Be brutally honest are we cruel parents or is my dm and older colleagues being ridiculous?

[Awbu]

In a nutshell me and Dh buy houses and renovate them while we live in them.
We have two dc 7 and 4.
Eldest has lived in 3 different houses, ds 2. This has meant we’ve be able to increase money in house from 15k to over 100k and move dc to a much better catchment school in last year.
Obviously it has been disruptive for the dc slightly we had to stay with family for 4 weeks during last renovation as walls knocked down etc.
We are hoping to do another one before we can buy our forever home (hate that term but a home we would stay in forever).
People at office all openly criticised this idea and accused me of being a cruel mum moving them from house to house (these moves btw have been from one village to another 2 miles away). They are all women in their late 50’s/60’s who have had one family home after marriage so I can see why this doesn’t seem ideal to them.
Anyway my dm has gone batshit today after I said we’d move depending on the effects on the market within a year- and accused me of the same ‘cruel to unsettle the children’,
I don’t get this every move has been better than the last more space for dc, nicer village etc but am I being harsh on the dc?

Completely the kids rooms are always priority and they pick their own designs colours etc.
We do both work as well Dh full time and me part time- during last renovation Dh was off for 3 weeks and I had a week off and continued to do school runs - weekends Dh was at the house I kept the kids out all day so they weren’t annoying my family too much - soft plays, day trips then once they were asleep dm babysat and I went back to house to work. It’s not easy I’d say most days Dh was there from morn to early evening then I’d be there from 7pm to midnight.

How do you feel about it Awbu? That sounds pretty miserable to me but I know people who love doing a house up. It sounds like your DH is missing out on time with you all but he isn't the only man to do that.

You really like money don't you OP?

I went to 5 different primary schools in 4 years, up till I was 8 (and moved a couple times before starting school).
It definitely made a psychological difference to me.

But a house move whilst at the same school seems fine! My husbands parents have never moved and don’t desperately like their house/area, which is much worse: we’re now looking at helping them buy a bungalow/etc which is a financial burden we could do without!

I think it’s completely fine! Kids won’t notice whether the floor is concrete or expensive carpet if they have love and toys. If they’re staying in the same village and schools now it’s fine! staying in one house your entire childhood is more than weird and then people get more attached and upset when their parents sell “the family home” that’s they’ve not lived in for 19 years when the parents want to downsize to go cruising.

OP, keep do what to are doing providing a decent home and life for your kids, you are not moving them countries every year and they are learning about things and getting to decorate their own rooms.

Having a loving involved set of parents is more important than the same home for 18 years and a mum sat on her phone showing no interest in her kids.

Having a loving involved set of parents is more important than the same home for 18 years and a mum sat on her phone showing no interest in her kids.

How are those things related?!

By the time I was 10, I'd lived in 8 different houses and been to 3 different schools. I didn't like it and I have very consciously decided to ground my family in one place so that they 'come from' somewhere and so that they have a family home to come back to, even when they're off to college etc.

5 houses by the time you're 10 (which is what I assume your 7 year old is looking at) isn't too bad as long as everything else is the same. But yes, they will probably resent growing up in a building site.

He’s only two, he won’t remember it.

I was moved about way more than this as a small child and sometimes not willingly - won’t go into specifics but no, I don’t think you’re being cruel. Is it a little unsettling? Of course, it is unsettling for anybody moving house at any age, but for your DC, if they’re not moving school and within relatively good distance from friends then I honestly don’t see an issue.

My parents did this when we were growing up. I liked it! Plenty of chances to get new bedrooms. I think we moved 4 or 5 times but then stayed in one from age 10 ish until we left school. It enabled my parents to buy in a nicer area. Moved school once but when very young. My friends and family stayed the same and it really didn’t worry me. My DC is 3 and we are on our third house. We have had to move for work and so that’s the way it is! He doesn’t seem to have been affected by it.

well it sounds bonkers to me, but you've obviously got very different values; what you choose to give value and your energy and time to is not what i would.
that's your choice, but your children have no choice in the matter. and they are more sensitive, delicate, being young and still forming their personalities, so it affects them more.
it's not just a matter of physical discomfort or inconvenience, for them it may be deep insecurity. may not, but may be, then too late, done.
if you were my family i would say, why can't you be satisfied with what you've got. why waste your time, energy, and children's growing-up time on this pursuit of money, property, materialism.
relationships, people, kindness, consideration, making time for people, is what really is of value, and will see your children through to their lives' end. not the bigger house in a naice area. that's dross.

