To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

[Siablue]

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

No to all 3
Skips all the messy co parenting court orders business a few years down the road 😂

Everyone makes mistakes in life but getting pregnant willingly to some feckless scumbag is a very big one and it's the child that suffers and often the taxpayer that has to foot the bill.

People do need to be responsible when it comes to having kids. It's too important not to.

No I wouldn't judge at all. I think it would be rude to ask aswell. I was at a soft play area with a group of mums years ago when a mum said she was a single parent and this other mum said 'ah, does he still see his dad?' and pointed to the 4ish year old stood next to her. The mum looked upset and said he was dead 😳. I have a friend who's response would be 'no his dad just couldn't cope with responsibility'. Don't know how people can even ask, so rude.

@Bubblebee7 I have spent a lot of my working life picking up the pieces after people who would have been better to not have had dc have ended up having them.
I don't go around passing out-loud judgements on random strangers but I do believe that not all situations are in the best interests of a dc.
Not all couples should be having dc or singles either.
The dc of affairs I know personally have been profoundly damaged by their parents choices.

@Homestayer. Yes you maybe more likely to be poor and stressed if you are a single parent but thats still the lack of money and the stress causing the problems. What you need is money.

To quote my gcse science you are conflating correlation and cause.

I would also point out that just because the ideal scenario maybe 2 loving parents it doesnt mean that being a single parent is wrong or bad, or harming the child in any way. Not as good does not equal bad.

There are lots of things that disadvantage children. But that doesnt mean that its wrong to have children in the less than ideal scenario. The solution to poverty disadvantaging children is not to ban poor people from having dc

What question am I dodging !?

I can only comment on my own children's father. He is less of a negative influence on them now than when we all lived under one roof, it wasn't easy getting away but I rescued them from having that negative presence in their lives 24/7

Not sure what answer you're looking for! You have some odd ideas about single parent families I think.

What if the mother wasn’t poor? A lot of the judgments are about their financial situation. Not all single mothers are in poverty (obviously single parents are more likely to be but by no means all).

''Chailatte

So absentee fathers have absolutely no impact on societal issues? Really?

Do tell me more... 🤔''

I said absolutely nothing of the sort.

I cannot control absent fathers can I?

To answer your question no OP I wouldnt judge. I would judge a parent who fucked off out of their childs life but I wouldnt judge a single parent

I also wouldnt ask. If I am close enough to ask and they havent told me it means that they dont want me to know.

At the end of the day what good does judging do? It doesnt magic up a father for the baby.

If i had genuine concerns for the baby -bearing in mind Id have to know a lot more than just 'single and pregnant' then I would offer support to the mum (we would have to be pretty close to know the ins and outs of her life). But I have plenty of friends who are single mothers and they all do a wonderful job.

If there is only one parent on the scene, then obviously that available emotional resource and parental time is immediately halved

Absolutely. And it is something very important to me so since I have been a single parent I have worked part time to always ensure I am available when DD is here out of school hours (and obviously more so at the moment). She probably has more parental time than in a family with two full time working parents (absolutely no criticism there, I too am a working parent!)

What if the mother wasn’t poor?

People don't like to believe we exist

Is this the same one who got pregnant by the affair with the married man?

@Siablue in cases like that, I think the child has a good start in life.

I struggled financially to begin with, but because I consciously made choices that would not disadvantage us in the long term and went without things that would only benefit us in the short term, we are ok now. I left early though, DC were young.

A good friend of mine, when she left her xh, she returned to very comfortably off parents and she and her child have a very good relationship with lots of financial and practical support.

My own parents were married and managed to do such a poor job of parenting me that when I met an abusive man 20 years ago, I felt 'ah this is familiar'. I have worked my way through that, out the other side, but married parents aren't just two people to love the child, their relationship, their dynamic dictates the atmosphere in the house. And if that relationship isn't completely healthy, respectful, affectionate, equal and free from fear, resentment and stress, then children are exposed to constant discomfort and tension that they wouldn't experience if there was one adult in their house. The dynamic between two parents is such an influence on children.

Not claiming that being a single parent is the ideal, but it is not necessarily bad either.

