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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

435 replies

Nicknamegoeshere · 15/05/2020 10:57

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

OP posts:
GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 17/05/2020 14:43

OP you give him no consequences for his awful behaviour, what do you expect.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 14:45

@GingerbreadBiscuits00 I can't because then he calls up his dad and says I'm being cruel. I can't take his phone away because the order says he can call his dad any time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 14:48

My partner told son off once for being rude to me and my ex came over and went nuts - broke into our back garden and shouting abuse at OH. Ex then says to courts that OH "shouts at son."

OP posts:
GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 17/05/2020 14:50

Your his mum don't be ridiculous. Your acting like your his sibling and hes telling dad on you. He wont change until you start acting like a parent.

GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 17/05/2020 14:51

Well if that happens call the bloody police!!! Also you should tell your own son off!

GingerbreadBiscuits00 · 17/05/2020 14:53

Have you not got a house phone? Take his mobile away ffs. You enable his shitty behaviours I'm not commenting on any more of your threads its bloody pathetic.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 14:59

@GingerbreadBiscuits00 I did call the police. They said it was a civil matter. I agree I'm bloody pathetic and it's all my fault I'm suffering at the hands of an abuser at 38 weeks' pregnant.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 15:00

He was on the decking in our garden for ages shouting and swearing. It was awful. We've since put locks on gates.

OP posts:
ChocolateTea · 17/05/2020 15:14

Ds1 and Ds2 have made their own breakfast on weekends here since they were 9 or so. They're 13/12 now. They bring us a cup of tea as well. I don't think they do similar at their dads, but they're only there once a week, and think theyd be more worried about what is and isn't allowed to be eaten

Dss never did his own breakfast until DP and I nearly rowed over it. DP would pander to him (aged 17) and make his breakfast and lunch. And it wasn't like he was scared to use the wrong thing, all he eats is toast. He would never think of offering to make a drink for someone either.

Here they make cereal, toast, or if they're feeling lazy grab crossiant or brioche rolls. I make pancakes every now and then for breakfast, DP makes bacon sandwiches for lunch occasionally. But otherwise you make your own breakfast and lunch here.

IAmReportingYouForBBQing · 17/05/2020 15:15

My children are between 11 and 22. All of them can cook basics like frozen pizza/nuggets/pies but they also know how to scratch make a pasta sauce, french toast, porridge, chicken and veg soup. They can also all paint a wall, gloss woodwork and hang paper. Even the 11 year old. They can ask use a sewing machine for repairs and can sew a button on. The 11 yo also bakes cakes and last week scratch made a pizza dough, cooked sauce from scratch and then feed the entire family. We al take turns to cook through the week. They wash their own clothes occasionally too and ask do chores.

I can't even imagine why you haven't already made then learn the basics. Almost 13 and expecting breakfast made? Replace their bowls with plastic toddler type stuff and get them a soft feel spoon. They want to act like useless babies then I would be treating them like it too.

DdraigGoch · 17/05/2020 15:16

I would echo what a couple of other posters have said. It might be best to let your eldest stay with his dad full time. His dad doesn't love his children, that much is obvious, he's just using them (mainly your eldest) as a way to get at you. With your eldest living with him he can't do that and will quickly get bored (and I wonder how long his sugar baby will tolerate a teenager for). It won't be long before he kicks your eldest out or your eldest begs to move back in with you. Other posters have said that their child ended up seeing very little of their fathers after that.

For the sake of yourself, your partner, your youngest son, your unborn daughter, and your parents that might be the best solution. You will find it very hard as you miss your eldest (in spite of everything) but it may be for the best.

TheSandman · 17/05/2020 15:19

OP, I've only hopped skipped and jumped through this thread but I do have to ask - why do you feel the need to want this kid in your life? He sounds like a lost cause. Write him a letter - tell him to keep it unopened for when his wife leaves him in twenty years - and forget the fucker.

