To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

[Siablue]

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

Definitely not. I wouldn't judge and I wouldn't ask invasive questions which are none of my business.

I wouldn't judge. I might ask who the dad is. It depends on my relationship with her.

I'd judge more a woman having a baby with her cheating husband that she's taken back.

No

And I don’t feel I was judged

I did get quite a lot of patronizing you are so brave remarks

I was having a baby not climbing Mount Everest alone

@HannaYeah as a mother raising her child alone not through choice I agree . I too don't understand why someone would want to deliberately have a baby alone . There is barely anything positive about raising a child alone even if the father is involved no matter how we like to console ourselves

No. Men are sometimes little more than thrir dicks.

There is barely anything positive about raising a child alone even if the father is involved no matter how we like to console ourselves

I’m sorry you’ve had a bad time of it. But you must appreciate not everyone feels like that!

Trainspotting I think you are trying to wish some unpleasant but very real issues away.

Of course if you adjusted for every single financial and social variable in a study of single parent outcomes (if it were possible to do that) you would probably find that the disadvantages associated with having a single parent might reduce.

But the entire point is that you can't separate one from the other because being a single parent in the first place is one of the primary causes of financial difficulty! They are directly casually linked. Single parents are far more likely to have a lower socio economic position that a couple would have. That's just a fact.

Even if you can find me an example of a single parent who is better off financially than an average couple, it's easy to make a strong argument that their child would still probably have a better chance in life if there was a second, loving parent around because the child would receive more emotional resource, love and attention.

There is also the issue of role modelling and the importance of positive male role models for boys in their formative years.

As I have already caveated, these points are only true if the second parent is not abusive. Obviously the downsides of living in an abusive house outweight all of this and in that situation a child is better off with a single parent. However that is very much a 'least worst' solution and not one that should be actively sought after unless there is no other choice.

Even if you can find me an example of a single parent who is better off financially than an average couple, it's easy to make a strong argument that their child would still probably have a better chance in life if there was a second, loving parent around because the child would receive more emotional resource, love and attention

I said earlier, I work part time. I am there 100% after school. My daughter in all likelihood gets more parental time than a family with two working parents.

A positive male role model (and indeed a positive female role model) doesn’t need to be a parental figure.

This was really my point earlier to those who were saying “yes I would judge because stats”, when in reality every situation should be judged (if you really feel you have to....) on its own merits!

If she was a mature adult with a home & could both financially & emotionally support this decision by herself, then no I would not.
And infact, I did not, when I met a woman exactly in this position.
(In fact, she was in her mid thirties, good career, nice home & car, decent, solid member of the community. Turns out she to have a baby alone. Great mum!)

If it were someone who had no home, no job, no money, couldn’t drive and had not reached reasonable adult maturity....then yes, I do judge as the irresponsibility makes me so angry.

Homestayer so even if a single parent earns more on their own than some couple families then they still can’t win because if they had a partner they could have more.

The fact is people have a lot of different situations and some are better than others to raise a child. Whether there is one parent or two is only one possible variable. You need to look at the situation as a whole.

Anyway so many 2 parent families split up that you can say that a child born into a two parent family is necessarily going to be better off. Perhaps you should be worrying about the posters who are saying I know I couldn’t cope as a single mum. What would they do if they became one?

I am a single parent. I know my child is better off than a lot of children who have 2 parent families. I don’t judge them for having a child. You don’t need to be perfect to be a parent.

I would only judge if she'd told me at some point that she'd only dated the guy for the purpose of getting pregnant and lied about contraception/being infertile and then pretended the pregnancy was an accident.

Otherwise no.

@skyblu I can't drive. What does being able to drive have to do with parenting?

I'm going to be honest and say yes I judge all kinds if people! But I generally keep my thoughts to myself, I would never ever let the person know my negative thoughts and I don't let it affect how I treat those people.

Just because people have made different choices to me doesn't mean I am right and they are wrong but I do judge.

The closer I am to the person the more headspace I am likely to give their situation. For example I have some family members who have multiple children by different dead beat men. One of them deliberately fell pregnant each time despite neither time being in a situation suitable for bringing a child into the world (homeless, bad relationship, no money, no job etc). Of course I supported their choices and them and their children and have never let them know how I feel but yes I judge their choices and the impact their choices have had on their children.

Like I've said before, I dont judge anyone solely for being a single parent.

But in my community, being a single mum is becoming the default 'lifestyle choice' with some girls honestly seeing it as the optimal solution. The narrative that single parents will have no more difficulties in life and their children wont be disadvantaged only supports this.

And I blame just as much the feckless men who see it as a point of pride to tell others about how many kids they have with how many different 'baby mommas'.

No - definitely wouldn't judge

But Homestayer that’s just one particular set of circumstances. Frankly they may be better off on their own than with a feckless man.

There are many advantages to being a single parent one being that you are the one who can make all the decisions.

A lot of the problems the women you are talking about are due to sexism as a society we could choose to have free childcare and flexible working. This is common is a lot of Scandinavian countries. Both those things would reduce the gender pay gap. How many women on here are pressured into giving up their careers to support a man.

I would not judge and wouldn't make any assumptions about why or who. To be honest, if I was still single at my age, I'd use any opportunity to get pregnant and be happy to have a child on my own. Although, I didn't feel like that before I had mine!!! I was all - no wedding ring, no kids!!! Now I know the love you feel for a child, and can't think of a nicer thing in the world than being able to be a mum and love someone like that.
I would politely ask if the father is around, but be mindful that the mum might not want to share.

@MarieQueenofScots are you a single mum who is going to have another child on your own? I am also thinking of doing this and I am nosy. How are you doing it? Sorry if I am being rude but I have not met anyone else who has done this.

I don't care what the studies say. This is 2020. Women can have kids on their own now without being judged. Not everyone wants a man. I know I don't. I have an adult son I raised alone. Have my own home and career and both of us are university educated. I am not dog rough living off benefits.

M I’m@I’m sorry you’ve had a bad time of it. But you must appreciate not everyone feels like that!

It's not about having a bad time , it's about being honest with yourself no matter how happy one may want the world to view them being in that situation

@MarieQueenofScots edit

It's not about having a bad time , it's about being honest with yourself no matter how happy one may want the world to view them being in that situation

So you’re saying a single parent can’t possibly be happy because if they do they’re not being honest? I would honestly take your statement and say there are little negatives about single parenting - it’s the most positive experience of my life, hence why I’m considering doing it again

@AlltheLemurs

Yes You’re not being nosy, I wouldn’t post if I wasn’t happy to talk about it.

I am single parent to a teen. I co-parent with my ex successfully but I’m considering going it alone for a second.

Slightly complicated by the fact I had unsuccessful fertility treatment/testing but I think I will always regret it if I don’t try. I’m likely to go down the sperm donor route.

I've been single since very early in my pregnancy and yes people DO judge.
I've had people presume I'm on benefits and must get "free" childcare and housing benefits.
I don't, I have a degree and a career and a deposit saved to buy when Coronavirus has calmed down.
I had been in a relationship for around a year but I had people I barely knew, who didn't know my situation, contact me privately on Facebook and ask who the father was.
It didn't help that my daughter was unplanned, I had hoped to have her in different circumstances and was still trying to come to terms with being dropped on my arse by my ex at 7 weeks pregnant.

Thank you @MarieQueenofScots. I have a two year old and I am not sure whether to go for an anonymous donor from a clinic or to try and find a known donor. My DS does see his dad but lives with me full time. The only thing I am worried about is one have a dad and one not but DS’s dad is not much of an asset to him to be honest.