Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

Yes, I would, and I'm not normally one of those 'stone the bitch' people on here. I just think it's a really really shitty thing to do to a kid - to bring him or her into this kind of dysfunctional situation. I know two adults who were impacted by this as kids - one who was born as the result of an affair, and one who has half siblings from his dad's affair, and in both cases it's messed them up hugely for their whole lives - far more than the normal children of divorce.

I get that stuff happens and we can't always predict how our children's lives will go, but at the very least I feel like we should try to create a healthy environment to bring a new human into the world in. I think it's a really selfish act.

Obviously, having an affair isn't great and I'd normally judge a bit about that. But this is definitely, to my mind, over and above.

I'm just so shocked with the people saying 'it's all on him' like she didn't set out to commit a heinous act in the first place. If one married man knocked her back another sleazeball would take his place. They're both just as bad as each other

@suckingdowndarjeeling Sure, they are both horrible, selfish people but the pregnancy IS all on him. He chose, for whatever reason, not to use a condom. There is always the chance of pregnancy but the buck stops with the man. Always.
A woman is not likely to get pregnant, no matter how deceitful you'd like to think she is, if the man takes responsibility and uses a condom. All this anecdotal evidence of the evil of baby craving woman means nothing really. Don't want a baby, use a condom.
And every single time someone uses that "she tricked him" excuse, they are minimising the behaviour of yet another deadbeat dude.

So, whilst they may be equally horrible people, HE is the one who controls the conception. They just choose not to and the woman STILL gets all the anger and aggression.

I would judge her as being very stupid. We already know he is disgusting.

but the pregnancy IS all on him. He chose, for whatever reason, not to use a condom. There is always the chance of pregnancy but the buck stops with the man. Always.

Utter nonsense. It takes two to make a pregnancy. No ifs, no buts, two.

She chose not to take the pill and to lie about it and to continue with the pregnancy yet it is 100% his fault? What rubbish.

@BubblyBarbara I would put it all on him. Her biological clock was ticking and she just wanted a baby

Isn't this just as infantilising as painting the man as falling prey to the seduction of the evil OW? Women aren't helpless against their biological clock any more than men are helpless against their hormones. Whatever urges, desires, needs etc we have, we also have free will and the agency not to purposely fuck up other people's lives in pursuit of them.
If OW just wanted a baby, there are countless different ways she could fall pregnant without being the OW.
And call me harsh, but I have increasingly little pity for people who purposefully bring a child into a shitty situation because they want to be a parent. (Ie putting their own desires before the needs of their child before they are even conceived - not a great start).

@NoMoreDickheads
I don't necessarily disagree with this. While I can see the argument that lying about using a condom could be worse than lying about taking the pill (due to STIs and the woman bearing the health risks of pregnancy), and technically as a female offender and male victim it would be sexual assault (not sure how I feel about this, but I won't go into that here), if the basis is that one party consented to sex with contraception, then the absence of that contraception invalidates consent in either case. Morally, at least, there's certainly very little difference between the two scenarios.

It would be interesting to see the outcome of such a case, though I think ultimately it's very likely to fail due to burden of proof.

He chose to ejaculate inside her and chose to cheat on his wife...

...whereas the woman didn't have any choice? Really?

I would think they are both arseholes.

@MondeoFan I was just speaking in a hypothetical scenario that she was somehow enamoured with this man because he was married, so then would have looked for another married man in his place. In my ideal world, none of these weirdos would exist full stop. To be honest I'm getting exhausted just thinking about all of the different facets of this topic.

I think they were both cunts.

A man should use a condom Yes but as a woman you also take some fucking responsibility for protecting yourself, protecting your body against an unwanted pregnancy. It’s not all on either sex ffs!

A responsible person Should always try to bring a new life in to a healthy environment.

No, because it has no impact on my life what so ever. Either be her friend or don’t. Judging is nasty

@CJsGoldfish I see what you are saying but I must respectfully disagree. I don't feel we can live in a world of equality without acknowledging that both sexes have a part to play in decisions like this. It can't just be one or the other.

