To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

Have you two finished yet? Yes, everybody gets your point. To you, she's being petty and wants "all" his attention. To others reading, it's obvious she's just concerned about how she's going to cope getting none of it on a full time basis. That's not childish, a marriage where one party spends every evening indulging their own interests they don't share with you wouldn't be a very happy one, and he's given her no assurances that won't happen so in the absence of that, it's the logical conclusion that it will.

To you, it doesn't really matter that he didn't discuss it with her as she should have said yes anyway. To some of us, it matters a lot and is a major relationship red flag.

People are different and expect different things in a marriage. What do you hope to achieve by going on and on? Some people don't seem to be able to cope when the OP doesn't change their mind based on the outcome of an AIBU thread, but the reality is, many of us on here are aware that the MN echo chamber is not real life. In real life, you are allowed to expect your husband to discuss major decisions that affect the whole family with you, without it automatically meaning you are a disgusting, jealous shrew trying to banish the step child from the house. In real life, you are allowed to have misgivings that relate to children without people jumping to outlandish conclusions.

The more of a dog with a bone you are, the less likely it is people will listen to you.

Sofa you're the dog with a bone if anyone is... look how much you've posted!

@aSofaNearYou the husband should have discussed it with her. that would have been the polite thing to do. The OP should have then said while it is a lovely idea and she wanted SS to feel welcome she has a few concerns at which point a list of rules could have been put in place.
Had the question been 'AIBU to be mad that husband did not discuss with me about DSS moving in?' rather then 'To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?' the responses she got would have been very different.

She did not help her case when she said that a large portion of her dislike for this is that it would mean more time being spend between DH and SS that she feels excluded from when all of her worries could have been put to rest by implementing rules that would be an of course to any 18 year old remaining at home for Uni to respect other people that live there too.

You've posted just as much if not more than me Wolf, don't be disingenuous. Every time I click back on to see how the thread has moved on, it's still just the same two people saying the same thing over and over even though OP is clearly not getting anything from it, and there's plenty of scope to which the thread could move on.

@aSofaNearYou it does not make the points any less valid though. the fact that there was very simple solutions to all those issues does indicate they are excuses after she got criticism for her first post

Sofa, did you even read the OP?

You seem to be spinning a bizarre work of fiction that becomes more embellished the longer the thread goes on.

I don’t think it is a simple solution. Lots of possible solutions. The main issue is to discuss it with all parties present and all points of view on the table.

I said it before I recognise the same names popping up on step mum threads purely to spread hate and make OP feel like shit for having any feelings other than unconditional love towards SC. They are not here to give advice or support quite the opposite. Its called trolling. Does it bring some sort of joy to your life @Wolfgirrl by doing this? Do you feel pleased with yourself like you have achieved something?

@Jen4813 should a step parent not show a step child unconditional love and support just as they would for their own child?

There is a massive difference between giving your opinion/saying someone is being silly to going on and on for days picking at OP, its vile

No they shouldn't be expected to have unconditional love for someone else's child just because she married their Dad. Some might, but that should no way be expected just because you married their Dad. Just the same as some SC are not keen on their step parents, they should not be forced to like them either.

@Jen4813 of course you can't force that kind of emotion but I feel that if they can't love the child like that or other way around then they should not marry as it makes life for everyone difficult with the parent forever stuck in the middle

The only people trolling are you, Sass and Sofa.

Telling me I need counselling, telling me I have unresolved issues, telling me I 'seek out' threads to troll stepparents (wtf?), telling me I'm vile, telling me I'm a nasty, telling me I'm a bully, telling me I make people feel like shit, amongst many other things! And that is just on this one forum.

Other posters have stepped in to call you out on it!

I have barely replied to you in ages, can you please stop being so obsessed with me and pay attention to the actual thread.

Whats crazy is on MN if a step parent does not love their SC and put them before anyone/everything (including their own DC in this post) then they are a terrible human being and should’t be with their DH. Yet bio mums can have all sorts of feelings and have even seen posts of them smacking DC but getting defended and told how difficult it is being a Mum etc. Step mums get ripped apart on here for just having doubts or feelings its so wrong.

