To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

[Whatnowwww]

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

I did things definitely not suitable to be brought into a family home when I was about 14. It definitely isnt limited to students. What do you suggest, boot all teenagers out in case they act like teenagers?

Most 14 year olds do not regularly, as in often several times a week, come home stinking drunk or have an open door policy to a variety of friends, girlfriends or ONS, unless there is a serious discipline problem. And in that case, they can't just be kicked out because they are dependants and have nowhere else to go. It's completely different for a university student for whom those things are considered normal and age appropriate, and who are capable of living elsewhere and supporting themselves.

I'm well aware of the benefits of him living with them, but choosing not to offer accommodation to an adult who has options and is at the most typical time in a person's life to be doing things that are inappropriate around children, is completely different to kicking out a 14 year old dependent.

So stepson loses out because his dad was careless?

Step son loses out of his dad is thoughtless and disrespectful habitually, which it sounds like he is.

Most 14 year olds do not regularly, as in often several times a week, come home stinking drunk or have an open door policy to a variety of friends, girlfriends or ONS, unless there is a serious discipline problem.

Most of the people I know that went to university were nothing like this. Drunken nights out, yes. But that's where the similarities ended. And like I said, plenty of other options if they don't want him coming home drunk, like crashing at a friend's, hotel, sleeping on downstairs sofa so he doesn't wake his siblings etc.

Why should be lose out because his dad was careless? Should the other two kids out if they ask to stay at home beyond 18?

Honestly you sound so nasty and mean spirited

@Wolfgirrl

🤦‍♀️ it's like talking to a brick wall. I'm not mean spirited, I just don't think it's appropriate to make major decisions about moving people into the house without discussing it with your wife first. I think it's mean spirited to expect her to just put up with being disrespected in that way, and to patronize her for being worried that (as there is no evidence to the contrary) things will carry on as they generally are when her step son moves in, and she will end up perpetually bored and excluded. So, to me, you are mean spirited.

There is a difference between OPs step son moving in next year, as opposed to her own children wanting to stay in 15-20 years time. For one thing, there probably won't be small children in the house at that time, making this set up complicated and potentially unworkable. But for another, she will have the authority to set her own rules when it comes to her kids. So yes, because it is a blended family situation, her husband has a duty to make it work for everyone. He's certainly not doing that by going totally over her head and not even respecting her enough to discuss it with her. I don't see it as him being "careless", I see it as a major red flag that will trickle down into what life living with him and step son in toe would actually be like, if this is how he thinks partnerships work. I can't stress this enough, but even if it was their shared child, living arrangements after turning 18 should have been discussed and agreed between them, in a proper partnership. He has not fostered a situation in which OPs opinion is considered valid and she is included in decision making, so he cannot expect her to relish the thought of him moving in. This is all on HIM

@aSofaNearYou excellent post.

@aSofaNearYou

I said that hubby should have consulted her.

But even if he had, the outcome should be the same - DSS should be able to move in with them if she has an ounce of decency.

The poor boy has had his parents split up, only sees his dad every 2 weeks, has a stepmum that clearly presents him despite being respectful of her, and is even criticised for watching films with his dad. Now his dad has made either a careless mistake or been thoughtless, he is the one that will suffer for it. How will he not?

The small children excuse is ridiculous. If it was OP's own 18 year old son I suspect she wouldn't be booting him out because of a new baby. Poor DSS being shunned again in favour of his 'new' siblings, who already have advantages he did not.

Honestly, stop obsessing over the husband (who yes, needs a sharp talking to) and remember who has the most to lose from this, which is DSS. He will miss out on time with his dad that he hasn't had for years, time with his new siblings and 35k that he could otherwise save.

I am a stepchild, I was treated in a similar manner to DSS here and I have never forgotten it. Neither will he.

University students who live with parents have to miss out on the drunken nights, ONS, and just in general having friends congregate in your home. It’s the sacrifice that has to be made for saving on housing expenses.