I am older than your Mum. I don't see how what you are doing will unsettle them as long as they aren't changing schools when you move and you can keep their surroundings reasonably comfortable.

We have had to do the same a couple of times, OP, it has been a lot of work and hopefully next move will be our last. But it's just about money! It's well for some to say, oh just buy your 'forever' home just after you get married - where do you get the money or the deposit for that? Fair play to you for creating it through hard graft.

Our kids can stay in same school though.

We have created equity by doing difficult jobs that other people shied away from (sorting out things done badly). We also have very good 'everyman' taste - I'm not an artist or an interior designer, but a very good eye for what ordinary people (of which I am one obviously) want when they move somewhere - clean lines, neutral decor, storage, more storage, an easy to care for but pretty garden with space to sit in etc. Our last place sold the day we put it on the market, it had been an ex student rental with wood chip peeling off the ceilings and a shit kitchen - and we made it a small but really gorgeous home with nothing to do but move in.

Have you watched Fixer Upper with Chip and Joanna Gaines? Omfg she is the queen of renovation and that is what they did when they started out - did up the house they lived in and moved on.

I loved in about 6 different houses between the age of 5 and 16.

It didn't damage me in any way. Only had one change of school in that time.

IDK, YANBU if you think it's all a step up I think. My parents moved to a more rural village when I was 8, and the house and village were so awful, people posh but judgemental, the house dark. It was the worst move ever but I hope you'll pick something better in the end for your home. xxx

I think the fact that your daughter didn’t settle in school and had to move schools probably answers your own question. It does seem selfish.

@Awbu Of course your not cruel. Your children arnt being starved and beaten lol Moving home and school is fine if you stay positive and not let others feed them negativity. My son had 5 schools and 4 homes and is absolutely fine and left school straight into work.

Our Dad was in the Military Police so we moved every three years or so, We got used to going to new schools and making new friends and from what you’ve posted you’ve just been moving a couple of miles down the road. What children need is security and you as parents can provide that, a house won’t.

It honestly sounds like the criticism from friends, colleagues and family is driven by envy, rather than meant as admonishment or concern for your children. You have a plan and if you’re happy with it, it’s all good

I grew up with parents in the military, generally moving every 3 years - so all I can say is ‘meh’. You’re doing this with your future home in mind, YANBU.

I stayed in the same house and never moved schools. My kids have moved house and school about once a year for the past 10 years.

We're now trying to settle in one place so the eldest can have a solid secondary school experience - it does have an effect - of course it does - they make shallow friendships for example, they have very different ideas and expectations to their school mates, the idea of being able to choose their own furniture (always rented) or have many possessions is foreign to them.

On the other hand, they're siblings who deeply care for each other, they already have had some amazing life experiences, and their education hasn't suffered - they're both doing very well in their academics, they're lovely kids who are polite and friendly, who are kind and open - and a lot of that is because of the vast amount of life experience they've already had.

There's no one perfect way to raise kids.

My kids have lived in 3 houses as we have had to work due to work. They are fine of course!

Ask the kids. I wouldn’t know.

Completely the kids rooms are always priority and they pick their own designs colours etc
We do both work as well Dh full time and me part time- during last renovation Dh was off for 3 weeks and I had a week off and continued to do school runs - weekends Dh was at the house I kept the kids out all day so they weren’t annoying my family too much - soft plays, day trips then once they were asleep dm babysat and I went back to house to work. It’s not easy I’d say most days Dh was there from morn to early evening then I’d be there from 7pm to midnight

I'd say your mother's opinion will be partly to do with the the once they were asleep dm babysat part of your statement.

Your wish isn't justn't affecting your kids (be that positive or negative), it's affecting the family you stay with and the people expected to babysit.

I'd do that for family once, maybe twice, but repeatedly is taking the piss imo.

We did this. DS1 lives in 7 houses my the time he was 7. He didn't need to change schools.Yes, we made money, but DS had enough and we've been in this house for 11 years.

Initially I didn't know why everyone didn't do it. We were also buying and selling houses we didn't live in at the same time.

I think it depends on your DC and how much you need the money whether it's worth it or not.

I think you're fine.

I had lived in eight different places by the time I was 19 and it wasn't the moves, no more than three years in the longest stay place, that was the issue so do what you want as I am sure you are doing the best for your family, as most people do.