To expect my almost 13 yo to make his own breakfast?

[Nicknamegoeshere]

Just that really.

I share care with my not-nice ex who is citing that I am a "neglecting" parent for expecting this. At his house, his (unemployed) much younger gf does this every day for both boys. He is claiming I am making eldest "go hungry."

I am 38 weeks pregnant with my fiancé and I'm desperately trying to get my boys (youngest is 10) to become more independent.

My eldest asked me at 10.45 today to get his breakfast because "he never has to at his dad's."

Neither son does anything around the home and I feel like their servant.

AIBU?

My eight year old helps herself to cereal and is allowed to make toast, bagels or tinned spaghetti as long as an adult is downstairs.
My 15 year old will cook for herself now but it is a recent thing at one point she just wouldn't have eaten if I didn't make her food. She does have adhd though.
If you are sure it is just laziness stand your ground.
It is good for them to know that each household has different rules and routines.
Tell your ex that you won't be drawn into discussion about day to day stuff.

My DC get their own breakfast and they’re 7, 9 and 10.

I find it shocking you allow him to treat you like that. It sounds like you've given up. Its your other sons bday he deserves a nice day sort it out.

* he s clearly also hurting and jealous of new baby*

Come off it. He’s 13. He doesn’t give a hoot about this.

He’s rude. He’s verging on abusive. He’s self-entitled. These things don’t happen overnight. They have been developing and allowed to develop over many years.

You need to start working on that too.

Lovebombing works wonders.

Have you talked with him about how much his brother or sister is going to love him, look up to him and admire him? Have you told him that he’s going to always be a huge and important part of that little person’s life? Tell him also that love is not like a pizza - you never run out of slices, and a new baby never pushes out the older children. There’ll be plenty of love to go around.

I get the sense that you might be giving your ex way too much power here (which of course is understandable). You need to switch to anger and you need to stop worrying so much over the crap he’s filling their heads with and determinedly start working on setting your own narrative and expecting your son(s) to understand and to adjust their narrative accordingly.

That’s absurd. My 11 made us both lunch on Tuesday. He’s been making his own breakfast at the weekends, for years.

And how is it my fault that he has been so badly damaged by an abusive father? What am i supposed to do? I have said this time and time again in court but nobody listens or accepts it is abuse. Let's just keep it 50/50 they say. Ex is the perfect parent according to son. I argued it years ago. There's no "evidence".

Yes he’s damaged, he’s hurt and angry and frightened. It’s okay though. It’s going to be okay. It can, and will get better. As I said, practice projecting a strong and determined approach with him - you’re stronger than his father is, you are going to set the narrative. Get him thinking about how he might factor in that small person’s life.

Your allowing him to talk to you like shit, call your baby a retard, wreck property and ruin his little brothers bday (amongst lots more). You allow his bad behaviour with having no consequences.

Yanbu! In school he should be cooking food in food tech? He can absolutely make breakfast.

Well sounds like you are well shot of the ex!
Perhaps you can lay it out simply But plainly to your son and say that dad has these views but that they aren’t shared by the vast majority of men or women anymore. They are outdated. That if he wants a fulfilling life as an adult man then following his dad’s footsteps isn’t the way forward and you feel a bit sorry for his dad that he is stuck in the 1950s!

@Nicknamegoeshere why didn’t you post this in relationships? You had lots of understanding posters and posters who know of your situation.

@Nicknamegoeshere your DS is hurting, but I’m concerned with his comments about your baby. This coupled with his previous comments are quite concerning. Please note anything he says down.

Also watch out for your boys being radicalised by the far right. It’s on the increase and sounds like dad has already planted some of these seeds.

Mine have made their own breakfast since they were about 7. They've usually made them self a sandwich tea / lunch since hey were about 10.

Your ex is creating a man-child!

I'd encourage independence, my ds 13 cooks an evening meal for us once a week and makes his own breakfast and lunch, he also has other jobs around the house, including a bit of ironing.
My dd10 also makes he own breakfast and last year started to make all of our school lunches (she asked if she could have it as one of her jobs)
Get rid of the stereotypes of females do the jobs, it will make them much better adults.
I grew up in a house where I was the only girl and was expected to do more household jobs than my brothers...that wasn't happening in my house.
Keep persisting with it, they'll soon get the message.

Can you record him on your phone when his dad is talking to him, and his reaction, and the aftermath? Like when your youngest was opening his presents? Just some evidence for court. Even if not, have a written record, try and keep in factual and unemotional. The more evidence for court of alienation the better.

