To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

[transformandriseup]

I think what the OP wants to write is fine and needs to be included on the invite. I have been to a lot of parties where the hosts family have paid but these are usually family orientated. If I was invited to a meal out for a friends birthday I would expect to pay for myself and pay for a gift.

[TARSCOUT]

I would expect as the host to pay for everyone. Could you maybe agree a discounted set menu and save a little each month or have a buffet?

[YinMnBlue]

I am not struggling for money, but I don't know anyone who could afford to invite their Mum's friends for a pub meal and pay for them all.

It is always the default that if you are invited to join a birthday meal in a pub or restaurant, it will be split the bill.

Invited to someone's house: another matter.

[TheMagiciansMewTwo]

I think you need to make it absolutely clear that people need to pay for themselves so perhaps 'we are having a meal as a family for x's birthday. If you'd like to join us then it will cost you £xx or you can join us for a drink afterwards in the bar (assuming there is a bar).

[Thisismytimetoshine]

You host - you pay. I couldn't swallow the embarrassment of inviting people to an event and telling them the charge is £x.

[BeetrootRocks]

Yeah host paying is not at all a thing in my circle.

So say there is a group of 7 friends and all have partners. Friend A is having a birthday. Friend C says let's go for a meal to celebrate. Friends B, D, E, F, G all then expect friend C to pay. That feels bizarre to me. In that situation aren't all 6 friends 'hosting'?

[violetribbon]

Perfectly normal for everybody to pay for themselves. Whilst you are the making the payment situation clear in a light touch way, I'd avoid using the word invite (not that you have in your op) as that would suggest to me they'll be your guests and that you'll be paying.

[TurquoiseDress]

I think that sounds perfectly fine!

The bubbles are a nice touch!

Seriously, I wouldn't expect to be treated to a free meal out unless it was my birthday

[YinMnBlue]

I would expect as the host to pay for everyone.

She isn't the host, though. She is organising a get together of her Mum's friends. not hosting a lunch.

[amazedmummy]

We did this a few years ago for my mums 50th, the only people I paid for was my mums brother who had travelled all the way from London and paid for a hotel so I thought it was the least I could do.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

How many people are we talking about?
Don't take this the wrong way, but it's a 15 quid a head pub meal, not an evening at the Ivy.
Couldn't you get the cash together by next year? She'll probably be mortified that you invited her friends and handed them a bill.

[papiermaches]

That’s fine, let everyone know upfront re costs and say you’ll do some fizz. Not everyone can afford to shout a load of people a meal and drinks out.

[Eeples]

I would be surprised to get such an invitation, I certainly wouldn't send one out myself. Not sure if I'd think it cheeky, just unusual.

Many, many people just wouldn't ever be able to afford to organise a meal out with friends and pay for everyone. I wonder if people ever consider this when people say they they think it's odd to expect people to pay for their own food.

[Ginkypig]

Iv only read your opening post but my opinion is as long as people know in advance that they are paying for themselves and preferably either have the name of the venue so they can check on google or a copy of the menu/price if if it's a set menu then it's fine! It gives people the opportunity to decide if they want to come and can afford it. It's a nice idea that you are providing a few bottles so everyone can toast!

This is what I did for my mums 50th. There was no way I could afford to pay for the amount of people coming! But I paid for mum (and a sister so my mum didn't have to worry about it) if I had been loaded I would have but that just wasn't possible.

No one minded, most were just pleased that all they had to do was show up and that the organisation was up to someone else!

[lou967]

Every friends meal I go to, we all pay individually. If its family, then we take it in turns to pay for each other.

[Crimsonnightlotus]

BeetrootRocks, in your scenario, it's perfectly normal to split the bill, because you are all in it to plan to go, not going to the party someone organized and you are invited.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

Op is the host, Yin. She's organising the party for her mum. She's not the guest of honour but she is the host.

[Eeples]

Crimsonnightlotus,

It's weird for me to ask people to pay when we invite people. Especially someone who we haven't seen for years.
But as long as it's clear people need to pay for own meal, they can decide themselves either go or not. Is this British thing? No way it's acceptable in my culture.

It's a not-loaded people thing. You know, those people (me being one of them) who just don't have that kind of money. I'd never expect someone else to pay for my meal unless they said, "My treat."

[SeasonallySnowyPeasant]

It’s fine. I’d be pleased to be invited.

[SueEllenMishke]

This is completely normal.
It's only on MN where the host pays for everything......in the real world people pay their own way.

[Chewbecca]

It’s ok as long as you are very clear.
If I could, I would pay the £15 ph myself

[monkeycats]

I think it’s ok-ish OP, but could you not do a buffet-style event instead and cover the cost? I would feel awkward asking people to pay to celebrate with you. I’d rather do something I could afford and cover the cost. £15 is reasonable, but it’s more about the principle.

Lots of pubs or restaurants have rooms where they will do buffets for maybe £7 per head. You could provide Prosecco at the beginning and maybe some wine / beers, but people can also go to the bar if they want other drinks? You can bring your own cake and plates for that too too and not pay a cover for that because if the more informal setting?

[Viviennemary]

I think it's ok in those circumstances if it's made absolutely clear. Don't put for those on a budget.

[Elouera]

I agree with the comment on what would your mum think and its a generational thing. My mum was invited to a surprise, older relatives birthday and was asked to pay. Mum thought that the birthday person would have been completely embarrassed that a payment was being asked for, and would never have agreed if she'd known. Especially as its a special birthday, not just a catch up lunch with friends and guests are being invited formally!

Do you have siblings that could contribute to at least pay part of the meal?

[moonset]

It's fine OP I certainly wouldn't expect you to pay for all your mum's friends meal and I bet your mum wouldn't either.

We're all adults who can pay our own way it shouldn't be expected of the "host" and it would be nice to be invited to celebrate with your mum for a birthday meal. Throwing in some Prosecco is a kind touch.

This time next year it will look very different so many people's financial circumstances may change and no, you're not cheeky to let them make the decision to attend themselves based on their own budget. The ones that expect you to pay are the CFs