To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

* unless the OP indulges DSS's every wish (regardless of how this works with the rest of the family) she will be anihilated*

Every wish??

Or just the wish for an 18 year old to live with his father, step mother and siblings?

Have not RTFT but saying that it's not his house infuriated me
Second marriage for me. Widowed young. Married again.
We live in the house I bought with first husband.
It would never occur to me to say it's not ours.
When you get married you become a team

* It would never occur to me to say it's not ours. *
When you get married you become a team

If you are a decent person.

If you have a good marriage.

As for enjoying her home life, sorry but she can eff right off. She has enjoyed having her husband and house to herself for years, step son is the one who missed out on time with his dad. They owe him frankly

That’s just such a bitter way of looking at it. The NR parent and their partner aren’t in the wrong for having a life and being happy even when the child isn’t with them. They don’t “owe” the child simply for just getting on with their lives.

@funinthesun19

No but OP and PPs are in the wrong for implying she can't enjoy her home life if her stepson lives with them!

@Wolfgirrl and @LolaSmiles I recognise both your names on other step mum threads putting OP’s down for having any feelings or voicing SC related concerns. It is very obvious you have your own personal issues that you are projecting on posts like these. I think you actually seek out step mum related posts just to make the OP feel like shit.

Really?

Given I regularly acknowledge there's some ridiculous double standards and step mum bias on some threads, I think you're mistaking 'not automatically affirming whatever a step parent says' with being anti step parent.

I happen to have the fairly boring view that people are parents for life, shouldn't put their subsequent partners before their children and it's wrong for partners to start playing favourites.

I just cannot imagine a time when my children (teens, adults, whatever) wouldn't automatically be welcome to live with me, no matter who i was with or where I lived. Anyone that tried to over rule that natural instinct to support and care for my child would have no place in my life. If I were the DH I wouldn't discuss it with my wife because it would be presumed right from the start that he would always be welcome in my home. Obviously presuming that he was respectful of everyone and there weren't any concerns about anyone's safety or well being as a result.

This is awfully sad. Just heartbreaking

Well dont you sound like an absolute peach? Are you definitely a real person and not a film evil stepmother?

@Jen4813

You can dredge through my posts as much as you want, it doesn't change this one.

I can't be that unreasonable as 82% of 1800+ votes agree that OP is in the wrong here.

I feel very sad for your stepson. You say you love him but your desire to get rid of him tells a very different story. How would you feel if another woman treated your own children like this, if your marriage breaks up and your husband marries again?

it's wrong for partners to start playing favourites.

What does this mean?

@funinthesun19 I think basically it means that step children and biological children should all be treated equally by the step parent and parents In a lot of cases this is not the case and you will see a double standard. For example if the OPs children wanted to stay at home for uni or had a special one on one time with the husband I am sure she would have no problem and would of course let them remain at home

What does this mean?
There shouldn't be several tiers of children.

If people choose to blend families then they choose to blend families.

Certain things are decisions for mum and dad (eg which school they go to), but it shouldn't be the case that some children are only welcome at their mum/dad's house some of the time depending on how their new partners feel.

Equally, there shouldn't be situations where the children staying every other weekend with the NRP get to be rude, ignore house rules whilst dad plays Disney dad to those kids when the resident children have to follow rules.

@Lolasmiles “There shouldn't be several tiers of children.”

Do you realise how contradicting you sound? That is exactly what your suggesting here but DSS being at the top of the imaginary tier because he has ‘missed out’ for 18 years (even though he hasn’t and sounds like has a good relationship with his Dad whilst living with his bio Mum) and is suddenly convenient for him to move in for 3 years because London is expensive. That is putting DSS Uni choice preferences (yes CHOICE because this is not essential) before OP and before her DC needs. People posting acting like OP wants to kick DSS out you do realise he doesn’t actually live there?! So it is not even slightly similar to your imaginary ‘what if DH wanted to kick one of their DC out when they turn 18’ People need to put their own personal experiences aside and look at the bigger picture and how this impacts OP and her DC’s lives not just DSS.

@Jen4813 but we have no idea if SS will have a negative impact on the household. All her worries could easily be taken care of by basic simple houserules that I am sure he would have no problem sticking to

Jen
I've not mentioned missing out for 18 years or kicking people out.

I don't think it's reasonable for someone to expect their partner not to have his child staying because they dislike the fact they watch action movies together during a fortnightly visit and have more shared interests.

It's interesting that you talk about the OP and her DC NEEDS when the reality is the OP would rather not share 'her' house. Nobody is trampling on her 'needs'.

I was with a partner and they seriously decided their 'need' for attention was so much that they were jealous of me spending time once a fortnight with my child then I'd be questioning the relationship.

lovepickledlimes you're right. There's nothing that can't be solved by a discussion of expectations.

