To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

@Embracelife He's going to work for his dad and have four sports cars and a hot tub like his dad does.

My son says that the baby is probably not even my fiancé's!

My oldest has made her own from when she was 7. I never asked her too, she just did.
Don't get sucked into their games, be strong in the parenting decisions you make.
Making someone's breakfast when they are 13 is ridiculous. But that's just my opinion of course!

He has thousands in his Trust Fund already - he just wants to take the money from the baby.

OP, from what you’ve said it sounds like nothing you say will work and there is no-one or no way of helping the situation.

Why it just give up completely for your own sake, as well as the rest of your family. Ask the eldest son if he would simply like to go to his DF to live, if things are so bad with you.

I don’t know- it just feels like you are swimming against the tide.

I would also go completely grey rock over any comments or things relayed by his father- clearly achieves nothing reacting to these things.

@RazzleDazz1e I was abused horrifically throughout my marriage. And I mean horrifically. If I let my son live with his dad I know the unhappy and disturbed man he will grow up to become.

DD is 11, has restricted mobility, uses a walking frame and has been making her own breakfast for a couple of years. Her OT says the younger she does this the better for her.

I'm sure a fully able 14 year old should be making their own breakfast.

OP, totally get that.... but I don’t see what the answer to all this is then.....from the tone of your posts it appears that little will change and your mental health will suffer drastically (as I’m not sure anyone could continue to live under the conditions you describe long term) - what happens then?

I see and I’m guessing your DS thinks he’ll work with his dad and have the same lifestyle?

And, I’ve just seen your response to a pp confirming that.

I would only hope that if your DS does decide to go to sixth form/uni/any other job that he finds out well, that that sort of attitude just isn’t acceptable. I’m sorry for what you’re going through.

I think that you need to force both your children into family counselling so that you can explore how to move forward

Why haven’t you got your son counselling?

And don’t say your ex won’t allow it, he cannot stop it.

Why haven’t you also said that may happen at Dads but the rules are different in his home.

If he says things about the baby, you state he’s wrong and repeat x1000

Will those people still talking about breakfasts please read the OP's posts, if they can't be arsed to read the thread.

Ai thank yew.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend

Can't force a 13 year-old to engage either.

@HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend He has a weekly private counselling session.

Please stop suggesting that lovebombing is a solution to this kind of abuse - it's rewarding shitty teen behaviour. There need to be consequences for his actions. He's being abusive therefore he needs to be held accountable for his actions.

Frankly, I would be sending him to live with his father. You do not have to put up with this shit, especially in your condition.

@Whataloadofshite if that was aimed at me then please stop applying your one-dimensional thinking to what is a very complex situation with many layers and levels. I have suggested a multi-pronged approach that takes into account all aspects of this extremely messy situation, including the needs of a child who has been badly damaged and who absolutely needs security, guidance and discipline. But who also needs love.

I won’t stop advocating for all the child’s needs to be met. Your approach only addresses half the problem. Which simply isn’t good enough, frankly.

However I do agree. If OP isn’t able to parent effectively and cannot gather the mental and physical strength to effectively challenge the ex’s damaging narrative then yes, it would probably be better for her to relinquish her son to him. She’s certainly not going to win the battle by treating him as an extension of his father.

OP, I was in a relationship with an abusive man, I understand some of how when you're in that relationship it feels really isolating. I had no family, my friends didn't believe he hit me...in the end I had to get myself out because no one was going to do it for me.

You have parents, a new partner. Why are you still so scared of your Ex, and now by proxy your son?

I promised myself that I'd never show my Ex I was scared because that gave him power. If he'd turned up ranting and raving in my garden I'd have gone out and told him to fuck off. And turned the hose on him.

He thinks he can bully you, and so does your son. This situation is never going to get any better until you assert yourself and take back some control somehow. You have a partner and family backing you...I don't get what you're afraid of? You sound as though you're still completely in thrall to your Ex, like you believe all his shit.

Worst case you stand up to him, he has a shit fit and ends up somehow getting full custody. Thing is, on the path you're now on, sooner or later your DS is going to refuse to come home to you one day. At his age courts will listen to him if he says he wants to live at his dad's. At this stage I don't think you have much to lose, because even if you do nothing that might be the outcome.

He has refused to come home. Police powers now in place to return which I have used. He is not allowed at 12 to decide unilaterally where he lives. He is emotionally very immature.

@Ninkanink Well I don't find it easy, that's for sure. Every parenting decision I make is met with abuse from my ex and threats. I'm 38 weeks' pregnant and should be looking forward to the birth of my baby, not terrified of a court case happening 5 days after my due date.

I can imagine it’s hellish. You’re halfway there simply by continuing trying.

But your trying needs to get a lot smarter. Otherwise all your supposed efforts are utterly pointless.

Stop giving him the power. Assert yourself and your own position strongly, with determination. That’s the only way you’ll ever make any headway with your son.

@Ninkanink I'm only human. This abuse started in 2003 and hasn't gone away since I left in 2014. Within four hours of leaving for my own safety he had changed the locks on the marital home and took my eldest son (then 6) away for seven days. I did not know where he was. I never got back into the house and no posessions were ever returned. What hurts the most still is that I don't have one baby photo of either child.

These behaviours have again escalated hugely since a) I met my partner and b) I became pregnant.

I have asked for help from so many different agencies. It doesn't meet the threshold for SS. Police say nothing they can do re his behaviour as it's a civil matter.
I do feel scared. I do feel vulnerable. I struggle to sleep at night. I worry about the safety of my baby when she is born. I worry about the MH of us all.

I have been advised to do the Freedom programme but they won't refer me onto that until I've had the baby.

I appreciate how difficult it must be.

You are strong, you have been strong.

A different kind of strength is needed for the next phase.

The FP will be hugely helpful to you, I’m sure.

Best wishes for your delivery and your family life in the future.