To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

[Siablue]

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

No, of course I wouldn't judge! I'd wish her well and if I knew her I'd offer support.

People will always judge sadly, as evidenced on this thread. I'm not a single mum but I became pregnant with DD fairly soon after moving in with DP. We were actually together a couple of years but had lived abroad for most of that time and kept the relationship fairly low key.

Anyway, I was most definitely judged! Despite being happy about the pregnancy, in my 30's, educated to master's level, financially secure etc. etc. I got some very rude comments.

The most disappointing source of judgment was my sister. She was outwardly very supportive and never once said anything negative while I was pregnant, and is what I would have considered a very open minded person. However, one night when DD1 was about two (so I had thought any judgement would have long passed) I complained about DP in a lighthearted manner, I can't even remember what I was actually complaining about but it really was lighthearted. She'd had a considerable amount of wine and just said in a really nasty way "what do you expect when you had a baby with someone you barely knew?" I was so floored. For a start, by the time DD was born I'd known him more than 4 years so he was hardly a stranger, but regardless the judgment was so unnecessary and so harsh. I argued back but she kept insisting I "barely knew him" until I left in tears (I am NOT a crier).

I'll never know what got into her and she never apologized. I imagine she was mortified the next day so tried to pretend it never happened, but our relationship will never be quite the same. If my own sister, who I was always very close to, can judge like that I can only imagine what other people said/thought.

We're still not married and have had another DC and I know that drives people batty too! I've been asked more times than I can count when we're going to get married. Suffice to say I can only imagine the judgment single mums get. Horrendous.

I wouldn't judge. I've had plenty of people judge me because I was once in that position, even though it was 20 years ago now. My ex's OW said only last year it was proof of how I was weird and couldn't keep a man (she was hardly in any position to comment though).

And by the same token hanna I personally would never have a child if I was concerned about my ability to parent independently.

Thank you @ChaiLatteWithStevia but I don't feel I need to justify it. I wanted a baby, I was equipped to do so, so I did. Also agree re benefits. I wasn't, but I was still assumed to be by some people, cos naturally all single parents get pregnant for the handouts, and received the judgement that went with it. And I had quite a bit of fun at their expense. It always made me laugh that someone that didn't work thought they were in a position to judge single mothers that got benefits.

I was pregnant and single and actually didn’t mind people asking about the father. It’s almost like you can’t ask because it’s rude ie because it’s something to be ashamed of. I wasn’t ashamed of my situation it is was it is so why would I be bothered about telling people the basics if they asked?

@TrainspottingWelsh
The reason I even mentioned it is that the only thing I’ve really said myself all thread is that I would not choose that path purposely.

So I didn’t understand what you were trying to say to me unless it was that you planned and chose that path yourself and for your own children thought I was wrong for not wanting personally to do so.

I don’t actually have any doubts about my own abilities to parent with someone else alone.

hanna I couldn't care less about the makeup of other people's families because it doesn't have any bearing on their ability to parent. I just don't understand why anyone believes that conforming to a traditional family unit is somehow the ideal.

If you don't have any doubts about your ability to parent just as well on your own then why is it something you'd never choose?

No been there done that

No I wouldn't budge someone else's choices, but it's also something I've always known I wouldn't want for myself or my child. So if DH dies or becomes a feckless arsehole DS and I obviously will cope and be fine, I did spend my younger years being meticulously careful about contraception and if I'd fallen pregnant after a ONS etc I wouldn't have continued the pregnancy, if I'd not met anyone I wanted to have children with its also not something I would've pursued alone via donation etc, although I could afford to.

Judge

Oh and it's nothing to do with doubts about my ability, I'm awesome. I wanted to have a child with DH, not just to have a child

I wouldn't judge unless I knew the full situation.

I have a woman on facebook whose planned a baby with her partner when they were together for 3 months. She now repeatedly complains how she doesn't know if they are right together and how she's unsure if she should keep the baby as her DP no longer seems interested.
There's generally a daily post asking for advice where she then argues with anyone and puts on excuses about why she can't follow the advice she's asked for.

I judge her, not for being a soon to be single mum but for generally being an idiot.

I wouldn't judge someone who created a baby then left a toxic situation or who decided they wanted a baby on their own.

Some people's logic is pretty flawed. 'I wouldn't do it myself, therefore nobody should do it.

'I wouldn't do it myself, because it is known to be detrimental to the wellbeing of DC therefore nobody should do it'

There, fixed that for you.

NikeDeLaSwoosh

Please cite your sources; would appreciate the study that makes ONLY reference to single parenthood and not other factors.

Vellum, can you site any of these multiple studies you say provide overwhelming evidence that single parentdom is always and necessarily the inferior model?

Nike. You too. I have cited Susan Golombok to back up my views. What about you?

All kinds of relevant studies available from unbiased sources. Just a few:

www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2003-01/l-sca012203.php

Mortality Among Lone Mothers in Sweden: A Population Study
pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/10770303/

Increased suicide risk of children with absent parents (Studies are cites in the article)
www.webmd.com/baby/news/20030123/absent-parent-doubles-child-suicide-risk

Impact of school performance on children with absent fathers
www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/co-parenting-after-divorce/201205/father-absence-father-deficit-father-hunger

From the first article above:

“After adjustment for confounding factors such as socioeconomic status and parents' addiction or mental disease, children in single-parent households were twice as likely to have psychiatric disease compared with those in two-parent households; relative risks of suicide attempt and for alcohol-related disease were also doubled. The risk of childhood narcotic abuse was increased threefold among girls and fourfold among boys living in single-parent households.”

Parenting is also down to somebody’s support network. Every case varies.

@bumblebee7

I agree with you and no doubt that “studies” aren’t indicative of every families’s reality!

Terrible spelling! Sorry!

Interesting that none of those studies are particularly recent. Just doing dinner (no, my child doesn’t have to forage for herself whilst I drink myself to oblivion to get over my single status ) but will pull out some of the more recent studies into the subject. They’re really worth a read.

No of course not.

Proud product of a single mum and doing pretty well, I'd say, despite the statistics that say I should be suicidal or in prison etc.
There is one woman I have on SM who has two DC's, one with very serious health conditions and disabilities, moved away from an abusive ex and lives in the middle of nowhere with no family support. Doesn't work and writes openly about how hard her life is. She announced her pregnancy at Christmas and is writing about how happy she is and excited to meet her new baby. I won't ever judge her but I do wonder how she isn't terrified of how much harder her life is going to become as a single parent to three kids with no help. I would find it very hard to feel joyful about the future but again, I'm not her. I'm sure she's a lot stronger than me.