To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

Timesdone - this I would object to. If I'm eating a veggy meal, I don't want to be paying for somebody's steak.

I wouldn't do it for my parents. Their friends and other family would find it odd. I wouldn't invite people to a meal if I couldn't afford to pay for it. I would do something within my price range. I'd probably hire the church hall and arrange a more casual buffet.

I've arranged things with my friends where we all pay for ourselves but my parents friends are different.

Op what is normal for your family / your mums circle? That's all that matters. My mum would have been mortified and would have got her own card out to pay (and not wealthy so this is not all about "class"). My gut feel is that for a 70th host pays. I paid for my quite extravagant 40th and had lots of friends asking me how much they owed so both ways are clearly acceptable - I just didn't want to ask people for money.

£15 is reasonable, whereas I'd be more miffed if you were inviting me to an expensive restaurant. The Prosecco is a really nice touch, as at least then the invitees won't have a big drinks bill on top. Hope your mum enjoys her celebrations!

I do think you should pay for your mum though, as it would be cheeky to expect others to cover her.
Definitely don't agree with the poster who made those who came to her son's Christening pay for their own meal. Somehow that is different, thought I can't articulate why. I'd have just had everyone round to the house, and have food there.

I think it would be awkward, I’d go for a buffet in a pub and guests can buy their own drinks.

I would word things that you are taking your mum for lunch and if anyone wants to join you it costs £15. Include a menu. People expect to pay for themselves when eating in a restaurant for birthdays.

I've only ever heard of people expecting others to pay for meals out on Mumsnet

I've only ever heard of people being invited somewhere and being expected to pay for themselves on MN

I've only ever heard of people only ever having heard something on mumsnet on mumsnet.

I think it's fine to ask people to pay at a pub, if you are clear up front. I do see the point that in the 70yr old social circle however, this might not be acceptable.

Only thing about the Hall and catering, is these things tend to expand in costs, someone doesn't eat fish, someone is gluten intolerant, we'll need a birthday cake to feed 30+ people, some drinks to cover those that haven't or drink more than they brought with them, soft drinks etc.

I know it's a surprise for Mum, but maybe a conversation about another friend organising something pub-like, wondering if her Mum will think it's cheeky to ask guests to pay - you said you'd ask your Mum to gauge the feeling in her age group (given that it's a while away, might not be too obvious).

I'd do the pub, provide some drinks and a cake. Less fuss with numbers and catering, everyone can order to their taste/budget.

I've never been invited to a bday gathering meal and had my food paid for. I would always expect to pay whether its noted on the invite or not.

I do this every year, every one invited comes we get together have a great time. I have a cousin whose husband won't let her do this he said if the host can't afford to pay you shouldn't do it, so she's never celebrated with anyone apart from him and their 2 DSs for years.

Don’t forget to have a special cake. My sisters and I had a party for my mum’s birthday and she still remembered the cake years later. Have a lovely time.

Just see someones said make it clear no gifts as they are paying for themselves 🙄 Bloody ridiculous I must live on another planet. Of course you pay for your own food and take a gift as it's the persons bday and you obviously like them or you wouldn't be going. £15 for food is well cheap aswell I hope your mum gets lots of gifts!

One of my friends organised a party in a village hall for her mum and she was surprised at how much it ended up costing. The pub idea is really good. That way everyone can choose what they like and you don't have to worry about any dietary preferences or allergies - and best of all, no setting it out or clearing up. We don't know what things will be like post lock down but there is a possibility we will have to disinfect all the tables and chairs if we hire a hall or a room.

I do wonder how many 70 year olds people saying 'it is not the done thing to ask people to pay' actually know. Pre lockdown, over 70s were a core customer group in pubs at lunch time and I am sure they all found ways of splitting bills that suited them. When a poster says they have a budget that they need to stick to, then I don't really see why she should be made to feel bad for not paying for everyone. If I get an invitation to a celebration where it is clear the person sending the invitation is paying, I feel I have to buy a present that costs enough to include the price of my meal so I actually prefer arrangements like the one you're suggesting Lilyboleyn.

If someone doesn't want to pay £15, then they don't need to go. There are some good suggestions from other posters for the wording. I suppose you could ask one of your mum's friends what your mum would think about the arrangement but I just think it complicates things.

I think it's fine as long as you are clear on the invite AND it is acceptable within your mum's group of friends.

I wouldnt be at all offended at paying for a meal at a pub for a friends birthday. Nor would my mum even though she wouldn't do i herself. But my MiL was outraged at being invited to a family members party in a pub and being expected to pay. She actually refused to go. Whereas my mum would be chuffed to be invited and completely understands that not everyone can afford to host pub lunches for guests.

Pre lockdown, over 70s were a core customer group in pubs at lunch time and I am sure they all found ways of splitting bills that suited them.

For a 70th birthday or a typical weekly lets all meet-up?

When a poster says they have a budget that they need to stick to, then I don't really see why she should be made to feel bad for not paying for everyone.

But isn't the budget her mums? It should be the mums choice about whether guests pay or she does.

Thinking about it more you need to ask your mother what she wants. It isn't really in your remit to decide about her 70th- it is hers. Let her decide and then invite/charge/not charge people accordingly. She may have ideas about what she wants to do (and what she doesn't want). If she hasn't seen them for years they are probably not really friends and it could be really awkward.

Surprise parties don't really tend to work well and there may be something else that she really wants to do.,

So either ask her about it or wait until she brings it up but don't just plan something for her- that is a bit unfair.

I honestly don't understand what's become of the world. When you invite someone to be a guest, you don't ask them to pay. If you invite someone to dinner at your home, you don't demand they bring their own food, do you? If you can't afford to be a proper host, don't hold a party.

I think it will cause disappointment at some point

You tell her you are taking her for lunch on he birthday (keeping the other guests a surprise). She is either disappointed that you are not doing more or delighted that you are just having a small family lunch. If delighted she then when she arrives at the pub and doesn't find the small lunch but a party she ends up disappointed.

I think if the event is formal enough to warrant sending invites then really the host should pay. It's not like a casual night out with the girls/lads where people generally all know and get on with each other and are there because they want to be rather than because they might feel obliged. So while I would come along to your 'gathering' if I liked
your mum enough, I think some of her perhaps less well off and less close friends might rather spend that money to go out with whom they chose at a time they chose. Saying all that, as long as you make it crystal clear that your guests are paying for themselves and you are sure that your mum won't be embarrassed by that then do what you have to do.

Absolutely fine. Good idea to state a ‘set price’ if possible though. Bill splitting can be a nightmare in large groups.

would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

It’s fine. Maybe simplify it slightly to “...:the set two course menu costs £15. We will provide wine. Hope to see you there.”

No issue with that,

@Aquamarine1029, this is in a pub not the OP’s home, so I think it’s different. In your home you’d have control over the food and the budget. OP can’t afford to pay everyone’s bill. As there are different social expectations about this, I think it’s fine as long as it’s clear.

Ugh the rudeness of PP trying to shame the OP is just cringeworthy and unkind.

I mix with all sorts and am happy with whatever the host says, though at a large supper in an expensive restaurant, if someone insists on paying i always feel like it seems a little boastful. I hate the moral supriority that the 'insist on paying' try to evoke.

Don’t say ‘for those on a budget’! Your OP was perfectly fine.