To ask if you would judge someone for being single and pregnant

[Siablue]

If you knew a single woman who was going to go have a baby would you judge her? Would you make any assumptions about her situation if she was happy to pregnant? Would you ask her who the father was (if this was someone you knew but were not close to)?

@lovellost
Like @Homestayer, I was raised by a single mom after my parents divorced. There were four of us, I was just 2. Staying with my father was not an option for her. She had very little help and I know it was a struggle in so many ways.

I also know how it impacted me to not have two parents in my home. Because I was so young, it was mostly normal for me to not have a father there, mostly I saw that others did and I wanted that. But the impact on my siblings was devastating. A second stable parent would have made a tremendous difference in our lives.

I think a person can successfully raise a happy child alone if required. And if one had ever been dropped on my doorstep in need a a mother while I was single, I would have taken up the challenge. But my own experience is the reason I don’t think it’s a grand idea to set things up that way on purpose. It seems selfish to me. Adoption, however, I would fully support.

But my own experience is the reason I don’t think it’s a grand idea to set things up that way on purpose. It seems selfish to me. Adoption, however, I would fully support

But surely the adopted child is still being brought up by a single parent.....?

Hi Homestayer. I have twice posted details about leading researcher called Susan Golombok. She is recognised as an authority on these areas and is a leading figure in public policy circles. I really recommend you look her up on wiki. It's a complex picture but, essentially, she totally debunks some of these outdated ideas. Her research is proper, peer reviewed research from independent funders like the Wellcome Trust.

The likely alternative for an adopted child to having just one loving parent is no parents at all.

The person choosing to parent an adopted child isn’t creating the difficult situation by intentionally getting pregnant with a child intending that the child will never have a father.

But you said how much difference it would make to your lives having a second stable parent. Either a second stable parent is important or it isn’t.

Otherwise it’s all a bit “gosh don’t have your own but it’s good enough to adopt”.

But then I don’t see not having a father as a difficult situation 🤷‍♀️

Just sharing my own opinion and explanation of why I would never choose to get pregnant to purposely raise a child by myself.

I’m not trying to convince anyone else so not going to debate it. You likewise shouldn’t bother with me because these are subjects upon which my mind is quite set.

I’m not trying to convince anyone else so not going to debate it. You likewise shouldn’t bother with me because these are subjects upon which my mind is quite set

Sure. But when you post that opinion you are inviting debate, that’s how forums work.

Disappointing you choose not to answer reasonable questions thereon but I can guess why.

I would judge, yes. I don’t think it’s right having a baby when you’re not married let alone if you’re single.

I wouldn’t ask questions, though, but I’d think you were naive if you were happy with it.

I wouldn’t ask questions, though, but I’d think you were naive if you were happy with it

This is a bit odd, why is it naive to be happy with your life and choices?

Single parent to two teens and although they were 1 and 4 when I left, I can honestly say that the worst part of my experiences has been the feelings of exclusion, judgement from others, society being structured in a way that didn't serve single parent families. So basically, the worst parts of it came from outside of our family unit.

I fall in to that category of mothers who mended their family when they left. My x was such a blamer. It was horrendous but it looked good from the outside so during that time, although I had feelings of guilt that I was (by staying) exposing two toddlers to such a tense atmosphere, nobody was judging us!

When I left, I opened us up to so much judgement, three quarters of it I tuned out. I only occasionally felt the wound if a comment came from an uncle or a friend, or something I thought would understand. But on the whole, I did tune it out thankfully.

Finances were obviously a struggle but now I am the patriarchy's nightmare. I'm a woman who doesn't need a man. I have a house, a job, a pension, the affection of my teens. If society looks down on me, I can shrug it off.

There is obviously a huge agenda to perpetuate the myths that Susan Golombok.

@hannayea that's a fantasy you have there.. If there'd been a second parent around, it would have been BETTER. It might have been worse. It might have been no better or worse. You had it bad so you are concluding that a second parent around would have made things better. That is not something that you can know.

Luckily my DC have more emotional maturity than their father. They can see that he is a blamer. They don't expect much. So many of their friends' parents are one parent families or divorced that they don't have any feelings of being unusual.

