To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

[Siablue]

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

@HannaYeah - do you think it was better than you were brought up in a single parent family than in an unhappy relationship? My parents were married and together for most of my life but they were angry and miserable because they hated each other. They did eventually break up and things were much better.

I like being a single parent and we have a happy family (and dds have a good relationship with their father). Would it be better if we could all happily liv together and we had a great huge extended family who lived locally? Possibly but that’s not our family. We broke up because we were unhappy together and we are fine apart.

The choice is generally not a happy loving couple v single parent. It’s an unhappy couple home v a (hopefully) happier single parent.

I’m curious how all the people posting about a child’s need for a father feel about same-sex couples having children? Non-traditional families are everywhere now, a child growing up in one isn’t going to feel like they stick out in the way they would have in the past.

Some of the people judging will end up as single parents anyway.

@CayrolBaaaskin

I absolutely agree with you. We are on the same page.

I don’t think anyone should stay in a miserable or abusive marriage.

No I wouldn't judge. I’d only ask who the father was if she was a friend

AlltheLemurs

**Some of the people judging will end up as single parents anyway.

Exactly I’m not sure why some people think they are exempt.

@Homestayer *
As I have already caveated, these points are only true if the second parent is not abusive. Obviously the downsides of living in an abusive house outweight all of this and in that situation a child is better off with a single parent. However that is very much a 'least worst' solution and not one that should be actively sought after unless there is no other choice*

You are entitled to your opinion of course, and of course you won't care what some stranger on the Internet says, but my heart dropped reading that paragraph. No one, man or woman, children or none, should consider leaving a bad or abusive relationship where they are unhappy as a worst case last scenario due to he guilt society places on them through the judgement of others.

As the child of a single parent, I am surprised at your stance on this.

@AlltheLemurs this is true.

Just thinking about this some more, I'm sure some people who know me and like me are a bit sad for me that I never met anybody else after I left my xh. It's been 14 years now.

I know there is a template, 2 parents, mom dad two point 4 kids white fence dog that so many single parents feel pressure to conform to, to ''fix'' the seeming anomaly that is one adult parent on their own with their children, so they try and fix it in the wrong way, not by focusing on themself but by cutting and pasting somebody in to the father / husband shaped hole to make it in to the shape of a ''family'' again.

So many women would be absolutely fine on their own if it weren't for that pressure and judgement. Judgement for being a single parent. Pity for not having met somebody. Or just marginalisation (when your single friends are just left off the weekend invites)

The judgers are such a large part of what they see as 'the problem'

I wouldn't judge if she worked and had money to support the child. I would judge if she were having the child whilst on benefits.

ChaiLatteWithStevia

That’s such a good post. I’m quite vociferous about this on other posts but singledom should be seen as an active choice, not just a passive state one falls into and desperately wants out of!

Yes, completely agree!

I think i have it good! I'm 50. job I like, house small but 100% mine, teens good kids, pension, friends, hobbies. I only feel enthusiasm for the future.

@ChaiLatteWithStevia and @MarieQueenofScots, what great, thought provoking posts. Thank you.

@Expat30 then perhaps you only marginalise the poor and not single parents? Deprivation has many causes, not least the macro structures in place in society. How would you even know they are poor, would you assume this as default when seeing a pregnant woman without a wedding ring?

No I wouldn't judge by first glance but if I knew that she was on benefits I would see that as a highly irresponsible choice. My ex husband and I have twin girls and are divorced. And I work hard so I can provide everything they need, even though he contributes I like to know I can cover everything without his contribution. And this is why even though I feel broody at times I wouldn't have more yet even though I am remarried. Because regardless if my partner could provide, I want to know that I alone can cover the cost for all of my children. This is just my mentality though.

I'm single and I do think people can be judgemental when you tell them you're pregnant. When I told people, the first thing many people said was "planned?" (Although, I think many people say this even if a woman is married, financially stable and has a good job, home & career). Some people are just nosey.

One colleague asked lots of questions, including "so, was this a one night stand or a f*ck-buddy gone wrong?"

Agree 100% with @AlltheLemurs: Some of the people judging will end up as single parents anyway.

