To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

*root not route. Autocorrect

If he moves in then he is part of the family
So the OP has every right to have rules.
If he moves in, it’s on the understanding that he’s part of the family and pulls his weight.

@sassbott best message I have seen on MN! I totally agree and said the same that some people are projecting their own issues on here and I see the same names doing it on other step parent threads. It needs to stop.

@sassbott I zoned out before finishing your essay. On the flipside of the coin if you post on a forum specifically for step parents, the bias will be toward step parents, so obviously OP would have got a better reception. I'm fine thank you and dont need counselling, I'm a tough cookie but obviously I dont forget how unfairly I was treated, and I will stick up for any stepchild being treated the same way. It isnt projection, it is called being principled.
You've harped on about OP's husband but havent addressed the fact the primary reason she didnt want DSS to move in (in her original post) was simply because she didnt want to share her house and family life with him.

Would OP be booting out her own 18 year old son in the same circumstances? No. Therefore we can conclude she is treating her stepson unfairly.

@Wolfgirrl you have just admitted you seek out step parents threads to give the OP a hard time because of your own step child related issues and feel it’s now your duty to ‘stick up for step children’ How exactly do you think you don’t need counselling?

Funny it's always the evil step parent who is the problem but not the idiot, utterly selfish, thoughtless, unloving parent, who put the resulting seriously damaged stepchildren into these sad situations by shagging and getting together with these evil so and sos .

Of course it's always the kind, considerate helpful stepchild who inexplicably gets left out by these evil ones whilst the blameless real parent looks on happily.

@Jen4813 stop trying to turn this thread on me to detract from the OP

@Wolfgirrl I am calling you out for what you are so that the OP knows not to listen to you. You are a nasty bully who trolls step mum threads because of you past. Making other step mums feel shit does not some how make up for the fact that you were treated unfairly by yours. You need to stop.

If he moves in then he is part of the family
So the OP has every right to have rules.
If he moves in, it’s on the understanding that he’s part of the family and pulls his weight
He's part of the family when the OP and her husband got married and agrees to blend their families.
I totally agree on rules and expectations though.

No-one is being 'booted out'. He's never lived there. Which is exactly why OP is worried about it as it's a massive change; if he was already living there her concerns would have either never been an issue in the first place., or been resolved by now. My SDC have never lived with us. It is not a 'given' to me that I would have to accept it if they decided they wanted to move in at an age where it isn't 100% necessary for their welfare. That's not saying I would refuse, or have the final say, but I would expect to be part of the discussion around the logistics, and the compromises that we would ALL have to make to adjust to a new living arrangement.

Jen
Wolf expressing a different opinion to you doesn't mean you need to be so invested in trying to psychoanalyse them.

You're sounding ridiculous now.

Ohffs66
Wanting to discuss what him moving in would look like is entirely reasonable.

The thread would have been different if it said:
"I get on well with my step son but I'm a bit thrown by the fact his dad has said he can move in without discussing it with me first. DSS is going to university and I'd have liked the opportunity to discuss this with DH. Given we have small children, I'd want to have some clear expectations about what DSS living with us would look like because I'd not be happy if he wanted the uni party lifestyle on the cheap".

But that's not what the OP said, she doesn't see why she should have to share 'her' house with the step son, has said she's possessive about her house, she feels pushed out because step son visits on a weekend he watches films with his dad on an evening and they have more in common with each other than DH and her.

@Lolasmiles No what is ridiculous is seeking step parent threads to be spiteful and project your own issues with no intention to help or offer advice purely hateful comments. This is not a one off.

@LolaSmiles thank you. There will always be posters like Jen, disagree with them and they whip their psychologist hat out and try to deflect onto you lol

"I get on well with my step son but I'm a bit thrown by the fact his dad has said he can move in without discussing it with me first. DSS is going to university and I'd have liked the opportunity to discuss this with DH. Given we have small children, I'd want to have some clear expectations about what DSS living with us would look like because I'd not be happy if he wanted the uni party lifestyle on the cheap".

^ That would have been an entirely reasonable post and I would have fully supported it.

