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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

325 replies

lilyboleyn · 16/05/2020 18:48

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

OP posts:
pooopypants · 16/05/2020 19:12

So long as the figure quoted will cover the costs, perfectly fine. People can RSVP yay or nay.

MintyMabel · 16/05/2020 19:20

I've only ever heard of people expecting others to pay for meals out on Mumsnet.

I've only ever heard of people being invited somewhere and being expected to pay for themselves on MN.

I would be surprised to get such an invitation, I certainly wouldn't send one out myself. Not sure if I'd think it cheeky, just unusual.

AdriannaP · 16/05/2020 19:24

It’s a bit cheeky but tbh no chance you can organise a birthday party with elderly ladies anytime soon.
I don’t understand why you invite people and then they pay themselves?

PeartreeProductions · 16/05/2020 19:26

Yeah that's fine OP. Hope you all have a great day!

MamaGothel · 16/05/2020 19:29

This is pretty standard in my world. If I go out for a meal I'm always expecting to pay and very surprised if the host covers. I wouldn't think anything of it.

rosecreakybex · 16/05/2020 19:31

I really think it's fine. It's not hugely expensive I'd fully expect to pay for myself.

Hilarious the posters who just can't help but pop on all concerned that OP may have allowed the global pandemic to totally pass her by

Pelleas · 16/05/2020 19:34

I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's known as a 'Dutch Treat' - you could use that phrase on the invitation for extra clarity.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 19:35

I think you need to be clearer, that can be read like you’re picking it because it’s cheap so can afford to invite them all.

I’d write something like ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person, meals at your own expense, but we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

Livpool · 16/05/2020 19:35

As long as you tell people in advance I think it is fine

Crystal87 · 16/05/2020 19:35

No, you don't invite people for a meal and expect them to pay. If it was an informal suggestion like meeting a friend for lunch then it's acceptable to each pay for yourselves, but you have formally invited people to meal, which makes it not right.

rosecreakybex · 16/05/2020 19:41

A "Dutch treat" sounds a bit pervy, don't say that

Rightbutno · 16/05/2020 19:52

I always expect to pay for birthdays. I'd also expect to pay on almost any other occasion except a wedding perhaps. But they obviously tend to be catered.

People always talk about in their family or group the invitee pays. But I've never ever come across this with various groups and families.

wildcherries · 16/05/2020 19:54

It needs to be clearer in your invite that you aren't paying, but if you tell them in advance, they can then decide if they want to join or not.

It varies in my family and friendships groups how we do it, but the most important thing is to be clear up front.

Elouera · 16/05/2020 19:55

I agree with the comment, what would your mum do/feel about it?

My mum is a similar age, and was aghast at being invited to a relatives big birthday recently, but being asked to pay. In her case, travelling a significant distance, paying for accommodation and also getting a gift.

If its clear on the invite that guests are paying, and that you are not expecting a gift in addition, then some would find it ok. It not just a regular birthday though, its a special occasion and a big birthday where you are inviting people!

I'd personally put on at least a basic buffet or afternoon tea. Even if siblings/close relatives helped baked some cakes, cooked some chickens and had a cold buffet.

Another option is to speak to the pub. If its £15 for a main and dessert, then ask them how much for paying for just the main at a set amount, and if guests then want a dessert or drinks, then they pay for those. As long as your make it clear on the invite what you are/aren't paying for and whether you also expect a gift.

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 16/05/2020 19:55

I did it for my 40th birthday. It was really clear on the invitation that people needed to pay (I can't remember) and they had to bank transfer it in advance by a certain date. I took the pov that they were adults and they could decide for themselves if they wanted to be there. I had over 60 people come, it was brill, and so lots of people clearly decided they wanted to be there.

It was a brilliant party.

Rightbutno · 16/05/2020 19:55

Don't know if it's a rich people thing expecting invitee to pay. But are you seriously saying you'd anytime you say to a group of mates do you fancy dinner that you pay. I honestly don't believe that. Surely then the most organised person in the group always pays?! I really feel like the people who say invitee pays always are being purposely obtuse.

myohmywhatawonderfulday · 16/05/2020 19:56

ps I did word it in lieu of presents...

Idododoidadada · 16/05/2020 19:59

should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

Not at all. As long as you make it clear then people will know where they stand and can accept or, if they can’t afford it, will send their regrets. Much better than an invite that isn’t clear so someone spends the whole meal wondering if they are going to have to pay or people happily eating then getting a shock at the end and not having any money so are then embarrassed.

hellotoday27 · 16/05/2020 20:01

No, I think its fine if you are upfront about it, particularly if you are offering something like a glass of prosecco. I assume most people will know you and know you're sitting on a fortune!

I know in this position I would be happy to come and celebrate a friend's birthday. I'm sure if you could pay or could do it at home and cater yourself, you would do so, so I'm assuming most people would be ok with paying.

BeetrootRocks · 16/05/2020 20:03

I'm sure it depends on your families, circles of friends, where you like to eat, how much money everyone has.

If you had a circle of 20 friends and the host was expected to pay for meals out for birthdays I can't even imagine how that would pan out in real life. It's potentially a very large amount of money. Even a pizza express for that many people would come to a bomb!

diddl · 16/05/2020 20:04

I think if it's a meal out then most people expect to pay don't they?

It being to celebrate a bday maybe skews it a bit I think on the whole most are prepared to pay for themselves & maybe towards the bday person?

EmeraldShamrock · 16/05/2020 20:04

I wouldn't ask people to pay, I'd have a buffet. It is different to suggesting to friends let's go for a meal for X's birthday.
Maybe let them pay for drinks other than water, tea, coffee.
I think it is cheeky.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/05/2020 20:04

It's ok, I think, as long as you make it clear they will be paying for their own meal.

Don't leave any room for ambiguity - there have been threads on here before by people who were caught out and didn't realise that they were expected to pay for their celebration Zealand were short of cash. That's an awful thing to do to someone.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 16/05/2020 20:05

*celebration meal - not celebration Zealand, ffs!

OhCaptain · 16/05/2020 20:06

People on here get very weird (anal) about this.

But the way I see it, you're not inviting them to a party. You're going for a meal to celebrate your mum's birthday and you're giving them the option to come, too. It's not the same as throwing a party so you shouldn't have to foot the bill.

I would take out the part about the budget though. Maybe something like "X pub lunch is £15. If you'd like to join us, please do let me know so I can book a big enough table." Or something to that effect.