Theowl that's like saying that smoking doesn't cause death, lung cancer does. It's the smoking that gives you the lung cancer

In the same way, it's being poor and stressed that has the major negative impact on children, but its being a single parent that usually causes the poverty and stress

Not everyone who smokes gets lung cancer, but most do. Not every single parent is poor and stressed, but most are poorer and more stressed than they would be if they had help.

This obviously isn't me saying that people should stay in abusive or unhappy relationships 'for the children', of course those kind of environments are toxic for children. But the idea that choosing to be a single parent if there are other non toxic options means your child will have no disadvantages is (in the majority of cases) just deluded.

Even setting aside financial considerations, two parents who are involved and care for the child (even if they are separated) can by definition give double the love and emotional support that one can.

Just seen update. I wouldn't judge if I didn't know the facts and I certainly wouldn't ask. I would be hopeful it had been planned or at least if a mistake then the father had involvement.

*And actually, I'm not even sure you read these studies widely. Children suffer because they don't have a nurturing caregiver and are living in social deprivation. These factors are CORRELATED with having a single parent, they are not givens.

Plenty of children do perfectly well with one caregiver, provided they have adequate wider support and aren't living in poverty. So a single woman who's solvent and well-supported is just as likely to raise a happy, healthy child as a couple, more so if that couple is impoverished.

Seeing as you care about these children so much, I really hope that you're campaigning for better support for single parents rather than just shaking your head in disappointment at their parlous state and quoting studies at them Well said @opticaldelusion*!

I am a single parent to two sons, both have different father, one I was with for 7 years, one for 4 years, both cheated on me. I have worked so hard to gain two degrees, make sure I am employable by improving continuously at work, reflect on my parenting and apologies to my children if I feel I have not reacted well to something. Of course it is hard work, and financially I may have been better off in a partnership, but I am so blessed to be their mother, and proud of what I have achieved having left the relationships. I have been single for 3 years and have no plans to get into another relationship as I don't believe that would be good for us just now. I worry about being judged all the time though, judgement I feel sometimes ensures single parents are do not reach their potential. The relationships are encouraged by governments as historically this has increased tax payments, marriages were of course a financial agreement and to ensure any children belonged to the husband by bringing utter shame on woman who left or had children outwith marriage.

I was pregnant and single and i was judged by my colleagues, some friends, some aquaintances and by mums at baby groups. Even a man in the queue at the petshop when talking to the cashier said that single mums were on drugs ( cannot stand the tjings).
The happily married do feel they are morally superior. Some of said judgers are now divorced...ho hum...

It would depend on circumstances.
If the mother to be already had five children by several different men , lived in overcrowded housing, living off universal credit and was barely coping with the children she already had then yes I would judge.
First or even second child, decent housing, solvent, employed and in a position to look after the coming child then no.

Firtree being a single parent means you are (amongst other things) less likely to work full time and that you by definition have more financial outgoings.

Those are direct, causal factors of being socially deprived.

People are taking these very simple points far to personally and projecting their own situations and insecurities onto the answers.

This isn't really even a debate, its basic sociology ffs.

People are taking these very simple points far to personally and projecting their own situations and insecurities onto the answers

No, they're simply explaining why stats are a very blunt instrument and aren't a reason to judge people on their status without considering their circumstances. That would be eminently foolish, I'm sure you agree.

I wouldn’t judge you at all, but if I knew you were single I would be secretly curious.

Why did you swear @Homestayer?

Having children, whether in a relationship or not, in general means you are more likely to work PT, this is prevalent in my workplace. Being a single parent does not necessarily mean you work in isolation, we have other family and of course the children's father (although this can't always happen if he is unsafe). A support network is key, you do not be in a relationship to have one of those.

Marie I don't judge someone solely for being a single parent, my mum was one.

I do judge women who have 3-4+ children by different fathers and seem to have no concerns with getting repeatedly pregnant to criminals and deadbeats who are obviously not going to be good fathers.

I also judge equally poorly men who get women pregnant and have no intention of helping or supporting in any way, and even sometimes take a point of pride in how many kids they have put in various 'baby mommas'.

Of course a person has a duty to leave an abusive situation, or to not just stay in a miserable relationship 'for the children'.

firtree I was frustrated with the general level of obtuseness of a number of posters, not specifically you.

I apologise.

Homestayer

I wasn’t necessarily meaning you, but at least two people on this thread have said “yeah I would judge cos stats” which of course is rather silly!