@purpleartichoke

It wouldn't be all or nothing, more of a compromise. He can stay over with friends, book a travelodge for a big messy one, or if it's just a pub night agree to creep in and sleep on the sofa (and obviously get a bollocking if he doesnt stick to this). In return he saves 35k over three years. Good deal to me provided he sticks to the rules.

It wouldn't be all or nothing, more of a compromise. He can stay over with friends, book a travelodge for a big messy one, or if it's just a pub night agree to creep in and sleep on the sofa (and obviously get a bollocking if he doesnt stick to this). In return he saves 35k over three years. Good deal to me provided he sticks to the rules.

But because the OP wasn't involved in the decision, we don't know if there are any rules, and if the DH intends that there should be.

@feedingthebirds1

So OP should call a meeting to discuss it rather than outright refusing? That wasn't her reason for not wanting him there anyway was it?

And even if DH did lay down any rules, is he likely to enforce them? Or is he one of those guilt ridden parents who desperately tries to over compensate for the divorce, and turns a blind eye to behaviours that need addressing?

Op. And anyone else. If you have an issue regarding stepchildren/ step parenting/ blending, Mumsnet is not the place to post.
Even the step parenting board is full of non step parents giving their tuppence worth on how step parents should approach situations/ feel about things. Most of it very unbalanced in their views about how step children ‘should’ be treated and how step parents ‘should’ behave. My favourite line pedalled out is ‘you knew what you were getting into when you got into a relationship with a man who had children.’

No. The vast majority of women in these situations had absolute no idea of what they were signing up to. And if they had, they wouldn’t have done.

There are other dedicated step parenting forums where the advise you will get will be much more balanced and sympathetic.

There categorically should have been a conversation regarding something as big as this. So that you had an opportunity to voice your feelings. Given the fact that you’ve lived with this dynamic (feeling shut out) for what appears to be some time, are some honest conversations overdue?

These situations can be overcome and compromises often found. But, that requires a conversation and someone on the other side willing and able to listen. Not easy with NRP’s who see their children so little (if contact is EOW). Doesn’t mean those convos shouldn’t happen.

NR Stepchildren do not and should not get carte Blanche to do as they wish. If your DH had wanted this then he should have stayed single/ lived alone and then it is purely his decision what he allows.

@Wolfgirrl I said in my very first comment that ultimately the kindest thing to do would be to let him stay. That was back when there were still commenting on the actual question - AIBU to not be happy with step son moving in, rather than their own interpretation- AIBU to ban step son from living with us.

I'm not obsessing over the husband any more than you are obsessing over the step son.

The step son has options. He could go to uni somewhere cheaper, he could get a student loan. He is not really the only one that stands to lose out, OP also stands to lose out on enjoying her home life and feeling like her children are safe.

In my opinion, the way in which this has been done, with no thought given to OPs opinion, makes it reasonable to not be happy about the situation. In my opinion, it is the OPs husband's fault that she doesn't think she could cope with/enjoy living with his son, and he needs to find a solution to that, whether that be assurances to the OP, or buying his own house for them to live in. In my opinion, nobody HAS to put up an adult child if they don't think living with them would be manageable. Step child or otherwise. It is not some travesty to not have an extended offer to stay with your parents during your adult years, for many that is normality. It is generally very conditional, if it does happen.

You have experience of being step child and clearly feel strongly that a step child wouldn't get over being "treated this way." Well, I have experience as a step mother, and know that I would never get over being regularly excluded from major decisions about my family home. There isn't one person that stands to lose out. I by no means mean that the step son should not move in, what I mean is that OP is not unreasonable to be wary or unhappy with the situation in the circumstances.

@Wolfgirrl You mentioned several times why should DSS ‘miss out’. On the other hand why should OP ‘miss out’ on the peace of mind of raising her children in her own home without a Uni student coming and going at all hours. And the 2 younger DC won’t they ‘miss out’ on quality time with DH if he’s busy watching lad films with DSS. My point is not everything revolves around DSS whilst yes he is important he is not the priority over everyone else in the family, I am not sure why you refuse to understand where OP is coming from here.