DdraigGoch · 17/05/2020 15:19

I can't even imagine why you haven't already made then learn the basics.
@IAmReportingYouForBBQing please read the full thread. It's not really about whether a 13 year old is capable of making breakfast, it's about his troglodyte of a father poisoning him against his mother.

Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 15:22

@DdraigGoch He has to go through Courts as Order in place. If courts rule son to stay with dad ft it will therefore be permanent as I can't keep affording solicitor fees. My ex simply would not let son come back to me if son changed his mind. I also have a younger son who does not want to stay with his dad more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nicknamegoeshere · 17/05/2020 15:23

@TheSandman Because he's my son and he's suffering at the hands of an abuser.

OP posts:
TheSandman · 17/05/2020 16:43

Fair enough.

DdraigGoch · 17/05/2020 17:00

My ex simply would not let son come back to me if son changed his mind.
I was thinking that your ex would be quite likely to change his mind once he can no longer use your eldest as a weapon and he's stuck with a teenager.

Your youngest seems to be suffering as a result of his brother's actions so it might be no bad thing if your youngest could spend time with you and your baby without having the stress of his older brother's precence. Are the two of them really that inseparable that they couldn't have different contact arrangements.

Ninkanink · 17/05/2020 17:11

You are abdicating your side of a very important part of the parenting responsibility if you let your ex dictate that you cannot have boundaries for your child. As I thought, you are giving him way too much power, which comes through in how you write here and also in how you respond to your son’s acting out (and again, I’m going say that it’s understandable, so don’t take this badly). You need to fix that; it is at the core of everything.

Your ex should not be setting the agenda of how you interact with your son in terms of expectation and boundaries and consequences. As long as you carry on giving him that power you are letting him write the narrative for all of you. It matters not if he turns up shouting - you set your boundaries anyway, you dole out consequences accordingly, and you require respect from your son. And if your ex wants to cause a scene you call the police, every time.

What you absolutely cannot do is simply avoid setting boundaries for your son. In doing so you fail him. And I’m not saying that to be harsh but because it’s the truth and it needs to be said, because it’s the only hope you have of fixing things.

You absolutely cannot not have boundaries for your 13 year old son or there will be hell to pay in years to come.

Sodamncold · 17/05/2020 17:18

* GingerbreadBiscuits00 I can't because then he calls up his dad and says I'm being cruel.**

Woman up OP. Seriously.

You seem to use “the courts” as an excuse not to do anything.

Nanny0gg · 17/05/2020 17:34

What can she actually do?

At 13 he can say he wants to move in with his dad permanently. I doubt the OP wants that.

She's not fighting her son, she's fighting his father.

Sodamncold · 17/05/2020 17:37

I agree

My point is the OP accepts NO responsibility at all.

This would not have developed overnight. This deep disrespect would have been allowed to flourish over time and 50-50, that means 50% of the time the child was with the OP.

However nothing- it’s all the fault of the ex and the courts believing him

missyB1 · 17/05/2020 17:47

Am I the only one that feels sorry for this kid? Caught between warring parents, a mum who just wants to blame everyone else, mum has a new partner, and now a new baby about to arrive who will take up an enormous amount of adult attention and time. No wonder he’s a bit screws up and pissed off.

WaxOnFeckOff · 17/05/2020 17:54

I feel a bit sorry for him too, his dad is clearly setting him up to be a misogynist arsehole and he feels shoved out by his mum regardless of the realities of that situation.

However, that doesn't mean he gets away with what he is doing, but a stiff talk about the realities of life is definitely required

missyB1 · 17/05/2020 17:57

I agree he needs setting straight but some empathy from his mum might actually help with that. She needs to wake up to the fact this boy seems totally lost, it’s unlikely to be fixed unless she starts having some insight.

Embracelife · 17/05/2020 17:59

"She's not fighting her son, she's fighting his father"

Well exactly
But everyone is suffering.
Try and seek professional support eg fzmily therapist.