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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

325 replies

lilyboleyn · 16/05/2020 18:48

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

OP posts:
rookiemere · 17/05/2020 09:47

I think it's fine as long as a) you have made it very clear people need to pay for themselves and b) you don't issue formal invitations saying you are invited to, as to be fair you aren't hosting anything just facilitating a get together. If you phrase it more casually such as X is celebrating her birthday on this date at this time, there will be a sit down meal costing x per person, would be lovely if you're able to come along, then I think that's fine.

Sorry have a bit of a bee in my bonnet as received a formal invitation to an anniversary dinner requesting my presence at an event where I'd be paying my own meal. I don't expect a free meal anywhere to be fair, but nor do I expect to feel like an invitee with no control over what I choose to eat if I'm paying the bill.

Sweetiepye · 17/05/2020 10:06

@Gwenhwyfar
”You may say you’re not expecting gifts, but I don’t think anyone would come without a gift, I certainly wouldn’t”

“I would. If it's an acquaintance, I buy them a drink and I might have a card. Presents for good friends only.”

I agree, not essential for an acquaintance! But the point is, these people aren’t the op’s acquaintances, they are her dm’s friends, which is a completely different scenario! This isn’t a bunch of workmates meeting for a meal for a random birthday, it is friends (some of whom haven’t seen her for years) invited to celebrate the dm’s special birthday!

Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2020 10:09

"But the point is, these people aren’t the op’s acquaintances, they are her dm’s friends, which is a completely different scenario! "

People use the word friends in different ways. If you invite a large-ish group of people they won't all be close friends will they?

monkeycats · 17/05/2020 10:20

But Gwen, saying to your friends, “Fancy meeting in the pub on Saturday?” is not the same as inviting elderly pensioners, some of whom you haven’t seen in years, to your mother’s 70th!!!

nettie434 · 17/05/2020 10:29

Earlier the OP said that there would be about 30 guests. I think that is too many to expect her to pay for. I think the same applies to her mum.

monkeycats · 17/05/2020 10:29

The OP has a year (!!!) to organise and save for this. If she did something in a village hall, or even at home if she has the space, she could decorate it with balloons and bunting etc. As a pp said, play music from their era. Put tablecloths out and make the place look attractive etc. Make a lovely cake, sandwiches, scones and bubbles / juices, tea and coffee. It only needs to be a few hours. I think older people really appreciate a more personal approach and why not treat them? They’re pensioners on fixed incomes and some may have mobility problems that makes it harder for them to travel. The OP could do a speech about her mum and thank them all for coming and making it such a special day and I bet her mum would be very touched.

Sweetiepye · 17/05/2020 10:30

@SueEllenMishke
”My group of friends are a 'celebrate everything' bunch of people.....a birthday meal is a regular thing.”
I have never, ever had my meal paid for by the 'host'. It's a perfectly normal state of affairs to pay for your own meal.

Fine to not pay in this scenario, however this isn’t a group of friends who are a ”celebrate everything' bunch! Nor is it a regular thing, it’s a surprise 70th Birthday!!

”Fine if you do it differently but try not to be so blinkered that you can't appreciate there are other ways of doing things.”

Perhaps it’s you shouldn’t be so blinkered and appreciate that you are describing a completely different scenario?
Unless you and all your friends are partying pensioners that is? Wink

Sweetiepye · 17/05/2020 10:41

@monkeycats that sounds lovely.
I am sure that the op’s dm would be thrilled with that. Far nicer than a pub sit down meal. Also allows for guests mixing and chatting to each other much easier. It wouldn’t cost that much either, apart from the cake (which I presume they would be allowing for anyway).

SueEllenMishke · 17/05/2020 10:49

Some of them are in their 60's....it's a very mixed group. The youngest is 36 and the eldest 65.
When our friend turned 60 her daughter organised a similar thing to the op and we all paid for our own food and drinks.

Thisismytimetoshine · 17/05/2020 10:54

if someone insists on paying i always feel like it seems a little boastful
How very odd.

Bubblebee7 · 17/05/2020 10:56

I think it’s fine. You have made it clear enough. When there’s a big group I don’t know anyone who foots the entire bill. However it’s different if you go out with 1 or 2 friends and you foot the bill for a birthday or something.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 17/05/2020 11:05

monkeycats, I agree with you - and we're not Persian. If you host, you pay. It is that simple.

If you advise friends that you're eating in X restaurant on Y day for Z reason, if they want to join - you're not hosting, you're simply organising and there's no expectation that you should pay, everybody will pay for themselves.

The second example is what happens really regularly in my group of friends too - so often that we don't need to discuss it other than the day/venue.

I don't know why some posters are getting uppity about it. It is simple - nobody's criticising the informal arrangement at all, just don't pretend to be hosting because that has different rules - and they still apply even in this day and age. I'm 51. Them's the rules, it was dinned into me and actually, they make life so much more pleasant and infinitely easier.

