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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

348 replies

Siablue · 15/05/2020 12:41

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

OP posts:
Confusedaboutthis01 · 15/05/2020 13:53

My close friend had a baby through IVF and a sperm donor, she earns very good money and have a wonderful close supportive family. She had bad luck with ass hole ex partners who would be far more damaging to her child than her raising a baby alone (and very successfully). My other friend unexpectedly fell pregnant and is a high flyer in the business world. She’s doing a fab job as a single mother and again has a wonderful support network. I, myself, split with the father of my child when pregnant and and happier than ever right now and so is my DD. She still sees her dad and they get on great, had we stayed together we would’ve both been very unhappy and that would’ve been a much worse outcome for DD. Anyone with a shred of emotional intelligence will understand that one great parent is better than two unhappy ones.

sqirrelfriends · 15/05/2020 13:53

No, there's nothing to judge really, everyone knows how babies happen and it would be a bit hypocritical of me to judge someone for having sex before marriage Blush. I would probably be curious who the father was but wouldn't ask unless I was particularly close to her.

ElectricTonight · 15/05/2020 13:53

No I wouldn't judge her. If I wasn't close with the woman then I wouldn't ask who the father is because I wouldn't know him anyway.

MarieQueenofScots · 15/05/2020 13:55

I didn’t know someone who had an actively involved in parenting x would consider themselves a single parent. I thought it meant your child only had one involved parent

That would be a lone parent

myangelalex · 15/05/2020 13:55

No. Not at all

FOJN · 15/05/2020 13:56

Why are people upset about research? Of course it doesn't (and can't) reflect the experience of everyone. The data doesn't have an opinion or make judgements, its just statistics. Find the research and critique it but don't complain the findings are outdated because you don't like them. Anecdote is not the same as data.

OneandTwenty · 15/05/2020 13:57

I didn’t know someone who had an actively involved in parenting x would consider themselves a single parent.

I know at least one widow who gets really offended if you call her a single mum!

PumpkinP · 15/05/2020 14:01

I didn’t know someone who had an actively involved in parenting x would consider themselves a single parent. I thought it meant your child only had one involved parent

A single parent literally means you are single and a parent, what else would you call them?

My ex is absent and has no involvement at all so I prefer to be called a lone parent rather than single parent.

PinkiOcelot · 15/05/2020 14:02

No I wouldn’t. Why would I?

Itisbetter · 15/05/2020 14:09

A single parent literally means you are single and a parent, what else would you call them?
Well mostly their nameConfused. If they were divorced, “divorced”, likewise “widowed” the “single” in my mind related to how many parents there were not if they were “available”.

Crystal87 · 15/05/2020 14:11

No I wouldn't judge her. I've been there myself and the questions from my colleagues asking if I was really sure I knew who the dad was, were tedious. Also been told by an elderly woman in the street that I was disgusting for getting pregnant at 14. I was actually 20. So unfortunately there are people who judge.
There are women who have one night stands and short relationships, women who leave partners or are left during pregnancy and women who go to sperm donors. But that's their business and I couldn't really care that much about someone else's circumstances.

MarieQueenofScots · 15/05/2020 14:13

The usual definition of single parent: -

"a person bringing up a child or children without a partner"

Of course the other point would be I think it is important to be led by the person themselves as to what they wish to be defined as!

PumpkinP · 15/05/2020 14:16

Well mostly their nameconfused. If they were divorced, “divorced”, likewise “widowed” the “single” in my mind related to how many parents there were not if they were “available”.

and if they had not been married Hmm or widowed? Hmm

Lostmyshityear9 · 15/05/2020 14:19

I have been single for over 10 years now, previously married, all children the same father. My experience is such that people do judge and frequently do it out loud with absolutely no filter whatsoever. Questions/assumptions that have been made about me include: questions about whether I was ever married, questions as to why my surname is different to my children's (which is quite personal - I assume it's something my children have said in school and has been repeated at home), questions about how you afford things (never dare to have anything decent or live in a nice area as a single parent) including blatant 'how can you afford that?', questions about whether the children have the same father (I have the same child 3 times, it is bloody obvious they have the same father), I have had my parenting decisions questioned (why I work/do I work/why do I leave them in both breakfast and afterschool club), references made to 'single parents on benefits...oh I didn't mean you' and then that silence you are expected to fill, justifying your existence, surprised expressed that I have a degree or that I could possibly do a professional job, husbands dragged away from a conversation with me in the school playground (middle aged, very over weight, they're not interested in me)...and so on and so on.

So don't believe anything you read here, people judge massively and if you happen to get into a conversation with one of the Mrs Judgey Pants, she will have no hesitation whatsoever in asking you blunt questions. My response is now 'would you have asked me that if I had a ring on my finger' which means on the very rare ocassions I am in the school playground, I am ignored! Suits me fine!

Know who your friends are and don't hesitate to get rid of those who show themselves to be judgemental down the line.

PumpkinP · 15/05/2020 14:26

Sadly I agree with you Lostmyshityear9 I definitely notice the judgement and I’m certainly looked down on, I feel even more so because my ex isn’t on the scene so I get judged a lot more than people who have an involved ex. I’ve also been asked if my children have the same father, even though they are all identical, and do have it’s usually assumed that they don’t.

Bubblebee7 · 15/05/2020 14:31

No I wouldn’t.

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/05/2020 14:35

Hmm are you the same person who posted about, a woman having a baby with a married man. Only under a different name.

SkySmiler · 15/05/2020 14:41

No

vodkaredbullgirl · 15/05/2020 14:45

No judging from me.

RainMustFall · 15/05/2020 14:49

No I wouldn't judge but I would feel sad that the child won't have what I had which was the most amazing father and my life would have been imaginable without him.

On the other hand reading the horror stories on here about some men, I guess he was a one off.

stanley10 · 15/05/2020 14:53

No way! Why would you? Maybe she decided to do it on her own, maybe it just ended up that way due to circumstance. Either way it would be none of my business and I wouldn’t ask and certainly wouldn’t judge.

schafernaker · 15/05/2020 14:54

Exactly what @Vellum said 👏🏻 None of the factors are any of your business unless the parents want to tell you!

Late 20’s Happily married, home owning, stable jobs (even in the current environment) and we’ve been asked with both of our DC if they were planned 🤦🏻‍♀️.

As others have said it could well have been a choice to use a sperm donor in the situation you are asking about. I have a colleague who has 2 children via sperm donor and they are the happiest of families

Itisbetter · 15/05/2020 14:54

and if they had not been married hmm or widowed? I’ve got no idea. I honesty can’t think of a time it’s come up. As I said generally I just call people by their names rather than their relationship status.

stanley10 · 15/05/2020 14:54

I can’t believe the number of judgemental arseholes who have said these things to pps on this thread. You’d think we were living in the 19th century. People need to get a life.

Original poster
Siablue · 15/05/2020 14:56

No I am not the OP of the pregnant as a result of an affair thread, but I do think that it is interesting the difference in responses.

Some people would judge you no matter what and some people would be judge you more in certain circumstances.

OP posts:
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