OP has said she doesn’t want to be making and enforcing rules for an 18 year old SS and I don’t blame her! Its not her place to have to do that, its DH and it sounds like he won’t be doing it from OP mentions of him in PP so no wonder she feels stressed. It’s not like its just her and DH she will have two young DC to be raising whilst an 18 year old comes and goes at all hours getting drunk (yes this WILL happen)

**It’s not like its just her and DH she will have two young DC to be raising whilst an 18 year old comes and goes at all hours getting drunk (yes this WILL happen)
**

This is a family. Many families have big age gaps with children at different life stages

“I don't think it's reasonable for someone to expect their partner not to have his child staying because they dislike the fact they watch action movies together during a fortnightly visit and have more shared interests.”

18 year old lad is not a child.
I don’t class moving in for 3 years ‘staying’ and who is to say after those 3 years he doesn’t decide he quite enjoys living in London and wants to work there but can’t afford the rent prices so that ‘3 years’ get extended.
OP has already said she can cope with feeling left out every fortnight but it is the idea of this being full time she is worried about. DH will have 2 other DC, life does not revolve around one DSS. I understand where OP reservations are coming from but I do think DH has a lot to answer for here.

I initially thought you were being unreasonable. However, having read @Whatnowwww contributions since, I have changed my mind.

Your first post was unusual. The house is shared regardless of sentiment, and your DSS should be allowed the option to live with his father at university.

However - there absolutely must be rules. DSS sounds considerate and lovely from your other posts. I'm sure he'd understand why you'd need these in place, given that you will soon have two little ones.

You mentioned OP that you speak directly with DSS's mum - does she know of DSS's uni plans to live with you? What are her views and what rules does she currently have in place?

Teenagers, even lovely responsible ones, will sometimes disregard the rules. Especially in terms of sometimes having fun and not always abide by them. But if you are consistent with the rules and fair to him, I hope that you would find a way to live happily.

But honestly - sounds like your DH is the biggest problem. He needs to parent his son if DSS is going to be living with you full time. Especially with little ones in the house.

You actually sound lovely too OP - just slightly stressed while pregnant, with new living arrangements. It's ok to be concerned and want ground rules. But don't word it in the same way as your op haha. Write down your valid concerns and discuss it with DH. Maybe work on the basis that DSS will be coming to live with you, so you need to discuss the practicalities of how that will work.

Good luck with the baby, DSS and your DH!

@Sodamncold Yes but it is very different telling your own 18 year old to follow rules to the idea of someone elses! DH needs to step up. I feel very sorry for OP here no wonder she is stressed.

Set some rules.

If going out for the night sleep and pissed sleep over at a mates

Cook a roast for the family every Sunday. And complete a shared household task daily - bathrooms or hoovering or what ever

Be considerate of kids bed times (music via headphones generally )

Text well in advance if not eating with family

Babysitting I’ve a week

@Wolfgirrl 1800 votes on AIBU on a forum (with a large majority of members) that is well known for being completely unsupportive towards step parents and the complex dynamics means absolutely nothing to those of us who have insight into these dynamics.

If this post was on a forum where step parents were supportive, nearly all posters would empathise with the Op and understand why she felt the way she did. There would also be balance however and a complete acknowledgement that her saying an absolute no to this set up wouldn’t be the best solution. And advice would be given on how to navigate this.

I’m not entirely sure what happened to you, but I’d ask that you stop projecting your issues onto step parenting threads please. Posters like you are the reason I withdrew from the step parenting section. What happened to you is no ones fault, you’re not over it? Get counselling. Rubbish stuff happens to a lot of people growing up. The smart ones don’t go into Internet forums and project their issues onto other people.

Your insight as a stepchild could be used really usefully. To help give advice from the other side and help people arrive at compromises. You could also use these threads to actually seek to understand what can happen when you are the step parent in these situations. As that may also help you to arrive at some adult level perspective and not stay stuck in this angry child state that you appear to be stuck in.

The whole route for this problem is the Dh and the complete lack of dialogue/ convo with the OP. It’s disrespectful and entitled. Entitlement around NR children is a dynamic a lot of NRP’s have and it causes huge issues like this in many blended families.

There are many divorce statistics around second families where both partners bring children from other relationships to the marriage. They are sky high and the people who make it are the ones who operate as a team. First and foremost. That requires communication, compromise, active listening and a lot of hard work.

People can come on these forums and judge and be vile. Blended families will become more common and quite frankly as a society we need to become more equipped (as a whole) to understand how complex the dynamics and challenges are.

That includes not piling into someone from a deeply judgemental place. I can only conclude that a lot of posters on mnet are deeply unhappy. Less judgement people.