I work with someone (she’s 24) and her mother has done everything her whole life and has created an adult that is completely useless in a working environment. Her mum makes her a packed lunch for work every day and the one day her mum was unwell and didn’t do this, she came to work without food or money (her mum also gives her ‘pocket money’ despite the fact she is paid a decent salary) and a colleague had to buy her lunch. If there are ever any last minute projects that pop up, usually everyone will work on an hour or two to meet the deadline, and our manager is fab at giving everyone the time back. She refuses to pitch in, as she ‘has to be home by 5.30 as that is dinner time’. Apparently her mum doesn’t believe in microwaves to heat it up later and she couldn’t possibly make herself something later! One day she was a few minutes late for work and said she had slept in, and only woke up because her mum had come into her room to open the curtains and make her bed. She asked for an important work meeting to be rescheduled at the last minute because her mum had just returned from the supermarket and would be making lunch. She can’t manage her time and has no grasp of her job without needing full instructions every time she does a task (18 months in..). I fully believe her mum has gone beyond doting mother and has absolutely ruined her... Definitely in favour of ensuring your children can be independent.

Are you giving him any consequences for his actions ? His behaviour is terrible but it sounds like no-one gives,him any consequences. You don't and his,dad certainly doesn't. He will keep pushing until he actually finds a boundary. He's being abusive to everyone, not just you or the baby but your other son too.
I know he's learned some of this from his dad but he's also doing it because he knows you won't stop him. You have to get firm with him. Don't let him ruin your son's birthday.. Have a nice meal if eldest can't behave he can eat later.
What's the relationship between dad and your youngest like?

Wow my dc make their own breakfast and bring me a coffee every morning (I’m not a morning person) and they’re 12 and 8. 12 year old made scones yesterday completely on her own and dd2 is getting more independent making biscuits. My job as a parent is to give them confidence in their independence not serve them like princesses!

I've had to leave the table to throw up. Can't eat anything. Kids seem fine in there with OH.

@Han789 the packed lunch seems sweet if the mother enjoys doing it. I know my mum did. But all the rest are odd if not over the top etc. She sounds a nightmare to work with.

My 14 year old makes his own cereal and have a look at omelette makers they are fab so he does that, and while at it brings me a cup of tea too! He can also make frozen pizza, wraps with hummus, chicken and salad or sandwich and soup at the weekend. Each day all 3 will do a 10 minute housework job too.. Hoovering stairs, cleaning their shower while in it with a wand filled with washing up liquid and vinegar, cleaning mirrors with a mirror e cloth, sweeping up outside, changing their own bed sheets and pillows with a bit of help with duvet. 14 year old also puts his own washing in washing machine and we hang it out together. I am in the process of teaching muffins, very simple, potato wedges and a stir fry. There's lots of help yourself options too.. Crackers, Philadelphia and smoked salmon. If your ex wants to serve them, fine, but doesn't mean you have to and unreasonable for him to stick his nose in. 13 year old can deffo start with milk and cereal pouring, making own toast! If they really can't then have a few grab options like brioche, breakfast bars, bananas so he's not 'starving' as ex said

I think DS1 needs reminding that he, too, started life as a "shitty-arsed baby" and of who cared for him tenderly and lovingly and taught him how to use a toilet and wipe his own bum, too. Where does he think he would be if you hadn't bothered?

I'd send him back for a spell. Let him have an overdose of what he wants until he sickens of it and begs to come back. Then you can set terms for his return.

I think you need a set of hard and fast rules for everything. For how you speak to each other, to chores, duties and responsibilities. He needs a damn good talking to about how to treat people with respect and consideration. He needs to be sat down and spoken to strongly.

He's not going to listen to you.
Will he listen to OH?
Are there any males in his life whom he respects (not on his dad's side obviously). Can that person - if he exists - do the talk? I know when my brother went a bit wild in his youth one of my uncles (married to my mum's sister, so not blood relative) had a quiet word (took a whole afternoon) with him and somehow that pulled him up and his behaviour became so much better. He grew into a really nice, considerate and kind chap.

@Jux He does get on with my dad but ex has stopped him from speaking to my parents. My mum tried to call son and chat but he was very offensive.

He's back with his dad for 11 days from tomorrow anyway. A bit of breathing space although it's going to be horrendous again when he's due to return. Especially if the baby has arrived by then.