All the anguish is because some people like to perceive themselves as 'hosts' when actually, they're doing nothing of the sort. They then 'muddy the waters', confuse their 'guests' and then post about it on Mumsnet. The introduction of ad hoc 'rules'/expectations that nobody is aware of, makes life really awkward and can cause offence.

Etiquette just gives very clear rules for people to follow - if they choose - to avoid all this.

Bubblebee7 · 17/05/2020 11:06

The cake thing is a fab idea. I would definitely get a big one made and on lots of drinks then I think it’s fine. £15 is reasonable.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 17/05/2020 11:28

the rudeness of PP trying to shame the OP is just cringeworthy and unkind

I agree; there's no need for rudeness, only clarity
To my mind the host makes it clear what's being offered and the guests, if they say yes, accept that in all its parts and don't start asking for exceptions to be made

If only it was always so simple ... as with the anniversary set price meal where I'd made it clear I was paying, only to find a guest had requested upgrades (the best steak, an extra bottle of wine all to themselves and much more)

DappledThings · 17/05/2020 11:34

All the anguish is because some people like to perceive themselves as 'hosts' when actually, they're doing nothing of the sort.

I don't think it is that. I think it's people who expect not to pay who perceive the organiser as a host whereas the organiser doesn't. If I were to arrange a birthday meal for someone in a restaurant and invite various people then to some here I would be seen as the host and expected to pay whereas I would still see myself as just an organiser.

monkeycats · 17/05/2020 11:42

But it’s a bit different if it’s your own mother, surely?

And what if it’s your own birthday - are you “just the organiser” too? When people give you gifts, do you politely decline because you’re “just the organiser” after all? No, it’s your party and people have been very kind to make the effort to show up for you. I would feel the need to give back in some way.

DappledThings · 17/05/2020 11:44

I hate my birthday and have refused to celebrate it since I was 12 so I can't answer the question for myself. My mum likes her big birthdays so organised a party for her 50th and a meal for a smaller group for her 70th. She paid for both. I had no idea she was planning to pay for everyone's meal for the 70th and it was nice she did but I didnt expect it.

DappledThings · 17/05/2020 11:47

We were meant to be at a 40th birthday a couple of weeks ago which obviously was cancelled. It was bowling followed by dinner. We were invited by the birthday person's wife and it was meant to be a surprise.

2 years ago we were invited by someone also to her husband's surprise 40th pub lunch.

In neither case did it cross my mind that we wouldn't pay for ourselves. Not for a second.

TrickyD · 17/05/2020 11:57

The convention is that “Be my guest” means host pays.
“Would you like to join us?” Means that the person invited is expected to pay.

Your message is fine, OP.

emmetgirl · 17/05/2020 11:58

It's absolutely ok. I think it's unreasonable for people to expect you to pay for everyone!

bitofafunnyquestion · 17/05/2020 12:02

I honestly don't see the issue of principle or etiquette here, if it was £200 a head because DM had always wanted to go to the Fat Duck with all her friends and family, that would be different but this sounds like a lovely, informal celebration at an inclusive price point (I would assume at least for the OP's mum's circle hence choosing it).

My mum's around this age and her friends have a lot of celebrations. Nobody is expected to foot the whole bill at their birthday. A wedding might be different.

I'm not sure why going to the trouble and expense of catering a party in a village hall is a better idea when the pub is tailor made and affordable. The original invitation wording is perfect. No need to spell out any more explicitly 'we will not be paying for you'. People will get it and not be offended.

You could always put on a really nice cake for pudding or cheese board as a treat for guests and your mum as a compromise along with the bottles of wine.

Thisismytimetoshine · 17/05/2020 12:06

A wedding might be different.
Well, thank goodness for that.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2020 12:09

"And what if it’s your own birthday - are you “just the organiser” too? "

Yes! If we're going out nobody expect me to pay for 20 people.
If it's at home, yes, I will lay on drinks and snacks.

SueEllenMishke · 17/05/2020 12:09

monkeybut don't you 'give back' when you attend their birthday?
I'm not comfortable with a transactional approach to friendship.

I celebrated my birthday just before lockdown. I organised and booked a bottomless brunch and invited people and i sent a copy of the menu so people knew the cost beforehand. Everyone paid for themselves without issue. A few people even bought me a present which I really appreciated but didn't expect. They didn't expect anything in return just as I don't expect anything in return when I buy my friends presents.

This is a standard approach across the different friendship groups I have. If the host/organiser had to pay for everyone then there would be very few birthday get together's as people just don't have that amount of disposable income.
Occasionally someone will 'treat' the group but it'll be something more low key.

Gwenhwyfar · 17/05/2020 12:12

"A few people even bought me a present which I really appreciated but didn't expect. They didn't expect anything in return just as I don't expect anything in return when I buy my friends presents."

Exactly this. The present is not a payment for something.