@LolaSmiles I agree with you. Jen is more of a bully than Wolfgirrl in telling her to stop expressing her viewpoint on step parent threads.

Jen
You seem intent on arguing people seek out threads about step parents and trying to claim people have all sorts of issues.

It's bizarre

YABU you feel threatened by your husbands son 😔 have you always felt like this? You say you have a little one, why don’t you try and involve him and yourself? Arrange an activity for them both (DSS and LO), could be baking or painting anything. Have a movie night with DSS and DH, get some snacks, treats and fizzy pop, settle down, have fun and be a family unit. Might not be your thing but get out of your comfort zone, you might enjoy it, if you make the effort and give a little you won’t feel so excluded, sure your husband would be delighted.

@Wolfgirrl the fact that you zoned out tells me all I need to know about you. You’re closed. ‘Principled’ is a term wheeled out by emotionally limited people IME. Because they adhere so closely to their ‘principles’, it leaves no space for seeking to understand, communication or compromise. It’s an inherently closed mindset. Zero growth comes from that mindset.

I was the child of an alcoholic parent. I don’t walk around vilifying alcoholics. I have spent a lot of my personal energy understanding addiction, the dynamics, personal choice. I don’t hate my alcoholic parent, I should. But I don’t. Why? Because as an adult I understand that that parent had an addiction and was a deeply unhappy person. They have a great deal of my sympathy.

Read the book option B at some point. It explains the difference between people who experience trauma in their lives and cultivate a mindset of trying to find purpose from that grief. Vs the ones who don’t. And walk around in someone sort of victim mentality bullying people because they take a post on mnet and make it about themselves.

That’s all you’re doing. But by all means stick to your principles and good luck with it.

@sassbot jeez I only said I was treated like DSS and wont forget about it 🙄 one line! And in return I get 3 essays, a recommendation for counselling and a full psychological profile! 🤣 Gotta love MN sometimes!

Wolf
I can top that. I've been told I'm projecting my issues onto the OP... and I didn't have a step parent!
There's nowt like a bit of pseudo-psychological bullshit online to dismiss people who have different options.

Oh no - yes would hate it!
But wouldn't stop it :(

@lolasmiles 😂😂😂 honestly, there arent enough counsellors in the world for the people on MN that need them apparently...

It sounds like you have a DH problem, not a DSS problem.

He should have discussed it with you first, and he should be very receptive to laying down some ground rules.

When they don’t leave home, it’s easy for them to remain a child in the way they view the household. Your DH’s attitude of dealing with things as they arise is crap, as it more stressful for everyone and more likely to cause bad feeling than having a chat with him around what it will look like if he stays with you during university.
If it were my daughter I’d want it agreed that

• I didn’t expect to have to nag her to clean her room and do her own laundry
• she clears up after herself around the house straight away - not leaving stuff by the sink for ages saying she’ll do it
• to send texts letting us know if she’s back for dinner or not, and it would be nice if she meal planned, shopped, cooked, and cleared up a couple of family meals a week.
• no bringing new friends back without checking first.
• being quiet if coming back very late and letting us know by text that she was
• our family house couldn’t become the default hangout for uni mates, of course bringing a friend round is welcome with minimal notice and a familiar friend with none, but you don’t want to walk into your family home to 6 students lolling around your sitting room with cans and feet on every surface and the contents of Dominos boxes being eaten on the sofa and floor.
• always remembering her key I’d let her have her say about her expectations and fears, which might be reminding us it isn’t school and she doesn’t want the 3rd degree about her work and course; not expecting her back every night etc.
  I’d find his “lacking confidence* comment infuriating. He clearly sees himself as a chilled out dude and you as a fuss pot when it sounds like you have an excellent relationship with DSS and don’t want it damaged.

• my daughter was a lot more domestically irritating than your DSS by the sound of it, but a year au-pairing and living away at uni helped a lot.

She returned to live with us a couple of times for a few months post uni due to work placements and it was lovely, but it was still lovely to wave her off at the end - and we have a great relationship! It makes total sense for him to live with you if he attends a London university but I do think they miss out on that leap of independence.