@HannaYeah I don't need to find you an example that bucks your stereotype. I was that single parent, and if I hadn't met dp, still would be. I was also, shock horror a young single parent. Sorry for not conforming to your preconceived idea. You wouldn't be the first taken by surprise that a single parent can provide and raise a child as well, and in many cases better, than a couple.

Meeting dp made zero difference to either of our budgets or parenting abilities.

I'm also sorry that you can't see beyond your own experience. My parents were happily married and ticked every box for being ideal parents. Suffice to say my childhood was hell. Yet it doesn't cross my mind to assume my experience is representative or that the dc of outwardly similar parents have the same feelings I did.

As for role models, single mothers are statistically far more likely to work than those raising dc as a couple. And ime far less likely to conform to gender roles at home. And regardless of income, I'd say that's a far better influence than a mother that doesn't work and relies on a man to provide, with any division of labour clearly defined as women's work and jobs for a man.

Agree with pp's about the difficulty and enjoyment. Because some would be incapable and unhappy without hubby at their side it doesn't mean everyone feels the same way.

The 'ideal world' scenario of a second parent is bullshit. Four grandparents, an extended family of aunts, uncles and cousins, all healthy and active might also add something to a child's life. So anyone without siblings and both parents alive and healthy shouldn't have dc either. Oh, and as active grandparents are the ideal, most older parents are also ruled out.

Being white, British and financially comfortable also statistically leads to better outcomes, so anyone not meeting those criteria shouldn't have dc either.

Independent education also statistically provides a better outcome, so only those able to provide it should reproduce.

The mothers level of education is also a big factor in outcomes, so ideally only those educated to at least degree level should have dc.

Wealth would also improve childhood experiences, so only those capable of providing a very privileged upbringing should 'ideally' have children.

And a mother married to the father is no different to any of those other unnecessary ideals.

@Expat30 do you feel the same about all mothers that don't work or just the single parents? Because I don't see any difference. Except for the fact single parents of school age dc don't get benefits to stay at home, and it's far more justifiable for a single parent to struggle to find and manage work than it is for the unemployed spouse in a couple.

@trainspottingWelsh I'm talking about a couple or a woman who actively decides to have a baby knowing she won't be able to support it.

@Trainspotting

Did you intentionally get pregnant so that you could raise a child on your own?

I’m sorry @TrainspottingWelsh
I realized after I hit post that my question was really rude.

The only point I want to make is that I personally would not intentionally bring a child into this world alone.

That’s all.

Yes and no Hanna. Dd was planned mutually within a relationship. However I was very aware that he was unlikely to be an involved father or in dd's life. But tbh if I hadn't met dp there's every possibility I would have had a second via sperm donor. Why do you ask?

@Expat30 fair enough if you mean every mother that can't independently support a child. Personally I don't think there is anything wrong with a mother that needs the joint income of the other parent, or the child maintenance to fully support a child, but I can't really argue with your view because it applies to all mothers, not just single.

Yes, I remember being judged for being on lone parent allowance when my DC were tiny by mothers who could NOT have funded a household /paid for childcare on their own. And yet, these women judged me! I know a family is a team etc, know that. But it did seem ironic that they didn't think, hang on, don't women put themselves in a very vulnerable position when they have children, given that they tend to earn less, and then, that disadvantage is compounded further with a second or third child!

I don't think @TrainspottingWelsh needs to justify any choice to anybody.

The continuation of the species if you like falls mostly to women. The financial sacrifices of parenthood are nearly always more for mothers than for fathers. The practicalities, the emotional burdens, the impact on freedom, they all impact on women more. Women as a group are carrying society more than is fair. Women are just supposed to put up with everything the way it is. Society should support women/mothers more than it does but it is structure in a way that encourages this dependence on men who can (and often do) opt out. So I don;t judge or blame women who decide from the outset to go it alone. Not one tiny bit. They might need some state support when their child is small but it's unlikely they will never work again.

Nope - I’ve been there, done that, got the T shirt!

I’d have words of encouragement for her! It’s bloody hard being a single parent with so much judgement around.

My mum was a single mum. Her multi-millionaire partner moved to America and cut contact when she was 5 months pregnant with his child. I would never ever judge.