To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

My 6 & 8 year old get their own breakfast and cold drinks. YANBU

Yes, as always it’s about balance. You shouldn’t ever go too far one way or the other.

@Nicknamegoeshere you really need to stop casting your son as a proxy of his father. He doesn’t get to scream and shout and you capitulate. That’s not how effective and constructive parenting works.

However it’s very common after abuse for the abuser to have a huge hold and to still exert authority and influence. You need to set up effective strategies to deal with your fear of him, so that you can fearlessly parent your son and set him straight. The situation will not fix itself. It’s up to you to fix it.

It never occurred to me to make my children's breakfast once they were old enough to do it themselves. And at 13? Not a chance. I think by that age they were getting their own lunch too. Unless I was doing a family meal. Dinner was the only regularly cooked daily meal.
(There was always kid friendly food around - they weren't neglected)

I'm sorry, I've just read the thread through. You're in a really difficult position and I hope you can get some professional help to sort this out.

I completely agree with Ninkanink's posts.

OP, I have read many of your threads. It seems to me that you are emotionally stuck, that you are experiencing a kind of emotional paralysis that is making you unable to move forward. I don't mean that as a criticism, simply as an observation. All of your ex's past words and actions repeat themselves in a continuous feedback loop in your head, and they affect every interaction you have with your sons. And that cannot be healthy for any of you.

But please try to be the mother your children need without constantly imagining how your ex will react. He will react badly no matter what you do, so attempting to placate him won't work anyway. Your sons desperately need a mother who is calm, consistent, loving but firm. I know it isn't easy to compartmentalise your emotions, but that may be the way forward. Respond to your sons in the moment, without drama, without allowing your ex's words to ring in your head.

Things won't change instantly. It took a long time for them to reach this point. But your relationship with your children is worth the effort, as you know.

@missyB1 Who said he was a new partner? That's rubbish. And should I have asked my son's permission to have another baby?!

I am not a warring parent - I married a controller who is brainwashing my son. It is not me constantly breaching the Court Order or taking ex back to court time and time again.

Oh good grief

The posters who have posted thoughtful and insightful posts should just give up.

The boy is on a path and it doesn’t look like either of his parents are going to guide him on to a better one

I make that comment on the basis of the OP’s last post when she once again abdicated any responsibility and reverts to the her script

@Sodamncold Well unless the courts stop the 50/50 (which they won't, he has applied for me to see them just EOW if I'm lucky) his control and alienation will simply continue to increase. I've spent 6 years fighting legally - at a cost of around £30k if not more - and not one person on authority has recognised what ex is doing. I've tried and tried to tell people right from the start, including the police. I thought coercive control was supposed to be a crime. If it is then they have done nothing about it.

50%
50%

You have him 50% of the time

If it was 5% I might see where you’re coming from

So what are you saying. You give up?

@Sodamncold Have a look at parental alienation. Son has been lead to believe his dad is perfect and I am the bad parent. He wholeheartedly believes that, mostly due to fear of his father. If ex gets more custody then yes, I will probably have to give up as the relationship I have with my eldest will not be salvageable.

You are abdicating your responsibility. You’re not even bothering to fight. Yes it’s hard, yes you’ve been dealt an awful hand and so has your son, but you absolutely are perpetuating your ex’s damage. You have got to do your bit to redress the balance. That might be hard to deal with but it’s the truth.

You’re not doing right by your son. Nor by your younger son, nor the baby.

@Ninkanink You tell me how to fight then. Without the support or understanding of anyone at all yet in the legal system.

Stop hoping for support from others, first of all.

You do what all good parents do - you set boundaries for your son, follow them up with consequences where necessary, and adopt a parental role. You’re treating him as if he is his father. He is not. He is your son, who needs you to be a parent.

My kids were all sorting their cereal at about 5. Toast maybe 7ish.
Yanbu.

So you’ve got a label for it

But have you looked in to what the alienated parent can do?

In stepping away.

I’m afraid that you have a view of yourself and the situation that from the info you have shared - I don’t share.

Nor does the “courts” over many years so presumably many different judges.

I’m stepping away

@Sodamncold Clearly you have zero understanding of PA. Most people don't.

Even with your name change I recognise your story.

I am so so sorry but your son is a bit of lost cause. He is abusing you. He is a puppet to your Ex to hurt you.
You need to stand firm in your home and fight against him.

If he is standing in your garden screaming and shouting it is NOT a civil matter it is a police matter you should contact you mp and complain about who ever gave you that advice

Has cafcass not even be involved? They can cite different parenting styles all they want but surely a judge will see that encouraging a 13 year old to act like an infant is abuse 🤷‍♀️

My 11 year old tries this with me because as soon as I'm in full time work he needs a childminder his dad starts with your mom doesnt love you enough to stay home with you she is all about the money 🙄 I tell him ok I will drop my hours drop your monthly vbucks etc and reduce your expectations for Christmas and birthdays will you be happier? Apparently no 🤷‍♀️ but my son has had his dads number for a few years it was bad for awhile since dad "moved on" with his "problematic" girlfriend its opened my sons eyes

Just ignore and laugh off the rude and nasty remarks. He is doing that to hurt you. Don't waste your energy on it.
Google "grey rock".
It's also possible your 13 years old feels pushed out and needs reassurance that the baby won't replace him or make you love him less.

I have read your other thread OP and it’s horrific. I’m sorry, I don’t have any practical advice, you seem to have done everything that you can.

You say your ex had “no boundaries” growing up but he must be able to apply himself to whatever he does for work with SOME sort of discipline to earn so much? I assume he’s self-employed.

Your DS will be going to uni/work in 4/5 years. What’s his attitude like at school? Does he not have any girls as friends? How will he get on at uni sharing halls/houses with others? If he has a woman as a manager/lecturer? He’ll be in for a shock, that’s for sure, his DF won’t be able to exert so much control then as your DS will be introduced (very swiftly) to other ideas/behaviours/influences.

@Jimjamjong We have tried so hard to involve him with the baby and talk to him about it. But ex has told him the baby is not related to my son, that the baby is going to be "born a retard", that he is going to go without because I will spend all of my money on her. He has said wait until "it" is born because they will be ignored.

Every time we buy something for the baby my son takes a photo and sends it to my ex. Ex replies that this is money being taken from sons.

We've had to hide everything baby-related in the house because son goes mad. I'm made to feel guilty about buying her anything. Nearly all of her clothes are secondhand ebay but you'd think I'd spent thousands!

Ex has told son if he stays with him ft he'll get mainenance from me which can go straight into his Trust Fund and not be spent on the baby.

Your ex is awful.
But your ds is child who is being manipulated as you know.
You may want to seek some professional help psychologist to develop strategies.

Stop hiding things.
If he sends pics so what
You dont need to justify.
You can just say calmly the baby needs things. Just as he did.
That baby will be a half sibling. Fact.

What does ds want to do with his future trust fund? Does he have ambitions?

@MissCharleyP He has no friends as girls and his dad took me to court re secondary so he attends a boys school.

I strongly suspect ex has an element of autism and that is why he is so good at maths/finances etc. Self-employed.

He has zero emotional awareness. When I miscarried for example he asked me why I was crying after our scan with no heartbeat. He never cuddled me after we married. No physical affection.

He did once have a woman as a boss but got into trouble in that job as he wouldn't do what she asked of him.

He then lost another job because he refused to go on a plane (has a phobia of flying as not in control).