Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

Yes I’d judge both!

Well that's his own stupid fault for cheating on his wife isn't it?

I wish more people would judge those who behave in this manner. It's not right that they get to "put it all behind them" in fact it's ridiculous.

Of course I would. They clearly have no morals.

I'm just so shocked with the people saying 'it's all on him' like she didn't set out to commit a heinous act in the first place.

Of course her behaviour is immoral BUT she is not responsible for the man's behaviour. He made vows and had the responsibility of a family, he had an obligation to resist temptation. I refuse to give men license to behave like arseholes because they claim to be martyrs to the whims of their cock. The fact that you think if it hadn't been him it would have been someone else suggests either a very low opinion of men or you are willing to make excuses for them. I wouldn't expect women to behave with sisterly solidarity if we keep insisting they are responsible for some men's shitty behaviour.

No I wouldn't judge. I'm having an affair with a married man, have been for the last 6 years and I too was married for the first few years of it. In that time I have fallen Pregnant 4 times but miscarried every single one. Most people will probably just say we deserved to lose our Babies but what most people don't know is that I tried for 15 years with my ex husband to fall pregnant but due to fertility issues at the time and his refusal to go get tested it never happened and that put a massive strain on our marriage

I’m sorry for your infertility and losses, but that did not give you the right to do what you did. I know all about the strain that long term infertility puts on a marriage.

Sounds like Kate in Dr Foster

FWIW, I do have sympathy for men in a committed relationship whose partner says they are using contraception - while it's not rape

@WeirdAndPissedOff I think a bloke could win a rape case for this, if one were brought. It's similar circumstances to where a woman consents only on condition that the man wears a condom, and then he deliberately doesn't put one on. That's illegal.

Similarly, a bloke whose partner lies and says she's on contraception when she isn't, had only given consent on condition that she was on it, so sex without it is rape (well, legally sexual assault in the UK.)

But the op isn’t friends with him so his betrayal of his wife is irrelevant in the discussion to ops feeling towards her friend

without a doubt - I would judge them both.

him for the obvious cheating and her for setting out to get pregnant on purpose because that's just what she wanted to do with no thought to the wife and those children nor for her own child who is now growing up without a father. that is going to be a difficult conversation down the line isnt it.

both selfish as can be

To be honest I don't get why anyone would choose to knowingly bring a baby into a shitshow in any case.

I dont care tbh. As long as it's not my partner.

*IDK, I would assume she loved him and that's why she wanted his baby, not someone else's. Or does he seem like he would have amazing genes- attractive, intelligent etc? She could've gone after a single man though, of course.

As to anyone 'targeting' married people- I imagine decent married people just brush anyone's advances off.*

She had no right to his baby or anyone else’s. And Tbh I would not covet the genes of someone willing to cheat on their wife and children.

Yes - I would judge them both.

He’s a disgusting man for doing that to his wife and children and having unprotected sex with the other woman when he’s married..no morals, horrible man.

The woman is disgusting for knowing he’s married and has children, but still chose to do what she did knowing the impact would be devastating.

People who have affairs are selfish. Yes, its that black and white to me.

Everybody has a choice, no excuses.

So regardless of what contraception she said she was on and putting aside the fact this scumbag bloke has cheated on his partner, if he really wanted to eliminate any risk of pregnancy he should have worn a condom. End of. It matters not a shit what the other party says she's taking, it's his sperm, and his responsibility. By not doing so he has exposed his partner to STDs even before you factor in this poor baby.

And on the topic of a guy lying about wearing a condom resulting in pregnancy being different to the other way round, for me a huge difference in these scenarios is that if a pregnancy happens it's the woman who from that points bears all the physical risks that pregnancy, labour or a termination may cause. I'm trying to articulate the rest of what makes me think it's different but this is a big factor for me.

Yes, I would judge both parents of the baby.

think the bigger issue is the difference in the way the woman is described v the man. She is always brazen and selfish and chases him relentlessly until he has no choice but to give in. He's just a silly man who had a lapse in judgement but the woman? She is evil personified and knew exactly what she was doing. The language is ALWAYS aggressive towards the woman, the man was just duped cos, well, he's a man giggle

Mmm. It’s interesting that the perceived dynamic of a single man cracking on to a married woman, is often that he’s doing her a favour, rescuing her from a marriage that is bad or stale.

I do judge OW though because they have nothing to lose in the affair ( the assumption that they know he’s married) Of course she can walk away saying she made no promises to anyone. However she has made an active choice to have a relationship with someone’s else’s partner. And that choice means hurting someone else. Hurting an entire family if children are involved.
The married person at least risks something themselves when they cheat. There is a price to be paid for the damage.

I'd judge them both.

Both of them were complicit in sneaking about behind someone else's back, both of them were so self-absorbed and didn't give a shit about the wife's feelings or safety as neither were prepared to take responsibility for their OWN contraception. At the very least condoms would have helped protect the wife from potential STIs risk etc.

The added fact the OW (from what's been said by OP) has gone in with alterior motives as well shows a cold, selfish calculation to achieve a goal.

The added fact the DH has gone in to get his jollies and ignored his vows and the potential impact on his family is despicable.

Poor children and poor (hopefully ex-) wife, hope karma comes to both the cheaters.

I judge both of them.

When has it ever been OK to do something shitty to someone else, because the other person engaging in the shitty behaviour, with you, is worse?

The man ultimately is the worse because in most cases OW and the wife get hurt. The man also is having the best of both worlds. The OW has nothing at steak only that she is comprising her own morals.

The man owes loyalty to his wife & kids. After all it’s him who will persuade his wife to take him back.

I don't care if it's judgemental I would cut her (and him if he were a friend) out of my life. I just wouldn't be able to stay friends with someone so selfish and cruel.

Yup what’s wrong with a sperm bank ?

So desperate for a baby that you’ll cause such emotional distress

I don't buy the whole scenario as at all likely. If you, for some reason, are desperate to have a baby, there are far more straightforward ways of going about it. How does the OP know this woman intended to get pregnant by this married man?

IMO the only acceptable thing to do if you get pregnant by a married man is to terminate the pregnancy.

The why’s and wherefores are irrelevant here.He cheated on his wife and she knowingly slept with a married man with children. They’re both equally culpable.

It absolutely is not alternativeperspective. That would be up to the individual woman to decide.