I have to groan when people offer up adoption as some sort of ideal solution. I wouldn't want any single mother to give up a baby to a judgemental entitled married mother. That is not a better situation. Its just different. NOT that adoptive parents are that, it's just that thinking that is very flawed.

I'd ask a close friend or relative who the father was (or find out!), it'd be pretty odd not to question it if they were suddenly pregnant "hey Mary who's the father?". Someone I didn't really know I wouldn't ask or indeed care.

If it was a friend/relative I'd probably think they were irresponsible for getting pregnant on a one night stand if that was the case. If you are talking a sperm donor baby I don't know, I don't really agree with single people planning on having a baby alone, it's taking away the chance for the child to have a mother and a father and half their extended family. Granted relationships break down but you don't normally have a child knowing you are going to be doing it on your own.

Are you pregnant and single or something?

I wouldn't judge no. Having raised two children almost entirely alone from them being very young I know that we are happy, functioning and doing so well that knowing what I know now, if I had my time again, I would happily have a child while single and often recommend women go it alone when they're lamenting not being able to meet anyone decent.

I would judge, yes. I don’t think it’s right having a baby when you’re not married let alone if you’re single.

I do judge people who think like this though. So narrow minded.

@ChaiLatteWithStevia

Your children are fortunate to have a wise mother making the best choices for them.

A stable father would absolutely have been better for my family. But since the options at that point were either having my particular father or none living with us at all, my parents divorcing was absolutely for the best.

My Mother went through the same things you are describing and by extension, we felt that judgement also. I wish things were better today than they were in the 70s and 80s. I don’t think our own family judged her, but I definitely saw pity at times from them and others which is just a shittier form of judgement.

re: adoption

If I had ever gotten pregnant while single I would have moved heal and earth to keep my child.

When I mentioned single women adopted up thread I was thinking more along the lines of single women who want children adopting rather than having IVF.

I have a family member who tried IVF but never had success. She also fostered children off and on for 15+ years. Last year she was able to permanently adopt two children that she had fostered for about 3 years. She’s a wonderful and amazing mother and they are so fortunate to have her. She’s a single parent but able to stay home with them full-time.

Without going into detail, there is no question they are better off now than they were with their biological parents, who are married and live together.

When I mentioned single women adopted up thread I was thinking more along the lines of single women who want children adopting rather than having IVF

Would you suggest to couples they should adopt rather than have their own children?

Rather than IVF or surrogacy? Sure!

@HannaYeah

I’m glad to hear that you support adoption rather than having a biological child . How many children have you adopted ?

Rather than IVF or surrogacy? Sure!

I really hope you don’t offer that unsolicited!

Adoption should never be seen as a cure for infertility.

I was under the impression we lived in the 21st century now. Would you judge me for showing my ankles?

MarieQueenofScots

And I hope you don’t go around asking people questions then condescendingly berating then when when they respond?

Let’s just not discuss this. You seem to have glommed on to me and like I said before, I’m not interested. Made a mistake replying to you after I previously decided it’s not a good idea. Sorry!

You seem to have glommed on to me and like I said before, I’m not interested. Made a mistake replying to you after I previously decided it’s not a good idea. Sorry!

Glommed?! I have no idea what that means.

I’m responding to you because it’s a forum. One where we discuss. That’s how a forum works, if you would prefer not to be responded to, maybe the Internet isn’t for you especially if you post deliberately inflammatory posts 🤷‍♀️

**would judge, yes. I don’t think it’s right having a baby when you’re not married let alone if you’re single.

Which ever poster wrote that is cruel & I wouldn’t want to be friends with anybody which held such views .

If your married and have children it can all quickly change the same as somebody who isn’t married. You shouldn’t be looking upon anybody like that. Don’t let the wind blow! You don’t know what’s round the corner for YOU.

0dette, that comment from me was taken a bit out of context as I was goaded into answering the question.

I truly don’t discuss any of this with people, and have always been supportive of all of the choices my friends and family have made with respect to children. That includes those that are childfree, adoption, IVF, etc. If someone asked my opinion I would give it, but never in judgement nor unsolicited.

The internet also has a search feature. You can search for word you don’t know and find the meaning.

On forums, much like cocktail parties, one can decide they don’t want to converse with you for many reasons. The polite thing is to respect that and back off, without demanding an explanation or making snarky comments back.