To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

jeez I only said I was treated like DSS and wont forget about it 🙄 one line!

Bit ironic since OP said the things you and others have latched on to for days once in her OP, and has been very humble since then, yet you have kept on at her like she is wielding an axe inscribed with "I hate my step son" this whole time.

One comment about how they tend to do their own thing when he's there and she ends up bored, but she knows there's no malice behind it and is totally fine with it but dreading the idea of it being full time for three years, has turned into her apparently being consumed with jealousy over their relationship, threatened by his presence and resentful he comes at all.

If you want to talk about blowing something out of proportion, maybe read back how few comments OP has actually contributed and how mild mannered they have been.

Sofa you honestly sound paranoid now

....eh? How so?

Does saying "honestly" before a totally random adjective that doesn't fit in the slightest just make it true to you 😂

light
I know a few people who did similar, especially if they did 4 year sandwich degree.

Quite a surprising number of my sixth forners have started choosing local universities to live at home. It's certainly more noticeable in the last couple of years. It turns out that maintenance loans wouldn't even cover student accommodation at some universities in our region, student jobs are hard to come by and they don't have the family income to be topped up all the time. If there's not much difference in course, it makes sense to stay home, chip into board/food and then have some money to live on.

We also find that a good number of our trainee teachers finish university and move in with their parents for their training year.

Not everyone wants the party lifestyle and there's a lot of parents who are happy to reduce the amount of debt their child gets into where possible.

I would suggest that he lives in halls in his first year and then live with you in his second and third year. It's hard to make friends living at home, especially at london universities where everyone is so spread out. He will have much more fun at a provincial uni!

There shouldn't be several tiers of children.

I do understand to an extent, but there are times where as a parent the partner will not being “playing favourites”, but simply just being a parent. They have a parental responsibility to ensure their child isn’t pushed aside to cater for children that aren’t theirs. You see it all the time on here where dads who are also stepdads should always put their own children first above their stepchildren (financially, emotionally, practically) Well the same logic works when the stepparent is a woman too.

Funny how everyone forgets he is not just OP's stepson, but her kids' brother. Their flesh and blood.

Are you for real?

I’ll be forever grateful to the lovely ladies who have fought my corner, I’m not too sure why the others have trolled me so much. I’m not too sure why I’m an evil stepmother when I’ve said time and time again I love DSS and DSS loves me.

For anyone who doesn’t know the statistics for divorce, here they are ( based on quick internet research, I can’t quote academic sources):
First marriages: 40%
Second marriages: 60%
Second marriages with children on both sides: 70%.

Against that backdrop of already being in a marriage more likely to fail, why should a step parent always have to unquestionably give in an adult step child. It doesn’t exactly make things better for the SC if the second marriage ends in divorce and it certainly doesn’t help children of the second marriage.

Why did you even post when you're convinced you're right and only want to listen to people who "fight your corner"?

Why post in AIBU if you're going to call everyone that disagrees with you a troll?

As for 'unquestionably giving in' to your DSS, how ridiculous. He makes one reasonable request and you're stretching it to silly proportions.

I always find it amazing when someone gets absolutely flamed on AIBU, gets one supportive comment amongst all the YABUs and is all like, 'Thank you so much for the support, it means the world' etc 🙄🙄

Errrr YABU and you got told.

Blimey, so you acknowledge that your marriage is very likely to fail but still don’t see that what you’re doling out to your DSS is what will be doled out to your DC.

why should a step parent always have to unquestionably give in an adult step child

Maybe because those of us who successfully manage our relationships with our stepchildren don’t take an adversarial approach and seek compromise. I don’t “give in” to mine or expect them to do the same with me. We discuss issues like adults and find a mutually acceptable solution.

If I’d realised my marriage only had a 30% chance of success I’d have run away 22 years ago - thank goodness I was blissfully ignorant!

Whatnowwww, I hope you are just speaking about statistics and not saying your marriage is on the rocks, especially as you are pregnant.

I do understand how you feel but the answer is to discuss it as a family, work out what rooms your stepson can call 'his own' and set a couple of gentle boundaries. Share your misgivings. Mine would be lack of privacy, I might feel awkward if, for example, I wanted to go to bed for a sleep with my baby in the afternoon, if another adult in the house might judge me. There are many factors in this. At the same time your stepson must be made to feel welcome; he's with you now and you presumably get along OK.

