To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

[Siablue]

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

The internet also has a search feature. You can search for word you don’t know and find the meaning

I’m not interested in its meaning. It was a statement of fact.

I have no issue conversing with you. If you want to stop feel free 🤷‍♀️

Not everyone wants a man
But most kids want a father. Many kids will end up without a father and some without a mother and will turn out fine or very well, but going about to have a child depriving them if a father by choice is a very selfish thing to do and in my view doesn't make of a good mother in the first place.

No way ! I'm a single parent too and that would be very hypocritical of me. Not only that ! I would not judge at all. However, I am not going to lie, I do judge my friends (and other people) who are in shitty relationships and have kid after kid with useless men who do not take care of their DC, leave the mum to do all the work, who are abusive and just take the piss. I do judge those parents!

that comment from me was taken a bit out of context as I was goaded into answering the question

I truly don’t discuss any of this with people, and have always been supportive of all of the choices my friends and family have made with respect to children. That includes those that are childfree, adoption, IVF, etc. If someone asked my opinion I would give it, but never in judgement nor unsolicited

Ah, so you have no adopted children, is that right? You support adoption over giving birth for other women, just not yourself.

Have I understood your position correctly ?

You’re right 0dette. Got me all figured out.

Of course I'd judge! If I was a sexist 1950s throwback

Nope I wouldn't judge. Wouldn't even occur to me to pass judgement at all tbh.

You’re right 0dette. Got me all figured out

You know @HannaYeah, I hear people in RL and all over MN going on about how easy and great adoption is. How people should try it instead of procreating in the usual way or though assisted conception.

People struggling with infertility are sick of hearing other ( non adoptive) parents tell them to adopt because it’s so much easier and cheaper. And implying they are Morally wrong to want to be pregnant and give birth just like everyone else.

I always ask these Pro Adoption Judgers how many children they have adopted and without fail, like you, they say “ none “.

Same as the people who harshly judge people for not adopting relatives children. Or those who don’t feel able to adopt a disabled child. or those who want to adopt young child and not a 5 year old.

The internet is full of people l saying “ oh I’d adopt them in a heartbeat “.

Of course none of them every do. They are too busy judging.

@NikeDeLaSwoosh What does the research actually say? Could it be tad two parents have more financial resources, child gets more adult involvement, and feels included in our heteronormative culture? Maybe two bio parents and marriage have no magic properties after all. Supportive relatives and other safety net could flatten the difference. Society stigmatize single parents and their children, and then we act surprised that these children have confidence issues. Self-fulfilling prophecy. If you really care for children as you say you do, stop sitting in a box and make society more welcoming, loving and accepting towards all of them, with father or without.

Individual man and woman pair as child rearing unit is not some universal golden standard, but fairly recent invention. It's unnaturally hard job even for two, so no reason to be smug. We need a village.

Here’s the thing 0dette, I’d love to exchange ideas and information with you, I actually think that’s the best, highest use of Internet forums.

The problem is, when someone comes at me trying to prove I’m wrong or that I meant something a certain way that I most surely didn’t, I throw in the towel. I don’t bother with people that set up questions with the obvious intent to prove to themselves that I am whatever bad thing they already decided. They are right and I am wrong (when we likely aren’t even on opposite sides.)

So many people in the world are isolated, sad, struggling and stressed right now. It shows in the way they come looking for a fight and are hell-bent on having it with the first person they come across that seems ripe for it. I just am not interested.

So you are right, you can cast me as one of those judgmental stupid people you describe. I don’t know you and never will. It doesn’t do me any harm. I know who I am, my own experiences and opinions. If it gets you what you need today to think and write bad things about me, it’s ok by me.

P.S. In societies where biofather does not have a lot of involvement in childs life and child is part of mothers family, there is no concept of "bastard" and all that comes with it. Just saying.

So many people in the world are isolated, sad, struggling and stressed right now

I’m honestly sorry you’re feeling that way. I can’t pretend to understand, I’m actually pretty much enjoying lockdown with my daughter. I don’t have any worries/stress other than the need to adhere to social distancing which I don’t feel is a big ask for me. That’s why I’ve got the time to consider my plans for after this is over, it’s certainly given me the time to think seriously about what’s important.

I wish you well.

I said in my post earlier I wasn’t judged.

I think many made assumptions that I was on benefits questioned how I could go on holidays etc. I received a very generous redundancy and the ex had always paid maintenance a high amount as he is a high earner

To be honest some seemed disappointed I wasn’t struggling financially or with ds and was happy (he was an easy baby)

To be a happy single mum makes some feel inadequate

To be a happy single mum makes some feel inadequate

This

I would judge, yes. I don’t think it’s right having a baby when you’re not married let alone if you’re single.

😂 Why?

To be a happy single mum makes some feel inadequate

Really insightful post, thank you.

I wouldn't judge but people judged me for doing it! People writing on my Facebook wall 'who is the Dad?'. One person asked if her ex was the father (I barely knew him!). An older family friend asked me if it was planned! I wasn't very polite!

Sorry to hear you are so down and depressed @HannaYeah. There are lots of good links on the mental health threads, please check them out.

There are also helplines you can call. The Samaritans are always open too. You call call free on 116 123.

Can I also remind you that GPs are still open, they are doing phone consultations. Many people think they don’t want to burden the NHS at this this time but it’s important to ask for help when you need it.

Please reach out and ask for help, you don’t need to suffer alone.

Hope you feel better soon.

RuLu that is batshit! Asked you if her ex was your child’s father?!

Some people on SM are a delight. My brother recently died and someone asked right on his FB page what happened. Another replied “I’ve messaged you.”

No I wouldn't not at all. Women want babies, doesn't even matter who the father is tbh as long as the mother can love, provide and care for the baby.

Wouldn't bat an eyelid as none of my business. I wouldn't even ask who the father was. I had enough people asking me why I could not have birth children when we adopted our son to know what that feels like.

In fact, I’m not sure you are really different posters

Feel free to ask HQ to confirm. Or a quick A/S would resolve that one for you.

I think it's hard to say as does depend on the circumstances
But generally speaking no and if someone doesn't have an obvious partner I wouldn't dream of asking who the dad was (maybe if it was my daughter ) a close friend would tell you if they wanted and if they don't that would be their business.
But if it didn't affect me then not really my business

I don't judge single mothers, but absentee dads who chose not to be involved in their children's lives - I judge them very harshly.