To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

[lilyboleyn]

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

"Invitee" is the person who receives an invitation, just like "donee" is the person who receives a gift. An invitee is not the person who issued the invitation.

I went for 7 birthday meals last year, paid for us at each, didn’t expect a free meal at any. Now that would be CF territory.

It’s a generational thing I think. I’m 34 and everyone always pays for themselves and arrives with that expectation. I wouldn’t even expect it to be made clear on the invite as I would just assume that. Unless it’s at someone’s house, then everyone just brings alcohol and the host supplies the food.

I do know, though, that both my mum and grandma would pay if they invited anyone out and would have that expectation the other way round too. Is there a close friend of your mums you get on well with who you could ask what the done thing in their circle is?

Absolutely fine, I would never expect not to pay for myself when invited for dinner to be honest. Just make it clear :)

But are you seriously saying you'd anytime you say to a group of mates do you fancy dinner that you pay
But it’s not a group of mates, it’s her mums 70th birthday which is totally different.
If I was hosting a birthday party for my mum I would tailor the event to a budget I could afford

I'd only ever expect someone else to pay for my meal at a wedding.

I have never heard of people expecting a meal to be free because they are invited. I don't think anyone has ever bought me dinner in my life and I've been involved to many a birthday/anniversary.

It's fine. Just say 'the cost will be around £X' if you'd like to join us.

Sounds ok.
Question though: are pubs opening soon?

I think that is absolutely perfect.
Don't feel embarrassed x

Round here if it's a thing out then people pay their way (apart from a few Family things where there are a couple of people who sometimes pay and each time everyone is wow that's so generous).

If it's at someone's house they provide but you ask what to take eg booze, puddings)

Its absolutely fine. If its not hundreds of people I would phone as it's easier to ask / explain.

"But the way I see it, you're not inviting them to a party. You're going for a meal to celebrate your mum's birthday and you're giving them the option to come, too."

I think that sums it up perfectly!

As pp said, it needs to be completely clear that guests will pay for their own meals.

I couldn't do it myself though. If I was inviting people I would expect to pay for them and if I couldn't afford to pay for meals I would arrange some sort of buffet instead. Sit down meals aren't great for socialising anyway imo

It's only here I see this expectation that hosts pay the bill for everyone at a restaurant. I think it's really weird.

I think your worded invite is fine OP, but do emphasise the SURPRISE element of the day. If you can afford the first round of drinks for everyone initially (not everyone will want Prosecco) that will be nice.

Fine as long as you are upfront and state it's in lieu of gifts.

In my group of friends (late 20’s early 30’s, around 20 of us give or take the time of year) - the birthday person or OH says ‘shall we all go to XXX for my birthday’

Everyone expects to pay for their own, and it’s our tradition that the group splits the birthday persons too. But that’s us, we’ve done it that way since we were teenagers and I’m aware it could be a generation thing.

Yanbu I’m guessing you’ll be inviting people that care about her so no worries.

Not in lieu of gifts!!!!!

Would you be expecting gifts for your mum along with guests paying for their own meal.
Why not pay for the meal & the guests pay for their own drinks, not everyone likes Prosecco.
If you can’t afford to pay, do something within your budget.

How many people are you expecting?

I think it makes a difference if it's a 'birthday meal' over a typical 'birthday party'

Perfectly fine! Any meal I’ve been invited to I’ve always been expected to and happily paid my own way - enjoy!

I think it’s ok to do, but your mum may not!!
I’d be clearer in your wording though, saying a main and dessert is £15 makes it sound like you can afford those costs for them.

It's weird for me to ask people to pay when we invite people. Especially someone who we haven't seen for years.
But as long as it's clear people need to pay for own meal, they can decide themselves either go or not. Is this British thing? No way it's acceptable in my culture.

If I was inviting for a special birthday celebration/anniversary I would expect to pay for guests. Meeting up with friends for a meal we would split the bill.

I think if someone invited me to a party, as in buffet, DJ/band in a function room of some sort then I wouldn't think to pay, but to me if someone invited me to a meal without doubt I would pay for myself, I wouldn't dream of rocking up without a gift either. But as other people have said definitely clarify that they will need to pay to avoid an awkward scenario on the day. Maybe book a place where you all pre order and pre pay so that money isn't an issue on the day at all?