Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

The term “home wrecker” makes me cringe too, so incredibly outdated and the inference is the home was perfect until some OW came along...no one really knows.
I’d judge the man for being such a twat.

I think it depends on whether she knew he was married at the outset/found out he was married but continued to see him or whether he had pulled the wool over and promised her the moon on a stick.

Some people,involved in affairs do not necessarily have their eyes open, but if they are open then they are tomblame.

Yes I would judge her. And him.

I wouldn't ever feel able to trust them. Doing this shows that they are a person prepared to screw someone over in order to get whatever they want. It could be you they screw over next.

Both of them yes. Women who go for married men..yuck. men who cheat...also yuck.

@Bubblebee7 that's interesting. I 100% blame him for what he did, to be clear. But I think scamming someone into becoming a parent should be against the law to be honest, especially if you then ask for CM.

I'd judge him fat more than her - his children have a sibling they'll likely never know about, what a huge impact, all because he thought with his dick.

How could you possibly measure "someone getting pregnant on purpose" and make it against the law?! Seriously how on earth would you prove that? Just because men and gossips say "she trapped me/him into having a baby" doesn't mean it's compelling evidence - very sad to see how "women lie" is just an accepted, unchallenged narrative in so many cases.

I'd judge both, and find them both to be vile cretins.

But then I think any man or women who go for taken men or women to be disgusting creatures, and any taken man or woman who cheats is a vile lowlife.

Also to lie about using protection is immoral.

I feel for the poor kids in these situations though as its always them that have to suffer the bitter bile produced by such actions.

I tend to blame the married person far more - they're the ones who said their vows to their spouse, they're the ones in that committed relationship. The OW/OM is an arsehole, but there are arseholes the world over and once you've made a commitment to be in a monogamous relationship the onus is on you to dodge the arseholes. You can't say words of commitment to one person then blame someone else for your cheating.

I've been cheated on; it's shit. But I don't for one second put the blame on the OW; she was just an arsehole. The person who cheated? Absolute weapons-grade dick who fed me one line and the OW another. No need for it in any way.

I know someone who got pregnant during an affair unsure if accidental or not as it's not my business. But the married man and wife are still together and she knows about the child as he is in the child's life. I do wonder what their dynamic is that she hasn't left.

@Pinkyyy it’s a complex matter there’s two sides. Did the man automatically assume the OW was going to sort contraception, did he not care to ask as he was too busy enjoying himself. Also he could of suggested to wear a condom.
The only way he would have been scammed is if OW had put holes in a condom.

They're both homewreckers, just of different homes.

He's wrecking the one he made vows to.

She's building the one for her child on foundations of lies, and a whole potential shitshow of complications.

Hell, I'm never going to be mum of the year, but I set my criteria for having a child to include 'not deliberately bringing them into a messed up situation'.

(Not the same situation, but my dad proposed to my mum when they'd been going out three months. For herself, she may have said yes, but no way in hell was she doing that to my siblings.)

As a side point, yes, I judge people. I find it incredibly useful for setting my boundaries and navigating the world without harm. There are seven billion people on this planet, I don't need to be friends with all of them. Everybody exercises judgement, it's bullshit to claim you don't.

You have to judge when it's safe to cross the road, and you have to judge that a person isn't going to cause you harm. There's little difference.

Also, anyone who plays the "she got herself pregnant" "she scammed me" line is such a loser. You chose to fuck someone else; there'd have been a significantly lower risk of you getting someone pregnant had you not fucked the person in the first place. All the woman-blaming just deflects it nicely so the poor little tricked man can go back to his old life.

I think she must have a very low self esteem and sense of self worth.

Yes I would
She’d have a very different set of morals to me and I’d not want to Be friends with her

yes

110%

both parties do this type of thing with absolutely no thought whatsoever for the lives it affects (many many more than those in the immediate circle of connectivity and the immediate circle of hurt is bad enough)

Yes on the basic details you gave here. If I knew her and she was a friend I would likely understand her point of view more. A few of my married and single friends have had affairs over the years and I do think less of them TBH (especially if I know their husbands) but it’s not something I dwell on.

Yes, it's extremely irresponsible and selfish behaviour. Both the woman and the married man would be fully responsible for their own actions, unless we're about to get a substantial drip feed, and both of those sets of actions are blameworthy.

So many people have affairs. It’s the child that needs protecting now, not people judging how they came to be. It’s a sad situation for all.

I’d judge both of them equally, provided the woman knew definitely knew he was married.

My grandmother had two children in the 1940’s to a married man, 5 years apart. My DM is one of those children. Grandmother would take them every week to the same church that the man attended with his wife and children just so she could point him out to them. He paid maintenance for them but as far as we know his wife never knew about them, and they are all deceased now. I have half-cousins from his wife but would never contact them because of the potential hurt involved. Shame on both of them.

@Sometimeswinning

She lied about being on the pill. So yeah she did force him to become a father. Its the same if a man rips a condom before using it, he is forcing a woman to become pregnant. No different just because she is a woman, she is no Saint in this. She is just as bad.

He could have worn a condom, but he did believe she was protected. And someone who cheats isn't exactly concerned about their sexual health being a priority.

@Bubblebee7 I think I was automatically thinking of a situation where she had made the holes because of the way the OP made it sound. But then, there's really no way to prove any of that I suppose.

ah another married man who just couldnt resist the evil charms of VAGINA. The poor poor thing pursued until sheer exhaustion made him give in and fall on top of her without a condom on

seems a bit odd to have sex with a married man purely to have a baby and he have no subsequent involvement. If she just wanted fertile sperm, the sperm clinic is that way. If she just wanted a baby and not him why even tell him she's pregnant? I mean objectively if she only wanted the baby and not him, why tell him? just break off contact with him.

its all very odd....

I would judge both very harshly. I'd kick out my DH immediately and I'd rinse him very throughly.