To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

In my social circles that’s what we normally do. For my husbands 40th just before lockdown we did this: we did buy everyone their first drink as a thank you for joining us: but some bottles for the table sounds equally as lovely x

Oh god please don’t. Not for a 70th. Can’t you do a garden party with a buffet or something? You seriously don’t split the bill at a 70th.

Monkey - OP doesn't live where you come from. What's the relevance?

"You seriously don’t split the bill at a 70th."

Why not if you do it on a 40th and a 30th and every other start of decade birthday? What suddenly happens when you're 70?
I socialise with some people over 70 and they're not that different to me in the way they socialise.

Certainly, you can’t ask for money from people in the senior generation

That is an interesting point of view. Speaking for myself, but I suspect not alone, I wouldn't see it as asking for anyone's money. It's inviting them to join you at a restaurant. If anyone doesn't want to spend their money on eating out that's totally fine too. It's entirely optional to do so. You aren't asking them to come over and pop some cash in your piggy bank.

Lots of people feel the way monkey does.

SueEllenMishke why are you now saying that? It's not the case at all and your posts are just getting argumentative for the sake of it.

Just be thoughtful of the people you want to meet up with and be clear about the context if you're doing the organising; how difficult is that?

I was invited to my friend's mum's 60th with my mum. It was coffee and cake followed by a matinee musical then dinner. Again it never occurred to either mum or me that we wouldn't be paying for ourselves. And that's with my mum insisting on paying herself for her own 50th and 70th because she wanted to. She doesn't expect that to be some kind of rule.

"Lots of people feel the way monkey does."

And lots of people don't.

monkey people aren't denying that there are people who feel and act like you do. What we're saying is that for many of us your way isn't the way we do it.....and that's fine!
People shouldn't be made to feel bad about it.

A simplistic 'only invite 4 people or have a dinner party' doesn't work for many, many people.

And lots of people don't.

85% of us according to the poll!

Gwen - Well I identify as British as do a lot of people from all over the place and I’m just trying to explain how I feel and how, in my honest experience, a lot of people would feel. I doubt the OP “lives where you come from” either.

I haven't voted...

I'm only being argumentative ( or maybe sarcastic) with people who are calling people tacky. It's not nice.

All along I've just been pointing out that people feel differently. Lots of the suggestions here seem to assume people have disposable incomes and/or the space to hold dinner parties.
It's such a blinkered way to look at the world.

If you're lucky enough to be able to afford to pay when you invite people out to celebrate and it's the done thing amongst your friends then great! Crack on......
However, it's not a huge stretch to understand that it's not a universal opinion and that not everyone is that fortunate.

Amongst my friends paying for everything would make people feel really awkward. However, I've socialised in circles where it's normal and again, that's fine!!!

I haven’t voted either

Call it 84% then!!

It's fine - you're being perfectly clear about the cost, and it's not expensive (but would soon rack up if you were paying for everyone).

Well I think the OP sounds like a lovely person and the question was obviously bothering her or she wouldn’t have asked. But she did ask, so I gave my view. Personally, I wouldn’t feel comfortable asking 30 pensioners, some of whom I don’t know well, for £15 each and, as a consequence, I would do something different instead, but if 85% seem to think this is fine, then the OP can make her own decision.

Provided you are clear at the outset that you are expecting people to pay for themselves then I think it is perfectly acceptable.

I think if the event is formal enough to warrant sending invites then really the host should pay.

That's a good marker actually, which never occurred to me before.
If you are issuing invitations, I think it implies you should be hosting. If you are chatting with people via whatever means you normally chat with them, then that is more of a "let's meet up", and expectation everyone pays for themselves.
The fact that OP isn't probably chatting regularly with her Mum's friends, and meeting up socially with them, suggests that, if someone else is taking responsibility to organise a 'do' then it is something they should be hosting to me.
If her Mum were saying to her mates - "Let's meet up" then it is different.

What counts s an invitation though Back? An email or does it have to be on paper?
I don't agree that it's because the daughter is doing the organising either.

I find everyone’s view point very interesting. In my culture the host always pays for everything. Be it an at home party or a wedding. There is certainly no buy your own drinks. Often providing return transport for weddings if church & reception aren’t close by. The host is the host. I was aghast at the first non Greek wedding I went to when I had to buy my own drink, now I’m used to it🤷🏻‍♀️ I still don’t think it’s right but it’s cultural. Most Greeks will save for years for a wedding & loans are not unheard of.

At my cousins 50th (they aren’t particularly well off) we all offered fo make something thereby spreading the load. Would something like that work? They had it at home & obviously they provided the drinks & cake.

@Gwenhwyfar For me, it is designing an invitation or buying it, or creating an 'event' on FB (which I've been invited to a few parties via).

When I had my last 'big Birthday' I drew up a postcard sized invitation that I would have printed out for the previous one and sent it via social media to most people I invited to my party. However I also had a few other do's (went for lunch with the girls I used to go to school with / went for an afternoon tea with three close friends / went out for a meal with friends from work / went fr a meal with dh's extended family) and didn't send them a "drawn up invitation", jst phoned or WhatsApped etc.

The party I 'hosted' (paid for the hall / entertainment / food), the other things we all paid for our own.

So, although it wasn't my contribution to this thread - I was quoting another poster - , it struck me that , yes, that fits into what I would do myself, and also how I would "read" another invitation.

Same as when my dd turned 18 a few months ago - she made an invitation and sent it (on social media) to people she was inviting to her party (which we paid for the room and the food), but when she also arranged to go out for cocktails with one group and meet for a meal with another group, and everyone was paying for themselves, there was no formal invitation, just normal social media to arrange to meet up like any other social arrangement they make.

So don't think it is a generational thing, as the same has been true for the invitations she's received this year. Where is has been a "hosted" (ie paid for) party, she's had an invitation and where friends are paying for themselves, they've just arranged it without an invitation.

"we all offered fo make something thereby spreading the load. Would something like that work? "

Why is asking people to bring food any better than asking people to pay for their own food. It's the same surely?

"For me, it is designing an invitation or buying it, or creating an 'event' on FB"

Wow. I've created loads of events on FB. It never means I'm paying!