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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

348 replies

Siablue · 15/05/2020 12:41

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

OP posts:
Lostmyshityear9 · 15/05/2020 15:41

it's a fact that every single study ever conducted shows that children with two involved parents have far better outcomes than those that dont

they really don't

CayrolBaaaskin · 15/05/2020 15:43

@Homestayer - that’s not true about all studies showing poorer outcomes for children of single parents. They don’t

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 15/05/2020 15:44

No, I wouldn't judge (not my job). No, I wouldn't make assumptions about her situation. And no, I wouldn't ask who the father was (I wouldn't dream of asking that to a woman with a partner, so the same applies to a single woman).

Spillinteas · 15/05/2020 15:48

No I really wouldn’t judge her at all or ask who the babies father was.

My only concern should be that she had access to all relevant support and financial help.

it's a fact that every single study ever conducted shows that children with two involved parents have far better outcomes than those that dont

Oh maybe I should tell my dd1 who lives in Dubai with an amazing career that’s she’s not doing as good as kids that had both parents around. I raised her for 15 years by myself and I’m bloody proud of her.

Plus the study is flawed. It goes off the basis that the mother and father are happy together. We all know that if the relationship has broken down and the parents still stay together it can hugely negatively effect the children. So those studies are bollocks.

Mrsmummy90 · 15/05/2020 15:55

I would never ever consider asking who the father was! I have always considered that to be really rude.

amijustparanoidorjuststoned · 15/05/2020 16:06

No I wouldn't judge, what even is this!!

YouJustDoYou · 15/05/2020 16:08

Never ever. I have also never known a single female friend or family.member to have ever commented on negatively or judged any single female parent. I've actually never even heard another woman in my whole life ever comment negatively about it. We'll, negatively about the man maybe. But never once about the woman.

ChaiLatteWithStevia · 15/05/2020 16:12

I thought studies showed that poverty was the number one predictor of negative outcomes, and support from a loving parent was the best predictor of positive outcomes.

Or have I been deluding myself all these years.

H82Bx · 15/05/2020 16:13

No because I don't believe that is right to judge people or make assumptions about their situation which I know nothing about & or is not my business

Mixingitall · 15/05/2020 16:15

Only the small minded judge, the rest of us would never make a judgement on how someone lives their lives.

Homestayer · 15/05/2020 16:15

All the data shows two involved, cooperating parents who aren't in conflict give (on average) better outcomes.

Don't get angry with me, get angry with the world. There will always be exceptions (my mum was a single parent and I have a successful, well paid career and good qualifications). But the numbers don't lie.

I am mixed race and absentee fathers is a serious social issue for us. Why do you think we are trying to address the factors that lead to the 'baby daddy' attitude? It contributes to so many societal issues, including poor academic outcomes, criminality etc. Its a serious thing.

ChaiLatteWithStevia · 15/05/2020 16:18

No it doesn't!

I was interested in this subject 10 years ago and looked in to it.

HairyToity · 15/05/2020 16:19

No, I wouldn't judge.

Supersimkin2 · 15/05/2020 16:19

No. But I'd judge the so-called father. Can't believe people think this is all about mummy.

Homestayer · 15/05/2020 16:19

chailatte

What do you think is the number one contributing factor to parental poverty? Possibly having to pay for everything all on your own?

Money isnt the only issue, emotional resource and simple things like time spent in the care of a loving parent are hugely important. If there is only one parent on the scene, then obviously that available emotional resource and parental time is immediately halved.

Obviously if one parent isnt loving (to the child or the other parent) then the child is better off with a single parent, but that is a 'least worst' option, not an optimal outcome that should be sought after.

ChaiLatteWithStevia · 15/05/2020 16:21

Single mothers are more likely to face poverty though. It is not always easy to give your children the best opportinity at the right moment when you are trying to be the earner and the carer, but no, "all the studies" do not show that two parents are better.

Again, what they show is that poverty and stress are the issues that cause problems.

Homestayer · 15/05/2020 16:22

Chailatte

So absentee fathers have absolutely no impact on societal issues? Really?

Do tell me more... 🤔

Homestayer · 15/05/2020 16:24

Chai I think you are being deliberately obtuse.

Poverty and stress are the dominant factors it's true, but you are far more likely to be poor and stressed if you are on your own!

Temple29 · 15/05/2020 16:26

I wouldn’t judge her for getting pregnant and I know single mothers who are excellent parents who devote their lives to raising their child.

If she was a good friend I would probably ask her if the father planned on being involved rather than asking who it is.

ChaiLatteWithStevia · 15/05/2020 16:27

I know why im not as well off a married friends @Homestayer, but you're conclusions are not correct. It is not a FACT that studies have all proven that 2 married parents have children with better outcomes.

There is huge overlap but you are mistaking overlap for ipso facto.

Also, there is no study of married or cohabiting parents that can properly measure if they are genuinely happy, compatible, supportive, communicating successfully etc
They might self report that they have a good marriage but that is not the same.

ChaiLatteWithStevia · 15/05/2020 16:31

Im not being obtuse at all. You are literally ignoring thecactual findings which are that it is poverty that predicts negative outcomes and you are giving the findings your own interpretation and then calling me obtuse!!!

There areca million reasons why children do badly or do well. Every situation is unique. Mothers level of education is another indicator. There are others.

You are trying to pretend that 2 married parents is in itself what leads to more positive outcomes, and FACT, it isn't.

Homestayer · 15/05/2020 16:34

I literally never said married, that's projection. I said 'involved' parents. (Involved in the child, not neccesarliy each other)

Notverybright · 15/05/2020 16:34

I would not judge. I wouldn't want to pry but I probably would be curious, because I'm a nosey bitch Grin. I'd like to think I wouldn't ask though.

NerfectPobody · 15/05/2020 16:35

No, I wouldn't think anything of it.

Homestayer · 15/05/2020 16:35

And you're dodging my question on absentee fathers Chai

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