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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not be happy with DSS living with us during university?

585 replies

Whatnowwww · 16/05/2020 15:27

DSS is off to university 2021. He is here right now during lockdown, he usually lives with his mum 2 hours away. Over breakfast DH and DSS were talking about the UCAS form, and it transpires that DSS is apparently welcome to live with us during uni; we are in London. Now don’t get me wrong, I love the kid and he’s a good boy. But I am PG and I have a 4 year old, I don’t want to either police the actions of an 18 year old but nor do I want to co habit with an 18 year old. Our house is large but it’s my childhood home, not ‘ours’ i.e. not bought with DH’s and my money but my old DF. I know they both respect me but I just feel so possessive over my home whilst at the same so guilty.
The real reason is that when DSS is here, DH and DSS have so much to talk about that I always feel left out for days on end. I know this isn’t intended and they both love me, this just happens. I fall asleep at 8pm most nights whilst they pick some action film to watch. They have more in common with each other then me and DH have in common, I can handle this is small doses but l’m dreading 3 years of this.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 16/05/2020 15:49

Yabu
he is your husbands child and your children's half brother.
I'd be furious if my husband thought this about my child.

TheTiaraManager · 16/05/2020 15:50

Is the 4 year old your DH's child? How would you feel if he didn't want that child living with you both?

Although 18 is adult moving away for Uni is very expensive & can be daunting. I can understand your DH wanting to offer that but you absolutely should have been consulted first. Have you spoken to him yet?

ShyTown · 16/05/2020 15:51

When I was at a London uni you couldn’t get halls if your parents lived inside zone 6. So it may not even be his choice to live with you! He’ll also be out a lot as a student and will probably want to move into a house share after the first year anyway. It won’t be like it is now, when all his friends are presumably close to his mum’s 2 hours away and he can’t meet them anyway due to lockdown!

Clemmieandareallybigbunfight · 16/05/2020 15:51

So you're jealous of the kid? And you resent him having a good relationship with his dad?

That's pretty nasty tbh. I would take a long hard look at yourself.

CurlyEndive · 16/05/2020 15:52

Many students live at home these days, due to cost of accommodation etc on top of uni fees. It's unreasonable to say that DSS can't live with you.

Your concerns are valid though. You need to talk to DH, explain how you're feeling and try to come up with some compromises that work for both of you. It's not fair for you to feel like a third wheel in your own home.

Mippo · 16/05/2020 15:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Floralnomad · 16/05/2020 15:52

You don’t need to police anything , you set the rules and that’s that . YABVU not wanting him to live with you he’s your husbands child and your child’s half brother and from a financial POV it makes a lot of sense for him to live with you during uni .

1forsorrow · 16/05/2020 15:54

You may find that DSS finds it decidedly uncool to be living with a (by then) 5 year old and a small baby; My son was 18 and then 20 when his youngest siblings were born, his friends loved coming round, male and female. They were wonderful with the little ones and I loved the break while they were entertaining them.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 16/05/2020 15:54

Jealous of his son. Wow mature.

VodselForDinner · 16/05/2020 15:54

If you intend to have your now 4 year old and future child leave home on the day they turn 18 and not have them live with you at any stage during, or after, third-level education, YNBU.

If that’s not the case, you’re being unreasonable, and a hypocrite.

Laburnam · 16/05/2020 15:54

I think the problem is your DH is making you feel excluded when DSS is around which makes you feel slighted disrespected and uncomfortable in your own home.
Of course it’s going to feel like a massive re adjustment if he comes to stay. Your DH needs to lay down a few ground rules so that everyone is happy and you shouldn’t have to serve on him hand and foot.

Nosuchluck · 16/05/2020 15:55

I think your DH was U not to discuss this with you first.

reginaphalangeeee · 16/05/2020 15:56

You're being massively unreasonable! Would you say no to your own child wanting to stay at home in the same situation? Would you allow your husband to say your child can't stay at home? Your husband is living with you so he should have as much say as you do, no way could I live with someone where they think they can call the shots because they lived there first, if that's the way you feel, maybe you should move somewhere where your husband can feel like it's his home too with as much rights you!

ukgift2016 · 16/05/2020 15:56

YABU. There been so many of these threads recently. It's so sad.

Bluntness100 · 16/05/2020 15:56

I think your wording around the home being yours and not your husbands is very unpleasant actually. You say it’s not “ours“ then go on to say it’s yours.

Clearly your Opinion is this is your home and your husband has no say and his child isn’t welcome

Why not inform him of your opinion and come back tell us how that goes for you?

damnthatanxiety · 16/05/2020 15:57

I am outraged for you that your DH offered your place without consulting you. You did not move a man in who had children. You moved a man in who has an adult son who didn't even live withhim when he was a teen. I can't understand why people are saying you are BU. Where does it end? When he is 35 and divorced? Will you have to accept him in your home just becasue your DH offers without even asking you?

yikesanotherbooboo · 16/05/2020 15:57

Maybe lockdown is heightening the air of claustrophobia OP? Your DSS is part of your family; a choice you made with your eyes open. You have to think about what is best for him in the same way that you do about the other children. If it's any consolation he is likely to be out with friends, glued to devices , working or sleeping in my experience so apart from some support around meals etc is not likely to impinge too much.

justtb · 16/05/2020 15:59

So you expect him to practically burn money and be broke living in extortionately priced student accommodation when he could just stay with you? Chances are he will make friends and move to a house share in second year anyway!

jimmyjammy001 · 16/05/2020 16:00

I'm sure when you first met and got married his child only came over for a few hours every so often, but unfortunately that can change and it has and you should of considered that before marrying someone who Allready has a child. As for your Husband it is his house as well now.

Ugzbugz · 16/05/2020 16:02

How would you feel if your husband felt this way about your 4 year old and baby that in due?

IcyWind · 16/05/2020 16:02

YABU

Coffeepot72 · 16/05/2020 16:04

OP, I would have been unhappy if I were in your shoes. You should have been consulted.

monkeyonthetable · 16/05/2020 16:05

Sorry, OP, YABU. If you marry a man with children then you become their step mother. His father's home is as much his as his birth mother's and he should feel as welcome there as he does with his mother, at any time until he's an established adult. And if you marry then your home be comes your DH's home. You're being unjustly territorial - it's their home.

But you have every right to establish some ground rules and ensure they don't ignore you and stay up watching films. If he lives with you, he should muck in, including helping with housework, cooking, occasionally babysitting, and your DH should be splitting childcare equally with you.

Tell your DH your concerns and tell them both what you expect. If he wants to live the full-on student life and stay up all night or leave the place in a tip, he can move into halls.

Reginabambina · 16/05/2020 16:06

You should have married someone childless if you weren’t willing to possibly share your house with your step child.

SunflowerSeedsForever · 16/05/2020 16:06

So you will be requiring your own children to leave and never come back as soon as they are 18?

A child is for life- not just for Christmas

Your DH sounds decent- you dont.