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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Be brutally honest are we cruel parents or is my dm and older colleagues being ridiculous?

297 replies

Awbu · 16/05/2020 16:07

In a nutshell me and Dh buy houses and renovate them while we live in them.
We have two dc 7 and 4.
Eldest has lived in 3 different houses, ds 2. This has meant we’ve be able to increase money in house from 15k to over 100k and move dc to a much better catchment school in last year.
Obviously it has been disruptive for the dc slightly we had to stay with family for 4 weeks during last renovation as walls knocked down etc.
We are hoping to do another one before we can buy our forever home (hate that term but a home we would stay in forever).
People at office all openly criticised this idea and accused me of being a cruel mum moving them from house to house (these moves btw have been from one village to another 2 miles away). They are all women in their late 50’s/60’s who have had one family home after marriage so I can see why this doesn’t seem ideal to them.
Anyway my dm has gone batshit today after I said we’d move depending on the effects on the market within a year- and accused me of the same ‘cruel to unsettle the children’,
I don’t get this every move has been better than the last more space for dc, nicer village etc but am I being harsh on the dc?

OP posts:
HelloMissus · 16/05/2020 16:29

One of DD’s mates has done this for years.
She has her little brothers HATE it.
The mother knows but the dad won’t listen.

GrimmsFairytales · 16/05/2020 16:29

the house was always (felt like) a building site and once it was finally nice we moved again!!

I think this is also something to take into account. renovating houses is often noisy, dirty and stressful. To move on and then do the same several times could be very unsettling.

Original poster
Awbu · 16/05/2020 16:30

Interesting puppies that what dm said...just when the house is nice you leave it.
I don’t necessarily agree we’ve been here since Nov and everything was decorated and finished apart from the hall so by the time we move it could be 18 months two years of living in this finished home.

OP posts:
AriadnesFilament · 16/05/2020 16:31

Moving house? Nope. Crack on. If anything it gives them good life skills for the future.

Moving schools? Not ideal, but I’m not clear on whether you’ve actually done that tbh.

I say this as someone who had both of those scenarios growing up.

Original poster
Awbu · 16/05/2020 16:32

The last time the kids were not in house during renovation and the next time we are planning to tie it in during a 3 week holiday while we are away the house can be done. Obviously this all depends on when everything back to normal - so we might be stuck here now! 😂

OP posts:
whogoncheckmeBoo · 16/05/2020 16:32

No, not cruel at all. I have done similar. Moved when they were little, managed to always stay at same school. The amount of people who had a negative opinion surprised me! (Including MIL).

Kids found it exciting, always made friends and kept special friends through school and activities. I don’t think they missed out on anything - no one has ever gave me a good argument as to why it was detrimental. It has definitely been in their best interests- financially they will never have to find Money for a house deposit or mortgage if they don’t want to.

Eldest is looking to get on housing market As soon as possible and has even bigger plans, I think it has helped shape his confidence and knows it is not a house that make a family and stability it’s the people. Good luck! It sounds great

rwalker · 16/05/2020 16:32

God no they've known no different can't see why it would be an issue.

converseandjeans · 16/05/2020 16:33

Do you stay with DM in between moves? Maybe she's fed up of hosting 🤷‍♀️

GrimmsFairytales · 16/05/2020 16:34

The last time the kids were not in house during renovation

Where were they living?

ChicCroissant · 16/05/2020 16:35

I know a builder who does this - lives in the house while doing it up. Doesn't move as often as you because the rate of improvement is exceedingly slow but as your mother said, they live in really poor conditions and then sell when it's done.

You can choose to live on a building site, but your children don't get that option. You've been there less than a year and are planning to move them on again.

ChickenyChick · 16/05/2020 16:36

not cruel as such, but in your shoes I would not go around telling everyone how "clever" you were as that rubs some people up the wrong way.

By the time my DC were 4 and 6 they had lived in 5 different homes in 3 different countries

By about then we decided to stay put though and bought a long term home

We saved masses by moving so much (being ex-pats, rent paid for 10 years) but yes it was disruptive and the kids were happier once we properly settled down.

People keep saying how lucky we wer to be able to buy such a nice house, and we say "yes very lucky" but we know that really it was because we made some tough decisions and did not choose easy route (like you)

You know your kids

You know when to stop moving :)

Original poster
Awbu · 16/05/2020 16:36

Renovation always done before we move in last time we stayed with dm the next time we should able to stay in friends villa for 3-4 weeks whilst work is done.
Yes think dm is fed up of hosting 😂😂

OP posts:
ChickenyChick · 16/05/2020 16:37

That reads wrong, what I meant was: We did not choose the easy route, just like you are not choosing the easy route (but one that pays off long term)

Smellbellina · 16/05/2020 16:37

My eldest 2 (9 and 11) have moved 7 times they’ve never complained

Original poster
Awbu · 16/05/2020 16:38

Would not claim to be ‘clever’ if I was clever we could have afforded the big posh house without these moves :)

OP posts:
OpenWheelRace · 16/05/2020 16:38

I went to 11 different schools and we moved house 14 times between the age of 12 months and 13 years.

There's an argument to be had that it is the reason I move around such a lot as an adult.

HOWEVER - I think moving homes is far less disruptive than moving schools. Your youngest isn't going to be affected, the 7 year old will be - but if they're staying the same school that its fine.

ABucketOfShells · 16/05/2020 16:38

If school doesn’t change I don’t think it’s a big deal.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/05/2020 16:38

Fairly unsettling, I'd imagine.

WillSomebodyThinkOfTheChildren · 16/05/2020 16:39

Not cruel at all if the children remain in the same school. Its for the good of the whole family! Short term pain, long term gain and all that.

What do the kids think of it?

I know people in private rented accommodation who have to move every 18 months or so and the kids are just fine.

GrimmsFairytales · 16/05/2020 16:40

Renovation always done before we move in

Your Op said

me and Dh buy houses and renovate them while we live in them.

Both of those can't be true.

Thisismytimetoshine · 16/05/2020 16:40

11 different schools is outrageous, OpenWheelRace Hmm. What possessed your parents to live like that?

BilboBercow · 16/05/2020 16:40

I think you're doing this for yourselves not the kids

AMomHasNoName · 16/05/2020 16:41

I agree with your DM .

KateF · 16/05/2020 16:41

The thing is your children know no different. As a Forces family we moved frequently and I had been to five primary and three secondary schools by the age of thirteen. Until the last move I was fine so I would try to be settled by secondary age if you can.

riotlady · 16/05/2020 16:41

I moved quite a few times as a kid, although we also moved areas and schools which made it a lot a worse. I really hated it, I felt couldn’t get used to anywhere or feel stable and comfortable.