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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To invite people to a meal and ask them to pay for themselves?

325 replies

lilyboleyn · 16/05/2020 18:48

Gathering opinions before I commit a CF faux pas. Planning a surprise 70th birthday for my mum - nothing special, just getting her friends round to a pub for a Sunday lunch. She won’t have seen many of them for months or even years in some cases. For me to pay for everyone’s meal and drinks etc would be more than I could really afford, so I was thinking of sending an invite out that said something like, ‘would you like to join us for Mandy’s (not her real name) surprise 70th birthday meal... X pub offers main and dessert for £15 per person and we’ll be putting out some bottles of Prosecco on the table’.

I don’t know. That sounds really naff doesn’t it. My question is AIBU to ask people to come and pay for their own meals, or should it really only be the case that I should pay myself?

OP posts:
fascinated · 16/05/2020 21:29

I have never heard of guests chipping in, and we were not wealthy growing up. Rather that more modest food and drink would be offered.... But that was years ago. I don’t know what is normal now.

Sherlockia · 16/05/2020 21:34

Same @TheTurnOfTheScrew I would dream of not paying for my own pub meal if invited, it's not like a wedding where the meal is covered.

Sherlockia · 16/05/2020 21:35

*wouldn't typo!

SueEllenMishke · 16/05/2020 21:35

notnow of course they will. How do you think restaurants deal with large groups pretty much every day?

Eeples · 16/05/2020 21:35

Crimson,

But it's £37.5 a month, little over £9 a week, over a year. I would try to save that for something as significant as 70th BD party.

Can you really not see that, for some people, £9 a week is a significant chunk of their food budget or electricity bill?! I'm not talking about the OP here as I don't know their circumstances. Fantastic for you if you would be able to try to save that but not everyone can.

Really, are you saying people shouldn't be able to organise a celebration if they're not wealthy enough to pay for it all? "It's mum's birthday, we're going for a meal at this place, it's £15 or so a head, do you want to join us?" is absolutely fine.

DappledThings · 16/05/2020 21:43

I'd only ever expect someone else to pay for my meal at a wedding

Same. And as the poll currently stands at 84% saying YANBU I wouldn't worry any further OP, it's totally fine and very normal.

ScrimpshawTheSecond · 16/05/2020 21:46

I have never heard of guests chipping in

Well, now you have! It happens all the time, I promise you.

ilovepixie · 16/05/2020 21:47

I've never been invited to a birthday meal where I didn't have to pay. Same as weddings I've always had to pay for my own drinks. It's the done thing here.

ddl1 · 16/05/2020 21:48

YANBU at all - especially as it's mainly a treat for your mum. My only concern would be: will it be possible to have a restaurant meal in a group of people. especially when your mum, and maybe other guests, are at a relatively vulnerable age?

Mulhollandmagoo · 16/05/2020 21:49

Thanks for opinions though. I’d rather do nothing than cause my mum embarrassment over money

Ahhh no! Don't say that, you know your mum better than anyone so only you can say. I know my mum wouldn't be mortified at all as she would also happily pay her own way, she'd probably be more upset that I spent £450 and had to go without than asked everyone else to pay £15. There's a huge difference in those two amounts of money

ddl1 · 16/05/2020 21:49

Pub not restaurant, but the same issue applies!

Crimsonnightlotus · 16/05/2020 21:50

I totally agree with "It's mum's birthday, we're going for a meal at this place, it's £15 or so a head, do you want to join us?"
It's giving people choice, so I think op is very sensible.
I wouldn't host a party which I can't afford. But if it's British thing to do, I have nothing to say, like I said, I choose to live in England, I should adapt.

SpeedofaSloth · 16/05/2020 21:51

I'd save for Christmas, or a holiday for a year, not a birthday party though.

My family would look sideways at me if I invited them all to dinner out then paid the bill, they would feel really awkward.

