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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Be brutally honest are we cruel parents or is my dm and older colleagues being ridiculous?

297 replies

Awbu · 16/05/2020 16:07

In a nutshell me and Dh buy houses and renovate them while we live in them.
We have two dc 7 and 4.
Eldest has lived in 3 different houses, ds 2. This has meant we’ve be able to increase money in house from 15k to over 100k and move dc to a much better catchment school in last year.
Obviously it has been disruptive for the dc slightly we had to stay with family for 4 weeks during last renovation as walls knocked down etc.
We are hoping to do another one before we can buy our forever home (hate that term but a home we would stay in forever).
People at office all openly criticised this idea and accused me of being a cruel mum moving them from house to house (these moves btw have been from one village to another 2 miles away). They are all women in their late 50’s/60’s who have had one family home after marriage so I can see why this doesn’t seem ideal to them.
Anyway my dm has gone batshit today after I said we’d move depending on the effects on the market within a year- and accused me of the same ‘cruel to unsettle the children’,
I don’t get this every move has been better than the last more space for dc, nicer village etc but am I being harsh on the dc?

OP posts:
StayAtHomeDogMum · 16/05/2020 19:31

@LisaSimpsonsbff I knew someone would ask this, and it's a legitimate question. It's also one I asked myself, many times over.

When XH and I split up, the children were old enough to have opinions that I would take into account (although I did always feel that I was the parent, and I would ultimately decide what was in our collective best interests). So their "OMG, no more renovations" was said more in the "eye-rolling" sense, than in the "we are really upset about this" sense.

They are, now, all of an age where they very much like the fact that we live in a lovely house in a lovely road which we otherwise couldn't afford to have done in a million years. DC1 is in fact trying to twist my arm to buy a massive renovation project, but I have said we are not moving anywhere else, ever, now.

The only thing they ever properly grumbled about was having to move once we had made a house look lovely. We have done this again now, and I am sticking with it!

ShoppingBasket · 16/05/2020 19:35

Through different reasons my son has lived in 4 different houses. Moved to other side of country but ended moving back and had to rent before buying. I think it'll be our last move for awhile, it seems to have effected my son the last time as he was older. He didn't move schools the last time but I guess he just wanted to call somewhere his own and have security. He seems happier now. For this reason, we will stay put. When he was younger and we moved including schools it didn't seem to effect him. He can be quite sensitive though so I guess it depends on the child.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 16/05/2020 19:35

I'm quite confused by people saying frequent house moves are fine because it's what military children do - military children are widely agreed to be at a disadvantage, they are eligible for pupil premium for this reason. Now, clearly they have challenges that OP's children don't and their moves are of a much bigger scale, but I think it's a really weird thing to use as reassurance?

eurochick · 16/05/2020 19:36

My parents did this but without me ever having to change schools as all the houses were in one area. We also lived in the houses throughout renovation - so weren't moved between houses in addition to house moves. It was absolutely fine. I didn't know anything else so didn't think anything of it.

Sabine123 · 16/05/2020 19:36

Just do the right thing for your family and ignore anyone who judges you. My parents did the same and I lived in six houses - didn't do me any harm and I actually learnt a lot about DIY, budgeting etc ...

YinuCeatleAyru · 16/05/2020 19:42

if the school and area are staying the same then it's fine. I was a "forced brat" and had lived in 11 houses, in various countries by the time I started senior school (at which point my parents stopped the moving for 5 years for my schooling but have then moved a further 4 times) and that isn't unusual at all for forces families so that sounds like fairly low level disruption to me.

ActuallyItsEugene · 16/05/2020 19:43

I went to 13 schools due to my parents moving from place to place.
It was incredibly unsettling and I never managed to form core friendships because as soon as I'd made a group of friends, I was moved again.

You're not doing that.

As long as you keep them at the same school I don't see too much harm in it, especially now you're looking to settle in one home.
I can see it getting tedious and uprooting after a while though.

Pinkgiraffe2991 · 16/05/2020 19:44

I don’t think you’re cruel at all. My DM used to do exactly this and my siblings and I lived in 9 houses growing up (10, if I were to include our DF’s house). We moved school once (primary) but after that always attended the same school. We found the moves exciting as each house was better than the last.

