To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

yes, I have never seen a celebration as a transaction. A wedding or birthday present isn't a return of the ticket price so to speak, it is a token of my happiness for the couple/ wanting to treat my friend on their birthday.

But people make out the only way to have a party is to go out for dinner or brunch and make other people pay for the privilege of celebrating with you.

If I can’t afford to take 20 people for lunch, I just take say, 4. If I feel the need to have a larger party and I can’t afford to do it in a venue, I’d do it at home.

The only time I’ve had people pay for celebrating my birthday world be when we were at uni and friends would organise a surprise get-together for you. So you would walk into a bar or someone’s house and it would be like “Surprise Woooo!!” and then they’d buy your drinks. Or if it was in a restaurant, they’d all chip in to cover your food. But that was them organising as a surprise. I certainly would not knowingly organise my own party and expect everyone else to pay for it? When and where did this become a “thing?” It makes me feel anxious even thinking about it, tbh. Maybe I’m old.

I don’t understand either, all these threads about people having elaborate hen / stag events and expecting guests to pay for themselves. Personally, I’d rather do nothing at all than make people feel obliged like that. I don’t see landmark birthdays as that different to weddings or other celebrations.

Agree, monkeycats

That is totally normal in our circle and we have never been to an event where everything is paid for. Wouldn't bother me at all. My mum would be fine with it as it has been the same for her.

These seem to be the way birthday events and invitations are set up in my network of friends and family, including wealthy and penniless, old and young, and different class cultures;

Friends or family set it up for the birthday person: “let’s take you out for your birthday “. Friends and family split bill and cover the cost of birthday person.

Birthday person issues invitation (typically to close family / offspring) “please join me for my birthday dinner”, and they may well pay for the event: the family members will know from custom and practice.

Someone holds a dinner or party in their house or a hall, or takes over a private room in a hotel ... generally the host will then pay, definitely if at home or a hall, but ‘bring a bottle’ is usual, and if a big occasion most people would bring a bottle of something bubbly anyway.

All these are perfectly acceptable, all that is needed is clarity, which the OP had achieved.

People are very short of money atm. I would much rather pay for a pub lunch and see my friend than her Dd be too embarrassed to organise it because she couldn’t afford to host everyone, or even worse, get into debt and struggle with bills.

OP: is the surprise element causing you problems? Suppose you just plan it with your Mum? And whatever you choose, surprise her with a cake?

"But people make out the only way to have a party is to go out for dinner or brunch and make other people pay for the privilege of celebrating with you."

They're not saying it's the only way, they're saying it's what THEY want.

"If I can’t afford to take 20 people for lunch, I just take say, 4"

I don't find 4 to be much of a birthday party. More like a quiet normal weekend night out. I wouldn't want that.

monkey so people with limited incomes should only have house parties or only celebrate with a small group?

People do things differently and that's okay!

Have a little party instead that fits comfortably with your budget.

My mum would end up paying the whole bill in the situation you describe.

SueEllenMishke, not at all, just word the arrangement properly.

This from TrickyD explains perfectly:
The convention is that (1) “Be my guest” means host pays.
(2) “Would you like to join us?” Means that the person invited is expected to pay.

=================================

If you are not paying then do (2) and it's fine, every time. No confusion, no awkwardness.

Not difficult. If you choose to blur the lines though and make it sound like an invitation and that you're the host, then it's bad form. The problem is when people use others to pay for their own events.

And it's always been a 'thing' monkey ...I'm 38, DH is 48, one of my friends is 63 and its how we would all organise a get together.

I arranged a big family buffet this year for several significant birthdays among cousins. It was £15 each and I said I would pay for the birthday "girls" and "boys" as their gift. Everyone was fine about it.

(It was booked for 27th March )

lying maybe you're all organising far more formal celebrations than I am then!!

I've never sent anything different than 'I'm going to X place on Y date/time if you fancy it. Let me know by Z date so I can get it booked'

I didn’t have a 40th because I was sort of trying to gloss over the date and we just went out for lunch as family. On my 45th, my DH organised a surprise party for me but in a way that didn’t cost or inconvenience anybody else. People who are local came to out house, then he’d organised a minibus taxi to take us to an amazing Japanese restaurant in town where some other people joined us and then onwards to a nearby cocktail bar. He got everyone taxis home as it was late. Yes it was very expensive, but a total one off celebration and these are all very good friends. Other years, I’d just have friends over for dinner.

@Thisismytimetoshine are you always so patronising? I never said that. The key word was IF. Do keep up.

I've never seen "Be my guest" on an invitation, only ever as a response to a question. E.g. "Would you mind if I used your toilet?" "Be my guest".

I do those too, SueEllenMiske, informal get-togethers with friends. Occasionally, I might meet up with one and pick up the bill. I just say beforehand, "This one's on me". They're free to order what they want and I will pay. If I don't say so, then it's still (2) and we just pay for ourselves.

I don't do any formal entertaining at all. My brother in law committed a bit of a faux pas though in making very formal arrangements for a pub lunch for his birthday - and we all paid for ourselves. It didn't really matter but it was wrong. If he'd said, "Shall we just all go to X place on Y date for my birthday?", then that would have been ok.

He's lovely though, I don't care.

“monkey so people with limited incomes should only have house parties or only celebrate with a small group?”

Well I accept people obviously do things differently, but all I can tell you is that I personally, would not organise a party for myself or a surprise party for my family that I could not afford. In the same way as I would not organise a big wedding, I couldn’t afford; a hen party I couldn’t afford or any event I couldn’t afford.

That's great and obviously works for you ....but remember not everyone can afford that even if it is just a one off, special event and not everyone has a house big enough to host a dinner party!!

As long as you make it clear on the invitation who is paying, you won't cause anything more than a few raised eyebrows at the very worst.

Personally I'd be paying for it, but that's just the way in our family. Not everybody does it that way.

But you can afford it monkeycats because most people would expect to pay for themselves in most of those situations! I've never known a hen do to be paid for by anyone other than the attendees.

Personally i would feel awkward with this a better option maybe to do a buffet which would work out a heck of a lot cheaper or do one of those pot luck things where everyone brings a different dish as i sure people wouldnt mind this some are cooks others would be happy buying a big gateau massive quiche or whatever to contribute.

Unfortunately, this is tacky. Your party, you pay.

It's not tacky. Don't be silly Durgas.

Where I come from as a child, people didn’t have much at all, relatively speaking, in comparison to the UK, but still a guest is a guest and you offer them what you have, whether that’s a cup of tea or a mega party. Certainly, you can’t ask for money from people in the senior generation. In return, people will always bring gifts If money if you invite them to your home or party, even if you tell them not to. So that’s where I’m coming from and this kind of thing gets ingrained, maybe. But I can say with absolute certainty that I’m not the only one who would feel like this and I’m talking about people in born Britain and from all over the world.

Yeah durgas not being rich is really tacky .... Don't poor people know that celebrating with your family and friends outside of your house is the preserve of the rich? 🙄