To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

I don’t think it matters whether it’s a paper invite or email version, but if you say, please come / join me / you are invited to celebrate my birthday on x at y, then this is your occasion. You are inviting people you have chosen for your purposes. You have chosen the venue as suits you, so you are the host providing the event for your guests. You are saying that you want them to join you to make it more special for you.

Would you feel comfortable accepting birthday gifts and having people pay for the party as well? Not to mention travel, babysitters, possible accommodation if they’ve come a long way? Really?

Put it another way -

You might decide you want a big wedding, but you can’t afford one. So obviously you have to adjust your expectations. What you do not do, is book the big wedding anyway and then invite people and charge them for the food and drinks for the privilege of joining you.

You might want to throw a certain birthday party for your child, but you can’t afford it. Again, you do something you can afford. What you don’t do is invite 30 kids, tell their parents it’s £x per child and then take all the presents, thanks very much.

So why is it different for a landmark birthday?

You can’t compare any of the above to a get-together at other times - eg “Are you around Saturday? Fancy meeting in x restaurant / bar?” There is a very obvious difference between a regular social life and how you go about celebrating the landmark events in your life. I would have thought this goes without saying.

I think that a surprise birthday party is a terrible idea. Recently the brother of a close friend organised a surprise party in a restaurant for her 60th. She thought that she was going to lunch there with her husband and did not enjoy the party at all. Her brother paid for everyone.
Your mother may be planning for her 70th herself and what will you do if you have invited everyone to the surprise party and then your mother tells you nearer the date what she is planning to do on the day?

I agree you can't send an invitation as such and expect people to pay for their own meal. But something like ringing around and saying you atprd having a get together for a pub meanwhile be ok if folk are expected to pay for their own. But it needs to be made clear. I think older people are more likely to think if they are invited to a birthday the host will be paying.

What is up with the ridiculous MN autocorrect.

OP I think your invitation is fine and you've given everyone the heads up that they can to come (and pay) or not. Just make sure the pub can sort out separate billing for meals/drinks. Or if not, that you get people who accept to BACS it to you ahead of time.

Village hall is good but can be just as expensive and much more of a headache and you need waiting staff to clear up even if it is a buffet. And even 70 year olds can be vegan/vegetarian/have IBS and allergies.

As for the PP who mentioned "play music of their era" .... a lot of people enjoy music throughout the time they've lived even gasp up to the present day .....

'I think that a surprise birthday party is a terrible idea'

Well, it would be for me. Indeed, ANY birthday acknowlegement, and especially any mention of an age milestone would cause me great distress.

But everyone's different. and I assume that lilyboleyn knows her Mum better than we do!

There are two reasons for organizing a surprise birthday for someone:

(1) You know that the person loves surprises (good idea!)

(2) The person has indicated that they don't want to celebrate their birthday, and you think that by surprising them you can 'get around' their objection, and that they will come to enjoy it if it's forced on them (very bad idea!)

I assume that in lilyboleyn's case, it's the first!

Also, I would guess that Lilyboleyn's mum would guess that her daughter would have something in store for her birthday, even if just a personal visit, and would plan for that.

You’d only be a CF if the invite didn’t state they would be paying. You’re invite sounds perfect. enjoy

I think if you pay for you and your mum's food and buy the prosecco/ wine then they're getting a bargain and it wouldn't sound cheeky to me.

a lot of people enjoy music throughout the time they've lived evengaspup to the present day

I wondered about those comments too crosstalk. And exactly what sort of music they envisaged. People who will be 70 this year were exposed to a huge range of music. What do you play for someone who went to the Isle of Wight Festival and someone else who liked The Monkees?
Just a reminder that Mick Jagger is 78, Paul McCartney is 77 and Rod Stewart is 75 but the village hall with scones and tea seemed a bit VE Day to me. Surely the OP is in the best position to judge what her mum would like and her suggestion was a meal in the pub or, if the village hall, fish and chips.

Would you feel comfortable accepting birthday gifts and having people pay for the party as well? Not to mention travel, babysitters, possible accommodation if they’ve come a long way? Really

Well I don't celebrate my birthday at all so I wouldn't ever have anything to invite people to but I have attended birthday events that have involved travel, accommodation, presents etc and paying for food or drinks and no I haven't minded and/or thought it odd. It was all my choice to go.

Jeeze, there are some well off people on Mumsnet. I don't know anyone in my real life who could afford to pay for a whole bunch of people's food and drink at a restaurant! Immediate family maybe, but not enough people to make a party of it.

You're fine, OP. The important thing is to make it clear at the beginning, if you think anyone might expect to be paid for. And you're doing that. And anyone offended at paying for themselves is unlikely to be a good friend of your mum's.

I'd much rather pay £15 a head than have to make something to bring to eat. In America and other places pot lucks seem to be all the rage, but personally I'd rather have a modestly priced sit down meal.