Yes you are being unreasonable.
That's great your DH & DSS have an amazing relationship and you should never feel left out or jealous. It's a different dynamic !

If he is going to Uni in London it would be a massive help for him and when you married your DH you have taken on responsibility of his children as well... would you want someone who didn't help your DC also ?

Maybe you can work out a routine/tasks or rent he can pay while he is studying to help set boundaries on your house and space.

Because people have entrenched views. They won’t listen to both sides. Do we know yet if the DSS is set on a university in London? He may never make any payments on his student loan so should take it and save it! Lots of people do this.

@Coffeepot72

And even if DH did lay down any rules, is he likely to enforce them? Or is he one of those guilt ridden parents who desperately tries to over compensate for the divorce, and turns a blind eye to behaviours that need addressing?

God you're right. He is clearly a nightmare stepson, coming over every 2 weeks to watch films and be respectful to his stepmum. He clearly rules the roost in that house, and his entitlement and rebellion must be squashed like a bug on a windshield. Clearly his dad has spoilt him rotten spending a night with him every 2 weeks. Disgraceful indulgent parenting. I can only imagine the carnage in the house if he moves in.

@sassbott

No. The vast majority of women in these situations had absolute no idea of what they were signing up to. And if they had, they wouldn’t have done.

Same can be said for some 'regular' parents. But you make your choices in life and should be decent enough to honour them.

NR Stepchildren do not and should not get carte Blanche to do as they wish. If your DH had wanted this then he should have stayed single/ lived alone and then it is purely his decision what he allows.

Who said they do? I absolutely agree step parents should not be expected to tolerate bad behaviour from their step kids. If his mum had kicked him out because he was off the rails, I would absolutely agree with OP not to let him move in. And his dad should have stayed single if he wanted his child to live with him? What the actual fuck? OP has been very lucky to have her husband to herself all these years, she should be grateful. Why is it always the mum's job to house their kids?

@aSofaNearYou

He could go to uni somewhere cheaper, he could get a student loan. He is not really the only one that stands to lose out, OP also stands to lose out on enjoying her home life and feeling like her children are safe.

Maybe the uni is the best for his course? Maybe he is pleased at the opportunity to be with/nearer his dad after only seeing him once every two weeks for years? As for enjoying her home life, sorry but she can eff right off. She has enjoyed having her husband and house to herself for years, stepson is the one that has missed out on time with his dad. They owe him frankly.

In my opinion, nobody HAS to put up an adult child if they don't think living with them would be manageable. Step child or otherwise.

Well fine, but OP shouldn't be surprised if her husband divorces her when she blithely assumes it will be fine to let her own kids live at home past the age of 18. Because that's fair isnt it?

@Wolfgirrl I’m well and truly being prosecuted!

Thank-you so much again ladies for validating my concerns. When the topic was raised I didn’t say ‘no way’, and nor have I said since that DSS can’t live with us. It’s about my feelings, and my concerns for the practicalities.

As I said in my first post, there is love and respect in this triad. DSS and I always stand up for each other against DH. DSS’s mum contacts me instead of DH about matters involving DSS. I’m certainly not jealous of the bond between DSS and DH and wouldn’t have married DH if I didn’t accept DSS. It doesn’t mean I’m happy not seeing my DH in the evenings because he’s watching boy films in the dark with DSS. If DH decided to go to the pub each night rather than be with me I wouldn’t be too happy either, excluding me every single night is not made ok because of DSS.

No, DH wouldn’t set any rules. He tells me now I rely on DSS too much to look after our child when he’s here. DSS says it’s not an issue. DSS might follow my rule setting but it’s hugely awkward telling a child who isn’t yours what they can and can’t do, it’s even harder telling an adult.

It doesn’t mean I’m happy not seeing my DH in the evenings because he’s watching boy films in the dark with DSS. If DH decided to go to the pub each night rather than be with me I wouldn’t be too happy either, excluding me every single night is not made ok because of DSS.