I guess it's different in different families Confused

Mulhollandmagoo · 16/05/2020 21:51

@ddl1 the party is this time next year

MummytoCSJH · 16/05/2020 21:51

I've never ever been to a birthday meal where I expected the host to pay nor have I met anybody who wouldn't expect to pay for their own meal. Usually I pay towards the birthday person's meal and bring a gift too. If someone would miss out on a friends birthday because they have to pay for themselves then they don't have to come, but that's quite selfish I think and indicates they're not a very good friend! Obviously theres a difference if you're genuinely unable to afford it - I've been in that situation in the past and worked something out by lending money or talking to the host/birthday person to let them know and arranged something separately. I wonder like another poster if it's an age thing (I'm 22).

Jimdandy · 16/05/2020 21:52

It’s fine to do what you’ve asked.

Can I make a suggestion as a non Prosecco/wine drinker? Could you not just buy everyone 1 drink when they first get there 🤣🤣

I know I am being a CF but it seems people who like the stuff get a cheap night 😂

TheGinGenie · 16/05/2020 21:56

I would fully expect to pay for myself if it was a pub or restaurant or something. I don't know anyone able to afford to pay for everyone! It wouldn't hurt to make it super clear about the cost - this would make it clearer that you expect them to pay

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/05/2020 21:56

Nobody has actually suggested that the guests would refuse to come if they're asked to pay, MummytoCSJH Confused.
Keep up.

Gwenhwyfar · 16/05/2020 21:57

Nobody I know would expect it to be paid for.

monkeycats · 16/05/2020 21:58

“I've never been invited to a birthday meal where I didn't have to pay.“

To be absolutely honest, there is only one time in my life that I’ve been invited to a birthday meal and asked to pay. I’m 47.

Incrediblytired · 16/05/2020 21:59

I think you have options.

I think it’s completely fine to use your wording for an invite - IF that’s the done thing in your mums social circle and she would be happy with it. Pretty much every time I go to a friends birthday meal out, they say “fancy coming here for my birthday” and I expect to pay for me. So it’s fine. But it is important to be clear as if I was invited to a 70th party then I might be unclear just because it sounds a bit more formal.

Do you want 30 people there definitely? Or would you treat mum plus her besties to dinner and invite others to drinks after? Cheaper for you!

Or could you ask a bar to do a buffet reception? Cheap and your mum could circulate easier than at a table.

You said you shop at aldi and primark (v sensible) so it sounds like your mum probably doesn’t have a super snobby friendship circle? I really think they’ll be happy to pay but if you are worried maybe keep it smaller

YinMnBlue · 16/05/2020 22:01

She'll probably be mortified that you invited her friends and handed them a bill

She won't be 'handing them a bill'. They will be paying the pub for their meal.

I have never heard of guests chipping in
They aren't 'chipping in', they are paying their share of a restaurant bill - to the waiter.

I honestly don't see the OP as 'the host' - she is the organiser. Organising for a group of her Mum's friends to get together with her Mum for Mum's birthday.

And personally I would rather have a nice pub lunch, and choose what I wanted from the menu than perch in a church hall with an Iceland buffet. And if you do fish and chips, there'll be veggies, people who can't eat fried food, etc etc and it will end up costing you a bomb and a load of hard work.

OP - does your Mum go for celebration meals out where everyone pays for themselves or the bill gets split?

ddl1 · 16/05/2020 22:02

'@ddl1 the party is this time next year'

Sorry - was being a bit dim.

spongedog · 16/05/2020 22:05

The concept is fine. I think it is always a good gesture to provide some drink in this case (including non-alcoholic for drivers and others).

But will you be providing a birthday cake? Because that could double up as dessert. Ask the venue to provide cream/icecream - which you would pay for. Then it makes the lunch very affordable for guests.

psychomath · 16/05/2020 22:10

In my circle of friends we do the opposite - everyone pays for their own meal and then chips in a bit extra to cover the person whose birthday it is. I knew not everyone did this but didn't realise it was so unheard of! Then again we all generally go to each others' birthdays so in the end it more or less evens out - I suppose it's different if you're inviting a bunch of people you haven't seen in ages.

I think your invitation is fine OP and would appreciate you being upfront about it. Nothing worse than being invited for a meal and not being sure whether you'll be expected to pay or not.

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