to wonder why do we treat picky eaters like their 'naughty'?

[calpolatdawn]

Ive always disagreed with this,making particular eaters as children feel awful and 'the parents made them. that way' maybe because theres ASD in my family we don't have a choice of 'shoving anything infront of them' and making them eat it. Even non ASD people have sensory issues regarding food, its usually smell, texture, taste, is it 'soggy' food or 'lumpy'. As a child i was picky, my mum didn't cook 5 meals she just didn't make things she knew i wouldn't like. and put serving dishes on the table so i picked up what i would eat and left what i wouldn't, there was never ever power fights, when i got older if i was being arsy i was told to make something myself then. And i would. No battles. As an Adult i am still particular more so with fruit than veg, i only eat 2 types of fruit and will to this day not eat lumpy yoghurts. Im not being 'whiny' or difficult, its not easy going through life with aversion to foods and going to a buffet and sighing that you could only eat 3 things. I don't think anyone would choose to be like that. I have 1 child who is like me, and one who isnt and is much more flexible. Is it just me who feels making children feel naughty for being picky eaters is wrong?

The story linked to about the teenager going blind is misleading. The boy involved had ARFID, he wasn't just "picky" or "allowed to do his own thing". He was seeing a doctor for it, which his parents had instigated, but refused to comply with treatments including taking vitamins to replace those missing in his diet.

Unless there's allergies there is no reason for picky eating - and I say this as a parent of an incredibly fussy dd with asd

Good for you but all autistic people are different. I have an autistic child with ARFID and it isn't just a case of letting him be picky, he literally has an aversion to food in the same way that other people have an aversion to eating dog shit, to give a very blunt example.

Thing is, SN aside you can learn to like almost anything, you just need to try it enough times. I used to dislike marmite and green peppers enough to gag when I ate them. I tried tiny portions repeatedly until eventually they didn't taste so vile. They are never going to be my favourite foods but I could eat them if I had to. As a child I was encouraged to do this with any food I didn't like. It took until near adulthood until I could face my most disliked food, but in the meantime I grew to enjoy dozens and dozens of other unfamiliar tastes. Most children go through picky phases. They shouldn't be told they are naughty, clearly, but a pragmatic attitude encouraging a child to keep on trying just a single mouthful of a disliked food is a good idea. Pickiness is not set in stone.

I have to say also, When people say ‘they eat anything’ they usually struggle with their weight more. dh is from a family of ‘oh we will eat anything, you’re so picky!’ And they’re like labradors, they can’t understand why I wouldn’t finish a massive plate of food if I was full. It’s like it’s edible, it gets eaten. I don’t think that’s healthy to be honest, as they struggle to know when to stop and are mostly all quite overweight

I agree, OP. I was very picky as a child, mainly around food textures and smells so sensory stuff. I'm not so bad now, but there are a few things I still cannot eat. Some people just can't eat certain things. For me it's most fish, shellfish and offal, and I simply cannot eat the fat on meat. I'm not keen on lumpy things either. Fortunately I was never forced to eat anything I disliked as a child, and I've never forced my very fussy DS, now a young adult, who's even fussier than me. At home he cooks and eats what he wants and that's fine.

I used to not understand indulging picky eaters. Then I had a dd that just won’t eat anything off her short list. She will gladly be hungry and her weight can’t support that. If we pressure her she gags. It wasn’t u til she was 10 that we got the ASD diagnosis. We have worked with doctors and therapists. None of them have recommended forcing the issue.

Now I just tell people off if they comment on my dd’s eating. I don’t share her diagnosis because that is private. They don’t need to know. They don’t need to know why I cater to her pickiness at this point. They just need to keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.

Ok

So

Monkey brains
That stinky fruit (forget the name)
Locusts
Brawns
A lot of people don't like mussels, oysters
Rotted fish (delicacy in some places)
Etc etc

I bet there's lots of things people don't like.

I also find that I like a lot of foods that I didn't when younger, I think taste buds do change as you grow.

@Purpleartichoke as a kid I was tiny too, In like age 7-8 school skirts in first year of high school, and my best friend was a big girl - and a big eater. Our mums used to chat , my mum saying she wished I’d eat more than a mouthful of something, and her mum saying she wished she’d eat less. It’s ironic really.
I do think puberty can help as the hormone surge causes more hunger.

As a child I was a very picky eater. As an adult I do eat eat more variety but I am still very 'picky'. I have foods I like and foods I dislike (which I imagine everyone does) but I physically can not eat something I don't like. I just can't. I know some people may go to a friends house for dinner and the food is something they don't like but they eat it anyway. I can't do that. I struggle with trying new foods. It's called Neophobia I believe. Fear of new foods. I feel 'safe' with vegetarian foods - possibly because the theory of being afraid of new foods means you are more likely to seek out foods that won't 'poison' you ie bad meat is more likely to cause food poisoning than bad plants. If someone says "just try this it tastes really nice" I can't try it.
At the age of 45 I don't care what people think but I struggled a lot when younger. In adulthood events like work Christmas meals I had to avoid. As a kid I missed a lot like school residential trips.
It's not always a choice to be a 'picky' eater.