@Jen4813 if she set simple rules in place for SS to follow she would not be putting his needs before her own or her children's needs though. I.E. no noise after a certain time, no brining home one night stands or a string of girlfriends etc

Wolf I could have said every word of that comment to you, please understand that your interpretation of the OP is not the only valid one.

I saw it as OP quite obviously generally has a good relationship with her step son and likes him, but hadn't quite muddled out why she felt uneasy about him living there full time because her husband didn't give her the forewarning to consider how it could work. That was clearly the root of the problem. If it later transpired that she would have been equally unhappy with the situation if he'd talked to her about it privately beforehand, then she might be worthy of the criticisms that have been laid on her.

She needed probing on whether there was a wider issue with her husband excluding her from decisions that had negatively impacted her feelings about the blended family situation. She needed asking what conditions would make her feel better about the situation, and advising to tackle those issues with her husband. It's pointless to just keep saying "you clearly hate your step son and are jealous. You should be ashamed of yourself", and it's blocking the conversation from ever moving on. She knows you think that at this point.

Nobody is asking stepmums to love their step kids like their own, only to (more or less) treat them like their own in the interest of fairness.

Obviously there are limits on this (such as the stepchild being violent, stealing, very abusive etc), but that doesnt apply in this case, in fact OP has said herself her stepson is lovely and respectful.

Her reasons at the beginning were nothing to do with his student experience and less to do with hubby overstepping the mark. They were to do with her not wanting to share 'her' house despite having plenty of room, because she feels irrationally territorial over it (this part never gets addressed by the OP supporters on here though, wonder why )

Stepson comes over every 2 weeks and watches a couple of films with his dad. Big deal. If OP had a daughter she saw every 2 weeks, and when she came over they watched a few girly films and had a pamper night, everyone would be saying how lovely it was spending quality time together.

There is no indication this behaviour would carry on if he moved in, the novelty will wear off seeing each other and they will just be absorbed into the family dynamic after a few weeks. To suggest every night they will manspread and watch Fast and Furious all evening is absurd really. But again, it is drama that adds flavour to the stepmum supporter's arguments on here.

Sofa neither is yours.

This is pointless. Half of us think one thing and think the other half are being ignorant and repetitive. The other half thinks the same in reverse. I'm out.

Still havent addressed the territorial thing though Sofa, no surprise there.

You have a house in London; he's.probably not going to leave from under your roof until he's approx. 37 years of age. Especially as we are on the brink of the recession to end all recessions. Hope you're ready.

Nice to see Jen continuing their claim that posters hate step parents.
Earlier on this thread I got a psychological analysis over projecting my issues, which is hilarious given I don't have a step parent, and now she's still pushing it.

Out of interest, how does me saying a dad shouldn't have passed the buck to his new partneelr to make her the bad guy when implementing boundaries with a teenager fit with your 'you go round searching for step parents to hate on' claims?

OP @livefornaps makes a good point and something I mentioned in a PP that we are talking 3 years min then it is likely DSS will want to get a job in London but won’t be able to afford the high rent prices and DH thinks he can just stay till he wants? Then you would be in a tricky situation of ‘kicking him out’ but as it stands he doesn’t live with you so totally different.

Wolf couldn't let it lie, then? The territorial thing - OP said the house was her mum's and her husband didn't get on with her mum. She's still grieving. Personally I think it's understandable she would feel defensive in those circumstances. Sometimes people feel things that aren't necessarily reasonable, but are understandable. I can easily see why her husband going over her head and not consulting her on this issue would sting more when it is her childhood home and attached to the grieving process, especially if her husband made her relationship with her family strained when her mother was still alive.

As I've said many times, I think the problem is OPs husband, not the step son, or her.

So now stepson isnt allowed to live with them because we will be in recession in 2024, stepson will no doubt be unemployed (despite being a pleasant and hard working boy who clearly cares about his future) and therefore will never leave?

Honestly what next 😂😂 stepson might turn out to be a werewolf and go on a murderous rampage at the next full moon?