NikeDeLaSwoosh · 16/05/2020 19:51

My parents did this when I was a child and it is now my absolute no 1 priority to provide stability to my own DC - we won't be moving again until our dotage.

Its really selfish IMO, you need to cut your suit according to your cloth - If you can't afford the house you want on your salary(ies?) then you either need better jobs, or to readjust your expectations.

Awful to sacrifice the security of your DC to live in a fancy house.

Equimum · 16/05/2020 19:53

In an ideal world, we would all be settled in our forever homes before having children. The world is not like that, though.

Our 7 year old has moved several times, and changed school, and I don’t think it’s been bad for him. We loved when he was a baby. We then lived abroad for a year, before returning to the previous home. Moved again when he was 4, and will almost certainly move again before secondary school (to get to the area we want to live in).

GrimmsFairytales · 16/05/2020 19:58

WTF is going on?? I know i've had a glass of wine tonight, but has the thread title changed...

myangelalex · 16/05/2020 19:59

Kids are supremely adaptable. I'd do it

hollieberrie · 16/05/2020 20:00

The title?!!!

MillicentMartha · 16/05/2020 20:00

What’s happened to the title? I’m sure it said something like ‘Be honest, are we cruel parents?’ before. Now it says ‘Help dealing with DD, 7 ASD.’

Be brutally honest are we cruel parents or is my dm and older colleagues being ridiculous?
SimonJT · 16/05/2020 20:03

Yeah I noticed the title change

GrimmsFairytales · 16/05/2020 20:03

Title was definitely

Be brutally honest are we cruel parents or is my dm and older-colleagues being ridiculous?

As I still have a tab open which has it in the web address bar at the top.

What's going on. Confused

Original poster
Awbu · 16/05/2020 20:03

Think whoever posted this has definitely misunderstood...
I think the fact that your daughter didn’t settle in school and had to move schools probably answers your own question. It does seem selfish
Dd began foundation year at a school we had absolutely no plans to move her from whatsoever. When she didn’t settle and was vocal about being sad about school too noisy too busy, her teacher changed 3 times in year, failed ofsted, that’s when we moved her otherwise she’d have stayed we’ve moved 2 miles down the road.

OP posts:
MillicentMartha · 16/05/2020 20:04

I reported my post to MN.

StayAtHomeDogMum · 16/05/2020 20:04

WTF?

GrimmsFairytales · 16/05/2020 20:05

Sorry @Awbu Your thread has derailed a bit due to the title change. Grin

Original poster
Awbu · 16/05/2020 20:06

I’ve not asked for the title to be changed?! How do I report it?

OP posts:
Wolfgirrl · 16/05/2020 20:07

I was moved around (within the same area) every 18 months/2 years as I was growing up. My parents weren't property developers, my mum was just obsessed with moving house and constantly fell out with neighbours. If I'm being honest I hated it. Nowhere ever felt like 'home' and my childhood is full of memories of stuff in boxes, going to look round yet another decrepit freezing cold house, etc. Saying goodbye to other children on my street as I knew the friendships would probably tail off there.

If you can comfortably stop now I would.

Original poster
Awbu · 16/05/2020 20:07

Have reported title change now :)

OP posts:
Waveysnail · 16/05/2020 20:11

Your daughter has autism? My asd child wouldnt cope with the moves and would find it mentally very tough. But every asd child is different

Idododoidadada · 16/05/2020 20:13

Help dealing with DD, 7 ASD

@Awbu I think the majority of pp are missing the fact that your DD is ASD because, whilst you put it in the thread title, you didn’t mention it at all in the op so people have read it as ‘is moving house with (nt) dc cruel?’
I know at first read, despite the title, I didn’t remember the ASD in your title. Was it intentional to leave it out of the op? You may have had totally different responses if it had been there as it’s only when I later re clicked on the thread as I saw ASD did I realised I’d already read the thread.

FWIW my ASD (mainstream school so v high functioning) was DISTRAUGHT at our one house move, 5 years on still mentions what they loved about previous house, how they miss it, how they wish we still lived there. All this despite moving from semi where the neighbours disturbed us to a larger, peaceful detached. There is no way I would have repeated house moves, it caused ASD child far too much distress.

So yes, it would be cruel for us to do it.

Only you can decide what your child can cope with.