Would you judge someone who had a baby with a married man?

[bluecar3]

Not a reverse.

I know someone who has had a baby after having an affair with a married man. She went out to get pregnant as she wanted a baby, and he had a wife and children so it's destroyed their lives. The father is not involved at all.

I think the man is a slimeball but I can't help but feel very disapproving of her too. My father had an affair and it would have been devastating if this had resulted in a half sibling too. I wish I wasn't such a judgey cow but we can't help some things can we?

but the pregnancy IS all on him. He chose, for whatever reason, not to use a condom. There is always the chance of pregnancy but the buck stops with the man. Always. absolute bullshit. Yes,he is responsible for his part if he chose not to wear a condom,but if she chose to have sex with a man who wasn’t wearing a condom then she is just as responsible.

If I were in a relationship,even if I were on the pill and didn’t want to get pregnant I’d make bloody sure it didn’t happen not only by taking the pill but also insisting he wear a condom. No condom,no sex,it ain’t that difficult.

Added to which given this man would have been sleeping with both her and his wife she surely would want to protect herself from possible STD’s.

And I don’t see how blaming the OW as well as the man is absolving him of any responsibility. I don’t believe that he is blameless,but equally neither is she. Yes,he is the one with marriage vows but she is the one who is choosing to be complicit in his breaking those vows. It doesn’t matter if he would have gone somewhere else if she’d said no. She didn’t,therefore she is complicit.

"She decided to not abort knowing that her child would cause a World of pain

Why should a woman in position abort her baby just to keep others happy? Despite the circumstances of the conception, her baby is still loved and wanted by HER. Everyone else has absolutely no say in it including the husband and definitely not the wife.

Because it’s a baby which should never have been conceived in the first place.

Obviously her body her choice and all that but she is knowingly and deliberately going to fuck up the life of a child by continuing with a pregnancy.

I know two women who had children by married men.The one was decades ago and she has grown up screwed up as a result,knowing who her siblings were but never being permitted to speak to them.When the father died she was unable to attend his funeral because nobody knew about her even though her father played a part in her life throughout.

The other one was a woman who had a one night stand with a married man and then fell pregnant. The child who is now a teenager has again gone through all sorts of crap. Only finding out recently that her stepdad wasn’t her father after he and his mum split and the mum refusing him access because she’s not his.

If I were in a relationship,even if I were on the pill and didn’t want to get pregnant I’d make bloody sure it didn’t happen not only by taking the pill but also insisting he wear a condom. No condom,no sex,it ain’t that difficult.

Exactly this! Take responsibility for your own contraception - if you, a married father, don’t want children with your mistress then you have three options 1) wear a condom 2) vasectomy 3)abstinence. Those are the options available to men. If you choose to ignore your options and make the contraception 100% the woman you’re shagging’s responsibility then you can’t complain when the pregnancy you took zero steps to prevent is revealed.

I actually can’t believe there are posters arguing about the unfairness of a man removing a condom vs a woman lying about being on the pill, and why they aren’t treated EXACTLY the same. Why not give that two seconds of thought before you start spouting about equality?

Is this Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds by chance?

For what it's worth I judge them both.
The woman for tricking a man into a pregnancy.
The man for cheating on his wife.

All sex (well, apart from same sex) has a risk of pregnancy, even with birth control. Once a woman is pregnant the choice about what to do is 100% hers. That might seem a bit unfair on the man but it's the woman's body, so her say what happens to it. And see above, he took the risk having sex and now also owes a duty of care and financial support to the child. The child didn't ask to be born and is the most innocent of all in this mess, I have no sympathy for the parents.
With regard to sex with a person who's married, well it wasn't the women who made a promise to the wife to be faithful, she hasn't broken any marriage vows.

If she knew he was married, yes I would judge the fuck out of both of them.

In fact this exact situation happened in DH’s immediate family. The repercussions have impacted so many people - the unsuspecting half-siblings in particular - and have had an impact for decades.

So, so selfish and immoral. It’s indefensible on either side IMO.

Interestingly, I believe Carrie S grew up in similar circumstances. So she knew who her father was but he didn’t play much part in her life. She was born when he was already married with children.
Then when she grows up she has an affair with a man who is married with a family, and old enough to be her father ...
It’s messy. All very progressive, etc. But messy nonetheless.

Because it’s a baby which should never have been conceived in the first place.

But the baby has been conceived. If the mother wants her baby then she should be able to keep her baby. No ifs no buts. Pressuring someone to have an abortion is basically forced abortion and that’s more disgusting than cheating. If a woman wants an abortion, fine. If she doesn’t, FINE.

