To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

[Siablue]

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

I would not judge at all. Depending on how close you were to me I’d aske about the father. Family member, close friend I would as it would be more natural. Colleague/ someone I know but not close to I wouldn’t.

Saying that if you were my close colleague and we worked together all day everyday i’d be more than likely to ask you then too.

So who is the father

Would you ask her who the father was
why on earth would anyone ask that?

I would judge as in I would feel sorry for her and the baby. I can't say I would care much to be honest.

It's lovely to have your prejudices about women keeping their knees together until they've walked up the aisle in a white frock confirmed by research isn't it?

This is the second time in a week that I've come across this rather back-to-front thinking.

I know it sound shocking, but had it crossed your mind that people form their opinions based on research ?

No I wouldn’t. A school friend who lives abroad posted a pic of herself with the comment “38 weeks” which was the first announcement she’d made of her pregnancy and a staggering number of people asked “who’s the dad?” I couldn’t bloody believe it. There’s no dad in the picture and the reason is private.

No, because it's none of my business.

'Studies say' - yeah my arse. Studies also say lots of things are bad for us but nobody lives their lives perfectly according to scientific studies.

I was raised by a single mother and wish people would learn to mind their own business.
You aren't entitled to a justification about why they're single or why they're happy to be pregnant.
Not everyone wants or needs a partner.

I wouldn’t judge in the slightest.

I’ll admit I’d be curious - whether it was a short relationship/fling/ONS or she used an anon donor, or was coparenting with a friend. But I wouldn’t dream of asking, it’d be none of my business whatsoever. I don’t think you can stop natural curiosity/wondering but you can damn well control whether you choose to judge or be a dick about another person’s life.

I do think parenting is ideally a two person job, but if someone has the support and resources in place to go it alone then so be it.
I was once asked if my dd was "planned" and was quite taken aback (the girl was young and didn't know me v well so I let her off), I said she most definitely was planned right up to the season. You're bringing a human being into the world. That is not a decision I would take lightly.

No of course not.

Ive no illusions though. I left my abusive x and im sure i was judged for leaving. I would have been judged for staying. Ive also, on mumsnet, been judged for having my children in the first place. Even though we are all happy and secure now and no judger knows what is around their own corner.

Im amazed by all the judging and the lack of understanding.

I don't know why anyone would judge her. Pregnancy is a natural consequence of having sex, and enough people these days think nothing of no strings attached sex. Her and other people who have sex outside of marriage are no different are they.

Why is this seen as an 'outdated' attitude, when the most up to date research confirms it to be true?

It's outdated because it stigmatises women and favours a time when they were chattels.

It's also patronising and completely lacking in compassion. People who split up or are widowed feel shit enough without smug people happily telling them their kids are going to suffer because 'studies' said so.

And actually, I'm not even sure you read these studies widely. Children suffer because they don't have a nurturing caregiver and are living in social deprivation. These factors are CORRELATED with having a single parent, they are not givens.

Plenty of children do perfectly well with one caregiver, provided they have adequate wider support and aren't living in poverty. So a single woman who's solvent and well-supported is just as likely to raise a happy, healthy child as a couple, more so if that couple is impoverished.

Seeing as you care about these children so much, I really hope that you're campaigning for better support for single parents rather than just shaking your head in disappointment at their parlous state and quoting studies at them.

Absolutely not. I try not to judge anyone’s situation which I have no knowledge of or has any impact in my life. I would be curious, but wouldn’t ask about the father unless we were close.

Me and a close friend have discussed the use of sperm donation, as it’s not always easy for everyone to find a partner or they don’t want to but would like to have a family.
I’m appalled by some of the comments...

No judgments here at all. Regardless of anyones situation it's not my business on how or why.

It's also patronising and completely lacking in compassion. People who split up or are widowed feel shit enough without smug people happily telling them their kids are going to suffer because 'studies' said so.

well, you just have to read the many threads about people complaining how hard things are, especially at the moment, when they are single.

If you want to be a single parent, it's a free country, but it does look like many parents did not exactly think that through.

On another note, you can be separated or divorced and not be a single parent, unlike what MN looks like, many kids still have a mother AND a father present.

Wow AnnelovesGilbert what a horrible response your poor friend got.

It is sad to see some of these comments. Good that a lot of people would be less phased.

No judgement but I might say something like "oh I didn't realise you were seeing someone" but that would depend on how well I knew you.

No, a pregnant person wouldn’t be enough for me to warrant a judgement, and in the unlikely circumstance I would judge, if be judging the useless father that walked out, not the women.

No I’d not judge, I’d congratulate her and hope she was keeping well.

If she was my friend I’d do everything I could to support her.

On another note, you can be separated or divorced and not be a single parent, unlike what MN looks like, many kids still have a mother AND a father present

I co-parent with my DD's dad. I am a single parent.

I'm also (fingers crossed) going to be a very single parent for a second

If she could afford the child independently, no I wouldn’t judge. I would if she got pregnant and chose to stay pregnant knowing that she couldn’t afford to raise a baby alone.

Nope, I wouldn’t. Either they’ve used a donor or they’ve separated from the baby’s Dad for whatever reason- none of it would be my business.

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her?

No why would I? Are the only ones who have the 'right' to reproduce married women? Because I think it's better to be born to a happy single mum then to a miserable but married couple that hate each other!

Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant?

No, again why would I? She is having a baby, that's something to be happy about. End of it.

Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

None of my business unless she wants to tell me!

The 1950's over

*are over

No I wouldn’t judge at all. Why does it bother people so much?

I didn’t know someone who had an actively involved in parenting x would consider themselves a single parent. I thought it meant your child only had one involved parent