The other thing is it is quite a long way off, anything can happen between now and Autumn 2021, the lad may not want to stay at your place when it comes to it. He'll be older and possibly ready to strike out on his own.

And he should be encouraged to do that! You don’t seem to have had the conversation about where else would be a suitable university. What’s his personality like? What would he like to enjoy at university? It’s going to be stifling living in your household so is it right for him? He should be encouraged to think about the pitfalls!

By the way, it’s hardly a new thing that a maintenance loan doesn’t cover rents. It can be way too low in London. That’s why some DC simply won’t look at London. Living at home tends to be where students don’t aim high for the best universities and go local because it’s easier. Going away gives a better all round experience which is valuable. I can see that London for DSS is going away but it’s also going to limit his social life. He needs to be aware of this and if you have a great relationship with him, I don’t see why you cannot have this conversation with him. No one ever mentions what DSS thinks.

Nobody has said you don't love him and he doesn't love you.
Are you seriously trying to argue that he shouldn't live with his dad because some second marriages fail and that's bad for the children of the second marriage (eg your child)?
If a marriage fails because one partner doesn't like the other supporting their child through university then that's a worrying sign.

Say your relationship did end, I take you'd be quite happy for your ex husband to refuse to allow your shared DC to stay if his new partner doesn't like it?

All the drama of this thread aside OP, what is your plan to tackle the problems with your husband?

It seems very evident from the way you talk about your step son and your husband that it is the latter's behaviour that is putting strain on your relationship. Have you talked to him at all about him not discussing this with you, or about how things will be if/when your step son does move in?

OP I have already said I think YANBU and you have every right to express feelings/concerns even if they are negative. I am worried from your updates, it doesn’t sound like you have been talking to DH about this? I hope you have people in your life you can talk to and don’t feel alone in this situation. Have you spoken to DSS even? It might be that this whole thing was DH idea and DSS just went along with it to please him but if he thought about the reality of missing out on so much of the Uni experience he might not want to anyway?

I think OP point in her last message was aimed towards all the people who seem to be obsessed over DSS happiness - that it wouldn’t exactly be good for him to see 2 failed marriages. If OP and DH don’t have a stable foundation the rest falls apart, so yes the marriage is important and DH shouldn’t be putting DSS above that.

Horrible...Its your house, gosh, and your husband and his son get on well, lots to chat about. You simply dont want him there!
You married your husband knowing he had a son, that son is as important to him as the children he has with you. His home is wherever his mum or dad are. You sound bloody jealous, just imagine the same being done to your children!

that it wouldn’t exactly be good for him to see 2 failed marriages.
Oh please, if that's what's been suggested then we're hitting an illogical argument that it's in a teenager's best interests to not be allowed to stay with his dad because it will be upsetting for him if dad and step mum split up, which they might if he stayed with them.

I can see it now "no son, you can't live with us during university because your step mum has decided that you living with us might end our marriage, but don't feel let down by me as your dad because it's really in your interests that I'm putting my wife before you as it wouldn't be good for you to see a relationship end at 18/19 years old".

If any marriage is under threat because one party doesn't want the other's perfectly police and respectful teenager to live with them then I think the marriage has some substantial issues.

@LolaSmiles No what I am saying is if OP and DH don’t start communicating about this and if DH thinks it is ok to make a decision like that without even talking to his wife first (moving his adult 18 year old son into their family home for 3 years) with no consideration towards OP thoughts or feelings then there might not be a marriage for much longer and therefore DH won’t be moving DSS into OP’s house in London that he no longer lives in and then this whole thread is irrelevant.

God talk about reductio ad absurdum 😆

I agree he should have discussed it with the OP and said that in my first post.

But that discussion should be how to make it work, not 'but it's MY house, I'm possessive of MY house, yes he's a nice and respectful boy but I don't think I can manage living with him because when he visits fortnightly you watch movies together and you have more common interests so I might not get all the attention'.

As others have said, there's nothing that can't be solved with a discussion of expectations.

Telling a parent they shouldn't have their teenage child live with them because you won't get as much attention and it's my house not ours is the sort of attitude that would likely make any reasonable parent run for the hills and prioritise their child.