Obviously her body her choice and all that but she is knowingly and deliberately going to fuck up the life of a child by continuing with a pregnancy.

Her baby having a life is obviously more important to her. Why wouldn’t it be the case?

He was furious that she wasn't on the pill? Should have taken care if contraception himself then. He has no right to be furious!

Both are at fault. Him more so for breaking his vows. She is obviously selfish/lacking in empathy for the consequences of her actions on his family.

I wouldn't be able to be friends with either of them in this situation - they've both shown themselves to be thoroughly lacking in loyalty and consideration of others. I feel sorry for the child who is going to be born into this situation.

Your friend could have used a sperm donor, or slept with single men, or found a suitable partner. She opted for the most destructive option knowingly.

Utter nonsense.It takes two to make a pregnancy. No ifs, no buts, two
Of course it's on him. He provided what she needed. She may want to be pregnant but HE is the one who controls whether it happens or not. It's not rocket science
So, whilst, it may take two to make a pregnancy, it only takes one to deny one. Are you really saying that if he chose not to use protection, it is her fault? Like it's her fault for tempting him until he couldn't possibly say no? 🤣
Now, whether they are both selfish, horrible people is a different question and pretty obviously they are.

She chose not to take the pill and to lie about it and to continue with the pregnancy yet it is 100% his fault? What rubbish
Why. Why is it rubbish?
It is a fact that she needs his sperm. Whatever her motivations/wants/beliefs, she cannot fall pregnant without it. She can lie, she can claim ignorance, she can pinpoint the perfect time to conceive, whatever, but without him, it's a no go. If he is stupid enough to have unprotected sex, especially in this situation, how is it NOT on him? There is no baby without his stupidity and selfish actions. He chose not to use a condom knowing full well what the consequences may be. Which include a potential STI for his wife btw.

I really don't get why she could t just used a sperm bank or a single man if she was desperate to get pregnant.

They are both at fault. It's ironic how she wants a child at the cost of another child's happiness. I feel sorry for the baby.

She didn't need HIS sperm though.

I would 100% judge him. As far as she is concerned I would judge her if I knew for sure she had deceived him and knew that he was married.

He didn’t need to give it. But he did.

Absolutely.

I would judge them both and her for getting pregnant on purpose. Despicable.

CJs spot on. Gosh, if only there was a precaution these poor, helpless men who find themselves having affairs, could take to prevent the other woman getting pregnant. That would be so helpful.

She didn't need HIS sperm though

She did need someone so fucking stupid that they'd decide not to use a condom during an illicit romp though

Lucky for her, she found him

Yes

I wonder whether he was spinning her the usual yarn about how the marriage was totally over and they were just still living together for convenience etc, in which case I would place less blame on her for the affair, but to knowingly try to get pregnant without the other person's knowledge or consent is messed up.

but to knowingly try to get pregnant without the other person's knowledge or consent is messed up

Did he not know his dick was inside her without a condom? Poor man.

To be quite frank, I'm too busy living my own life.

To deliberately become pregnant without letting the father in on the decision is low, true. But neither is it exactly outlandish to suggest that when you decide to have unprotected sex then that's the risk you take. If I were the woman's sexual partner then yes, I'd be pissed off. But it is within the father's hands to take that responsibility, if he so chooses.

I'm not interested in going through life casting judgement on people. A good friend of mine once had a concise phrase for this. 'Another fucker's shit'.

Both dirty dogs and yes I'd judge the shit out of them. Poor child.

But why is it all on him. Yes, it’s his responsibility to wear a condom if he doesn’t want the woman to get pregnant,but it is equally her choice to sleep with a man who is not wearing a condom.She has choices too and it’s not up to him to tell her she has to sleep with him without a condom.

And it’s not as if this is a long committed relationship where parties have been together for a long time.He’s married, she knew he was married.They both knew the consequences of unprotected sex,therefore they are both equally responsible to make sure it didn’t happen.

If he didn't want any consequences of his affair then it is on him to protect him and his family (although that's a horse that bolted a looong time ago).

Ultimately for me, if I was the wife in this scenario, I would hate the other woman with all my being right now. I would probably want to blame her and flit through various excuses to minimise my husbands behaviour (she tricked him etc). When the dust settled though it comes down to this - that the man I love and who was supposed to love and respect me above all others, had an affair and sex with another woman. Of his own free will. Knowing he was destroying our family. And who would possibly still be doing so unbeknown to me had it not been for the pregnancy because of course then all bets are off.

The OW and her motivations are actually irrelevant.