“the village hall with scones and tea seemed a bit VE Day to me”

Yes it does run the risk of veering close to the brink the brink of VE Day, but I guess you just do what you can with the decor. When I said “music from their era”, god knows what I meant, but anything really. My mum loves ABBA - she’s off and away to that

As I said, when it was DH’s 40th, most of our friends had young kids then and so I knew a night out would be expensive for most couples as it would involve babysitters. Plus a lot of people don’t like using babysitters. So I just hired what was a really cool pub room and they said the room was free if I spent more than a certain amount on the buffet. And there was a garden so it spilled out into there and everyone could bring their kids or not. I got loads of crafty things for the kids to do and laid it all out along a big table. It went on all afternoon and over 100 people came. I made the most massive cake of my life and it served everyone. It was all very chilled, but lovely and the main thing was, everyone came.

Now, it was meant to be his 50th this summer and he announced to me he felt like having a bit of an extravaganza. He wanted to get friends from all phases of his life together and treat them all to a great night to say thankyou. But when he told me how many people he wanted to invite, it was about 350. So the only option was to hire a bar and provide drinks and canapes. But we decided we couldn’t really justify the cost. We couldn’t ask people to buy their own drinks / food because some would be coming from overseas or quite far away and we wouldn’t do that anyway. So instead we decided to have a garden party at home and get caterers. He didn’t want hundreds of gifts so he asked for donations to a charity he’s involved in, in lieu of a gift. Anyway, lockdown happened, so that was that..

Obviously I realise we’re fortunate to have a house and garden that could accommodate those numbers (at least I hope they would have fitted), but if we didn’t, no problem, we would have hosted a few smaller events and done it that way. He would not have just said, “Well I want a big party, so I’ll invite 350 people to a venue if my choice and they can all pay for themselves.”

As long as you make clear upfront that it will cost £15

People can decide whether to go or not

I would Try and take a deposit off people as they may say coming then not turn up Or even whole amount if £15 as saved hassles on the day

I think we're living in very different worlds monkey!
I don't know anyone who could accommodate a party for 350 people at their house! And only a handful of us would actually be able to afford to pay for a party that size.

The only time I've ever had drinks provided was at a wedding. One was a free bar all day but we were abroad and at the time alcohol was much cheaper there. Typically drinks are available after the service and with the meal. After that you pay for your own.

It's my DHs 50th next year. If he has a party we'll book a venue and provide a buffet but people will pay for their own drinks. That's pretty standard behaviour for both our groups of friends and family.

Fair enough SueEllen. To be honest DH is usually very grumpy about his birthdays and just wants to have lunch with me and the kids, so I was a bit surprised to say the least when he revealed his plans for this year. I wouldn’t go so far as to say mid-life crisis, but there are some certain behaviours that might point in that direction, if you see what I mean.

Really I wouldn't expect to go to a restaurant and have someone pay for my meal.

It's fine OP.

I guess turning 50 might do that to you monkey! My DH is far too much of a party animal to let the occasion pass unnoticed!

"So why is it different for a landmark birthday?"

Tradition isn't it? There are certain expectations around weddings that there aren't around birthdays, including landmark birthdays.

"Would you feel comfortable accepting birthday gifts and having people pay for the party as well?"

I wouldn't expect gifts. I'm not on gift giving terms with many people so I don't get much when I do a birthday thing, maybe some chocolates or a bottle of prosecco or even just someone buying me a drink.

"“Are you around Saturday? Fancy meeting in x restaurant / bar?” There is a very obvious difference between a regular social life and how you go about celebrating the landmark events in your life. I would have thought this goes without saying."

I don't always do 'are you around Saturday?' If it's for more than about 5 or 6 people, I do a FB event. That doesn't mean I have to pay and nobody has understood it like that.

The ‘invitee pays’ this is bizarre to me. If I’m invited to a restaurant for a meal to celebrate someone’s birthday, it would literally not occur to me to expect anyone else to pay for me. I would absolutely expect to be paying my way.

I would much rather live in a world where people celebrate birthdays etc with those they love and everyone pays for themselves to make it affordable than not have a celebration or share that occasion because I can’t afford to fork out hundreds of pounds to cover the cost for everyone.

As you are going to a pub that's perfectly acceptable.

The title of your post led me to believe you're charging for meals at your house

That sounds like a really lovely 40th monkeycats. Hopefully you will be able to have your husband's 50th garden party soon. Then you might have to get around to Putting on an Abba themed party for your mum

I wouldn't think it was at all reasonable to ask people to pay for themselves if it was an expensive event but a £15 lunch is fine. I once read a wedding thread in which the poster and her fiance were originally going to buy a round in the pub for everyone (money was very tight). They then wondered about having a modest meal in a restaurant for their guests, supplying a welcome drink, but their guests would have to pay for the meal. It was going to be a tiny wedding with literally their nearest and dearest and they were not going to ask for presents. Some posters said they should not do this. I'd be really happy paying for either of these occasions but would probably have to refuse an invitation to an expensive event.

I think it’s a nice idea, OP. If anyone can’t afford it or is offended, they don’t have to go.

I’m sitting in my hands trying not to sound snotty here, but if you both call invitations “invites”, then neither one of you should be haughtily pronouncing on etiquette.

Actually it has been acceptable to use the word 'invite' as a noun for 300yrs or so now. But even if not, it always amazes me how certain people can't handle a difference of opinion so have to resort to snobby put downs. Says a lot about you.

I wouldn’t ever assume someone else was paying for that sort of thing.