I think it's a good thing for most people to learn to eat food that they don't really like. There's a lot of reasons why you might need to do this: to keep healthy, to save money, to be polite, to survive when travelling, and so on. Most children (and adults, tbh) will default to junk food given a free choice, and that's not good for their physical or mental health. It's up to parents to help children have a balanced, healthy diet, which sometimes means eating things you don't much like. It's also a good thing to do because quite often things we think we don't like when we first try them grow on us, and we end up enjoying them.

The problem is that it's quite hard to tell whether someone else just doesn't much like a food and is being fussy about refusing to eat it, or whether they have an actual sensory issue or other aversion to it. It's particularly hard when the person is a child who may not be able to articulate it even to themselves.

So most parents will want to try and encourage wide eating, even of things the child doesn't much like, because that's a good thing for the child's benefit. Plenty of children will refuse to eat their vegetables if they think they'll be allowed to, and then happily fill up later on crisps and biscuits. That's not good parenting. But they'll also somehow try to spot when or if the refusal stems from a bigger problem, in which case of course they don't force it, because that's not good parenting either. It's just really hard, quite often, to tell the difference.

We have worked with doctors and therapists. None of them have recommended forcing the issue

Same here @Purpleartichoke.

Advice from doctor and dietician who see DS is:

• offer two courses at the main meal of the day, which for us is dinner, of the main followed by something basic like fruit or yoghurt with no strings or conditions attached to the second course because it's not a reward, it's one complete meal. The idea is that the child gets enough calories over the two courses and if they refuse one they will at least eat some of the other. It also reinforces the idea that food is neither a reward or a punishment

• every meal should have at least one or two 'safe' foods available so that there isn't ever nothing available to eat and meals should be served family style (shared dishes in the middle of the table and everyone chooses their own) where possible

• never persuade, beg, order, cajole, bargain, etc to encourage eating. Just provide the meal and then take it away at the end of the meal without making it into an issue

• don't reward for food tried/eaten and don't punish for food not tried/eaten

• use a good multivitamin daily and, if tolerated, at least one glass of milk

You have a very wise mum, and you’ve carried that on with your own DC.

Some parents carry on unhealthier family approaches.

@chickedeee while I agree with the majority of your post I raise you a DS who won’t eat chocolate. I have last years Easter eggs as proof.

We have a rule that you must try everything, that’s it. I have to abide by this rule as well as one of DS’s favourite foods I cannot stand but I’ll have a spoonful when I make it for him.

Sometimes pickiness is just pickiness though. I was a picky child. I eat practically everything as an adult.

@NoClarification I absolutely agree.

Good for you but all autistic people are different. I have an autistic child with ARFID and it isn't just a case of letting him be picky, he literally has an aversion to food in the same way that other people have an aversion to eating dog shit, to give a very blunt example and *
Now I just tell people off if they comment on my dd’s eating. I don’t share her diagnosis because that is private. They don’t need to know. They don’t need to know why I cater to her pickiness at this point. They just need to keep their mouths shut and mind their own business.* @KKSlider and @Purpleartichoke thank you for posting that. My DD has ARFID (but not ASD) and the judgement she has faced is very difficult - as per the school chef above who really ought to educate herself- and causes her lots of angst. I'm infuriated by people who are very quick to criticize without bothering to find out the facts.

i think theres a difference between being picky and just getting on with it like me , and being vocally picky, that must drive people insane. the only non carb vegetable my DS will eat is baked beans, so i make sure his side vegetable is always baked beans. its awkward but its better than falling into the habit of no vegetables because its awkward.

People don't understand @Sewingbea, they think it's down to indulgence or bad parenting and it didn't exist back in their day. ARFID has always existed, the only difference between now and back in the day is that we know what it is and we can manage it whereas previously it wasn't visible because you would have children who "wasted away" or who ended up institutionalised and force fed.

I don't see it as naughty but it is annoying. Adults who are picky come across as childish and spoilt to me.

I don't have the money nor the time to pander to people not liking certain foods. I make my family a meal and they either eat it or go without.

soverylost perhaps I should revise it to most picky children eat chocolate'

@KKSlider and @Purpleartichoke exactly what our fabulous dietician has recommended to us and what we have been doing for many years. I've done everything I can not let food become a behavioural issue in this house. DD2 is of the "eat anything" variety of child. If I'd just had children who are like her I'd probably have been a very smug mother..

@calpolatdawn baked beans aren't vegetables. Big hint in the name. Beans and pulses can be great foods, but baked beans are full of sugar.

Haha, that one swings both ways! I have another autistic child who is of the "eat anything" variety - meat, fish, chips, carrots, wallpaper, grass, tumble drier fluff...

Sewingbea I haven’t heard of ARFID but I did specifically exclude ASD. I am not talking about people with disorders but I don’t think you can use the fact a few people have disorders to give people a free pass to just eat whatever takes their fancy with no consideration of the broader value of a varied diet.

Picky eating is unhealthy for the picky eater and a pain in the arse for everyone around them so it’s reasonable for people not to totally turn a blind eye to it!

I think most children should be encouraged to eat most things. I don’t think behaviour judgement should generally be attached to food whether that be finishing everything, choosing not to eat or eating odd combinations.
That said, I wouldn’t pander to fussy children by persuading, cajoling or worrying.
Food is served at mealtimes, eat it or wait until next meal. Works for most children. No fuss, no judgement, no special treatment.