But they're not excluding you every single night. Hes only there every two weeks. Theres every chance that if he moved in, the novelty of being around his dad would wear off pretty quickly, and he will be out all day and probably some evenings with his mates, doing clubs/activities etc. If he did move in and they treated the place like a lads pad every night, he sounds mature enough that you could tell them both how you feel and things would change.

DSS might follow my rule setting but it’s hugely awkward telling a child who isn’t yours what they can and can’t do, it’s even harder telling an adult.

There are a million ways you could broach this. I think calling a family meal with just him and your husband so you can iron out the details would be a good place to start. You dont need to make a 'thing's of it, just say you thought you could chat about a routine and who will be doing what etc so the house doesnt descend into chaos.

OP you barely mentioned these worries in your original post, if at all. You said your primary concern was feeling irrationally territorial over 'your' house and essentially not wanting to share your husband and family life with him. That is why you're getting a hard time on here. Your other concerns only came into play later when you were getting flamed.

I'm signing off now as I've said all I want to say, but I will finish up by saying you are most definitely punishing your stepson for your husband's actions.

As for enjoying her home life, sorry but she can eff right off. She has enjoyed having her husband and house to herself for years, step son is the one who missed out on time with his dad. They owe him frankly.

And there we have it, the inherent bias that shows why you are so obstinately refusing to care about OPs perspective. Because she dared to "enjoy" her husband, she will forever be in her step son's debt and the more unhappy she is, the better.

In reality, of course, everybody is supposed to enjoy their time with their spouse without it being seen as an affront. Her enjoying her husband has no bearing on why her step son missed out on time with his dad, that is entirely between him and his ex, and OP has as much of a right to expect her husband to consider her feelings and opinions when making major family decisions, as anybody else.

@aSofaNearYou sadly you are wasting your time here - you raise some excellent points but the Anti Step Mother Brigade are out in force and unless the OP indulges DSS's every wish (regardless of how this works with the rest of the family) she will be anihilated

but the Anti Step Mother Brigade are out in force and unless the OP indulges DSS's every wish (regardless of how this works with the rest of the family) she will be anihilated
Hardly.
There are many threads where there's an anti stepparent bias. This isn't one of them.

The OP says he's a nice lad and they get on, he respects her etc. There's not been anything saying she's expected to cater to his every whim.

It's not normal to be so jealous of a father and son having common interests and watching movies together during fortnightly visits that you'd rather see him in thousands of pounds worth of debt than have him live with his father.

@LolaSmiles funny how you always seem to be the person coming on to say "there are lots of threads with step parent bias but this isn't one of them", whilst displaying step parent bias yourself.

It is not normal to be so jealous of a father and son having common interestests

It is not "normal" to attribute any instance in which someone doesn't enjoy being left out to them being "jealous" of a totally different type of familial relationship. It's nonsensical.

She doesn't feel left out because she is jealous, she feels left out because she isn't being included. The natural thing to do, when someone gives you no indication they plan to change certain things, is to assume they are not going to change. As such, she is very naturally concerned that if he moves in full time, their habits won't change. Something that is tolerable every other weekend is not always tolerable every day. If my partner was watching guy films and talking in an exclusive manner with his son every night full time, I would feel left out and bored, and it would have nothing to do with petty jealousy. If OPs husband is aware they tend to do it and plans to make a conscious effort to not do it all the time if/when his son moves in, then he needs to communicate this with her to put her mind at ease.

Yes I'm getting that impression too @Coffeepot72, but I can see there are a few of us all seeing the same thing here at least, so I hope OP can take something positive from that.

I agree there should be a conversation, but a university aged offspring still counts as a dependent on my mind, so living in his father’s home is an automatic yes. Excluding him could only happen if he has proven to cause problems and parents need to make very hard decisions about making the child leave the home. The discussion is about setting rules so everyone can live harmoniously.