Yesterday on another thread, the OP was asking for advice about having another child with a partner who changed his mind after their first baby and decided he didn't want a second one. The second post on that thread was a person suggesting that she should claim she's on the pill, 'accidentally' get pregnant then cry that she couldn't handle getting an abortion. That is manipulative, and the responsibility for that if she did that would be on her, not her partner. Trust has to factor into things at some point surely.

The fact is that they are both willing to permanently fuck over innocent people for some self gratification.

If you understanding folks think those same people wouldnt fuck you over in an instant for the merest reward, you're breathtakingly naive.

They will fuck anyone over, no matter how close you think you are to them. They are low empathy people. They give no shits in a way you cant understand, because you are a normal person trying to understand the actions of the abnormal.

@Vellum I agree there’s probably more to this story. When the man met this woman what did he say to her OP?
Did he say hello my name is would you like to have sex with me? For her to want a baby with a married man is a bit odd and he didn’t encourage this in any sort of way?

No - my best friend did that and I can totally see her point of view. The father is very involved in the baby's life, and his own marriage seems to be on and off.

Actually I judge her more

He cheated , which is not the worst crime ever (despite what people say here )

She decided to not abort knowing that her child would cause a World of pain

I judge her more

The pain the OW has caused isn’t her priority. The way some women are quick to call the OW out before their husband (which they usually take back) is wrong.
You can’t expect loyalty from someone who you do not know.
If it was my husband and he cheated I could forgive him. The fact these HE has got OW pregnant due to being careless I could not give that ever that speaks volumes.
It’s no surprise men cheat so often when most of the blame seems to be aimed at the OW.

I’d be most concerned about all the children involved.

My friend’s husband had a child outside of their marriage. My friend stayed with him after the affair came to light, and even has a civil relationship with the OW (albeit somewhat years down the line) and has welcomed the child born out of the affair into the lives of their existing family.

But those kids aren’t stupid. As they’ve grown up they ALL have resentments to ALL the adults involved, especially their father. My friends children have had the security and stability of their family unit and their view of their father totally rocked. The child from the affair knows he was the product of a relationship outside of the family unit he visits to see his siblings and is jealous and acts up at times.

Poor kids.

So no, I don’t ‘judge’. It’s nothing to do with me and I’m not highly moralistic. But I do pity the children and wonder if my friends husband and his ex-OW realise the lasting damage their selfish fling has caused.

Why are some women so keen to absolve the married Male affair partner of all responsibility and basically decide that the woman involved in the affair is some kind of irresistible sucubus who forces the married man to have unprotected sex with her with the sole purpose of ruining another woman's life?

It's so outdated and sexist.

Married men should understand to keep it in their trousers and uphold their wedding vows.

The woman has no responsibility towards any married man's wife. The man however does.

"Why are some women so keen to absolve the married Male affair partner of all responsibility and basically decide that the woman involved in the affair is some kind of irresistible sucubus who forces the married man to have unprotected sex with her with the sole purpose of ruining another woman's life?"

Don't you know that men have these urges and they just can't help themselves. Especially if they are 'targeted' whatever that means.
Such old fashioned ideas here.

"She decided to not abort knowing that her child would cause a World of pain

I judge her more"

Wow. Really?
I'm pro-choice but not everyone can abort every baby.

The woman is always laid in to more than the husband.
Because there is no emotional history with the OW is there? No love or happy memories. This woman literally offers nothing to your life in comparison to your husband who has up to now built a life with you. It just feels soooooo much more satisfying to have a pop at another woman rather than your cheating, lying, deceitful husband doesn’t it? That’s all it boils down to.

In other words:

You have a husband problem.

Assuming he didn't want to get caught out/discovered then he's a bloody idiot to not wear a condom.

There is actually some twisted yet wonderful irony in a cheating shit who decides his orgasm is more important than his family, ending up with a baby on the way when the other woman said she was on the pill but wasn't.

@bluecar3 was the baby announced in a Facebook post two days ago by any chance? If so, yes I’m judging the pair of them and not piling in with the congrats

In all of this I do agree that the OW has not acted well and as a pp said, why she would want to knowingly bring a child up into this messed up situation.