To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

People who are privileged enough to be able to afford to pay for the meals of a large group of people often are unable to consider that some people may not have that privilege.

Eeples, I'm not loaded people either. Doesn't mean I disagree the way it happens here, when in Rome and all that. Just I never knew how it's done here.

That's fine, Crimson, it just seems pretty obvious to assume not everyone can afford to pay for such things. I would assume the same is true in pretty much every country in the world.

Totally fine. Can't see the issue. Have a lovely time!

When invited out to a meal at a pub I would expect to pay for my own food, I would probably be more surprised if the host was covering it all, although considering some of the answers here maybe just make it clear before hand.

No. To me, it's not OK to expect invited guests to pay for themselves.

Meet up with friends for a meal - split the bill. Invite people to a birthday celebration/party/wedding/anniversary - you pay.

My mum would be absolutely mortified if I arranged a party and expected everyone to pay their way.

Gah different opinions now.

30ish people takes it to £450 just for food at the pub.

I could hire a village hall for £100 - then buy takeaway fish and chips for everyone to be delivered to the hall - £210ish I reckon. Then buy wine and beer in and get an iPod playing. Is that really naff? I wouldn’t charge anyone for that version, obvs. For those asking could I save up between now and then to cover everyone’s bill - potentially yes, but that’s £450 we’d miss dearly. We shop at Aldi and Primark and still count every pound.

Thanks for opinions though. I’d rather do nothing than cause my mum embarrassment over money.

I had this dilemma when planning my mums 70th birthday. I didn’t think there would be a problem with my mums friends and family chipping in for the meal especially since there was 45 people attending, but I knew my mum would be mortified if at the end everyone was pulling out their purses so I ended up getting a lovely afternoon tea and it went down really well!

The ones that expect you to pay are the CFs wink
God, don't be daft, fgs

The village hall sounds much, much better

I agree, @Eeples.

I think it's totally fine. If I could afford it I would pay for it all as I wouldn't want anyone to be excluded, but you're organising a nice thing and giving people an option is best. My sil organised a Sunday lunch for her dh's 40th and was clear about expectations. There was about 30 people and each paid for their family. I wouldn't assume it was paid for unless it was a wedding. I would change your wording to make it clearer though e.g. we would love you to join us to celebrate. Meal is £15 per head and you can pay £5 deposit then the rest on day etc

Do the village hall and ask guests to bring a bottle.

Eeples, it's not common to have a big BD party for adults in my country, it's done within the family if it's ever done. Normally we don't.
So, I really don't think you can assume it's pretty much the same in every country.

Sometimes pubs will let you have a room for free if you’re doing a buffet for over a set charge because you’re bringing a group to their bar?

Could you find somewhere that did afternoon tea? Might be cheaper. I don’t think the village hall will work out much cheaper as you’ll have to get paper plates, decorations etc.

I could hire a village hall for £100 - then buy takeaway fish and chips for everyone to be delivered to the hall - £210ish I reckon. Then buy wine and beer in and get an iPod playing. Is that really naff? I wouldn’t charge anyone for that version, obvs. For those asking could I save up between now and then to cover everyone’s bill - potentially yes, but that’s £450 we’d miss dearly. We shop at Aldi and Primark and still count every pound.

OP, please don't feel pressured by randoms on the internet to pay for something that would stretch your finances. Your mum might be mortified that you had spent so much when it meant scrimping and saving to do so. Most normal people understand that not everyone can afford to cover the cost of 30 people eating at a restaurant.

Absolutely fine OP, that's clear and unambiguous, your guests know that they're expected to pay for themselves.

Perfectly fine!

• Eeples, it's not common to have a big BD party for adults in my country, it's done within the family if it's ever done. Normally we don't. So, I really don't think you can assume it's pretty much the same in every country.*

Crimson what I think is the same in every country is that there are wealthy people
and less wealthy people and the less wealthy people won't always be able to afford to pay for large meals for even just family members.

I'm with the posters though on the issue of inviting/hosting. I was brought up with the 'you invite, you're the host so you pay' principle. That's how it's always been done. There are lots of people who say they're hosting and then place all sorts of expectations on their guests. That's not right.

You're not doing that. With the pub scenario, you're saying that you're celebrating your mum's 70th there and if people would like to join, they will be paying for themselves. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

I also agree that the village hall sounds a much better idea and I'm sure your mum will love it.

These threads always highlight that I have a different class background to most MNers who expect a host to pay for everything.

In my circle, if invited to a restaurant party one would expect to pay for food and drink unless specifically told otherwise. If at a private function (church hall party, wedding) one would expect to pay for drinks but enjoy a delicious Iceland/Costco brown buffet on the host. Love a brown buffet.

Love a brown buffet.

Me too. I might make myself a mini brown buffet tomorrow.

I think it’s absolutely fine for people to pay but you are going to have trouble with the bill though aren’t you. The restaurant won’t allow everyone on a shared table to pay separately for their own meals so it will have to be a split bill. You can do drinks at the bar only but you will still have to split the food bill.

Eaples, her mum might be mortified to know that her friends who she hasn't seen for many years was asked to pay. Addition to that, most would bring present as well?
My question is, why plan things you can't afford and expect others to pay, rather than planning something doable. £450 is a lot of money. But it's £37.5 a month, little over £9 a week, over a year. I would try to save that for something as significant as 70th BD party.