybe it’s cultural eg in my country, hospitality is a big thing. My husband is Persian and with his family"

Yes, but is OP's mum Persian??

It’s not being blinkered, I was responding to the PP who said funding your own party is now apparently deemed to be showing off (or words to that effect).

If you and your friends have a certain understanding, then that’s great, But the point is, these people the OP is inviting are not HER friends . She doesn’t say how well she knows them or how far they are travelling. What we do know, is that they’re in an older age demographic and probably pensioners, for the most part. So it’s a different situation to a night out with your mates and you can’t presume everyone operates the way you do either.

" You may say you’re not expecting gifts, but I don’t think anyone would come without a gift, I certainly wouldn’"

I would. If it's an acquaintance, I buy them a drink and I might have a card. Presents for good friends only. I have quite a few male friends and I find men don't tend to do presents as much.
I definitely don't expect presents when I go to the pub for my birthday. Some people do bring some, but they tend to be simple things like a box of chocolates.

Gwen I was responding to the PP.

But yes, people will bring a gift - of course they will for a 70th! And they will have to pay for transport, unless they all literally live within walking distance. It does no harm to look at things from other people’s point of view.,

When it was my birthday last summer, yes I would if liked to go to x restaurant of my choosing, but it would have been too expensive. So instead, I made a big paella and cocktails and had everyone over. It was just as good.

"Like a previous poster said if it warrants invites being sent out then you should pay"

What counts as an invite though? Sorry if I missed a few posts, but is she sending formal things in the post? If it's an email it's no different to arranging a night out is it? When I say to my friends 'do you want to come to the pub this Saturday', I'm inviting them, but there's no expectation that I would pay.

"And they will have to pay for transport, unless they all literally live within walking distance. "

Yes, but why taxis? Why not public transport? Is the thing going on till 6am? Is it in the middle of the countryside? And why not car share with other guests? I don't see why all guests would have to be taking expensive taxis.

Well she doesn’t say where they live or how far people are travelling, so we don’t know. They are probably pensioners though, by the sound of it. And they will all bring a gift. As if you go to a significant birthday, like a 70th, without a gift.

I think it’s fine. You’ve phrased it clearly and nicely.

Village Hall, music from your mums era playing in the background, visit to Iceland as a pp suggested earlier.
Sandwiches, sausage rolls maybe. Scones with cream and jam. Tea and coffee. Few bottles of proseco/lemonade for non drinkers.
Invite for afternoon tea.

I’m with Sunflower seeds on this one. My mum would be mortified and also would end up paying.
I agree with all the other posts that as long as guests know upfront that they have to pay - from a guest perspective it’s fine - they can choose to come or not - but from your mum’s perspective I think it could be very embarrassing.