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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to wonder why do we treat picky eaters like their 'naughty'?

466 replies

calpolatdawn · 12/05/2020 18:58

Ive always disagreed with this,making particular eaters as children feel awful and 'the parents made them. that way' maybe because theres ASD in my family we don't have a choice of 'shoving anything infront of them' and making them eat it. Even non ASD people have sensory issues regarding food, its usually smell, texture, taste, is it 'soggy' food or 'lumpy'. As a child i was picky, my mum didn't cook 5 meals she just didn't make things she knew i wouldn't like. and put serving dishes on the table so i picked up what i would eat and left what i wouldn't, there was never ever power fights, when i got older if i was being arsy i was told to make something myself then. And i would. No battles. As an Adult i am still particular more so with fruit than veg, i only eat 2 types of fruit and will to this day not eat lumpy yoghurts. Im not being 'whiny' or difficult, its not easy going through life with aversion to foods and going to a buffet and sighing that you could only eat 3 things. I don't think anyone would choose to be like that. I have 1 child who is like me, and one who isnt and is much more flexible. Is it just me who feels making children feel naughty for being picky eaters is wrong?

OP posts:
ArriettyJones · 12/05/2020 23:23

Rhodri did you read that back before you posted? It sounds like you’re being horribly dismissive of autism.

AravisTarkheena · 12/05/2020 23:24

It’s a luxury to be able to reject food. If you’re hungry enough you’ll eat anything.

I mean sure I’d probably eat a tuna sweet corn baked potato if I was starving but in my day to day life I would just say - ooh sorry if you’re doing tuna so you mind if I just have it with butter or cheese? Because I don’t want to gag (or in one case actually be quite dramatically sick) over what someone has made for me, which seems ruder.

llamaviolet · 12/05/2020 23:25

I don’t count autism as fussiness but for NT people I think it’s reasonable to expect you to at least try things. And yes I do find it childish when adults refuse to do that.

Littlepond · 12/05/2020 23:28

Being fussy is a choice. Fussy adults are so annoying, just eat it for goodness sake.
I get annoyed with my kids got not trying new things. And yes their fussiness makes me cross. Because it is a choice and being a “picky eater” makes life difficult for yourself and everyone involved in your food life.
I want my kids to realise they are choosing to be fussy and to get over it so they don’t have the awkwardness of not liking a meal someone has cooked, the situation where they can’t go out with friends because it’s a restaurant they can’t eat anything, the buffet where they eat nothing.

Being fussy comes from privilege. Because if all we had was rice and chick peas they’d have to bloody eat it.

I don’t punish my kids for being fussy but I reserve the right to feel cross about it and to maintain it is entirely behavioural.

AravisTarkheena · 12/05/2020 23:29

People have eaten cardboard, stones, even dead human bodies when they were trapped and starving to death

Yeah this is what I say when vegetarian guests ask if I can cook their sausages in a different pan.

bookmum08 · 12/05/2020 23:29

Rhodri is it always a luxury to be able to reject food? I remember a news story from I think the Kosovo war. Children were given meals donated by an American charity. The meals were foods that most of the children had never had or never seen cooked that way before. Many of the children apparently struggled to eat them or didn't eat them.
When the war in the former Yugoslavia was happening (in the 90s) I was in my early 20s. I was frightened that a similar war could happen in the UK. One of my biggest fears was what if I was in a situation like a refugee camp where only foods I don't eat would be available. Would I be able to force myself to eat foods I don't like or have never had before? Infact that fear is still there. With covid at the moment I know people are receiving donations of food parcels. Some are a random mix of 'basics' but from pictures I have seen most of what is in these parcels I wouldn't eat. Should I be grateful for one of these should I ever need one? Yes I would be grateful. But it also frightens me that I may one day be in a situation like that. What would I do? What would I eat?
That's what being a 'picky' eater is about sometimes.

Theeighthelephant · 12/05/2020 23:29

People have eaten cardboard, stones, even dead human bodies when they were trapped and starving to death. Regardless of your issues, at some point you will eat anything that’s edible

My 'issues'? Hmm

And I don't know what I'd do if I was starving to death as I've not been in that situation but as a child I was given the choice of foods I cannot stand and no food at all and ended up collapsing.

In any case, in most of the situations de described in this thread people are not starving to death.

ArriettyJones · 12/05/2020 23:30

I don’t count autism as fussiness but for NT people I think it’s reasonable to expect you to at least try things. And yes I do find it childish when adults refuse to do that

But how do you know which adults are on the autistic spectrum and which aren’t?

llamaviolet · 12/05/2020 23:31

@Littlepond I agree with you.

I think fussy adults don’t realise it’s annoying and will of course disagree with others who find it so.

I think if you’re fussy you need to accept that this is going to be irritating for others!

llamaviolet · 12/05/2020 23:32

@bookmum08 sorry hit post by mistake. Was going to say that if you’re so anxious you’re worrying about the kind of scenario you describe then that’s anxiety and I’d suggest some therapy.

Miriel · 12/05/2020 23:32

Those saying it's fine for autistic people but childish/annoying otherwise - you do realise that not every autistic adult you encounter is going to tell you? I find it much easier in RL to tell people I don't know very well that I'm a picky eater than that I'm autistic.

Thewitcher · 12/05/2020 23:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Rhodri · 12/05/2020 23:38

Rhodri is it always a luxury to be able to reject food?
I think it is, yes. If you were literally starving to death you’d even eat non-food items out of desperation. Rejecting food means you’re not starving. For most of human history people have had to eat what’s available or die.

alittlerespectgoesalongway · 12/05/2020 23:39

Being fussy is a choice. Fussy adults are so annoying, just eat it for goodness sake.

You think people should eat things they hate so as not to annoy you?

llamaviolet · 12/05/2020 23:40

@Thewitcher wrong thread?

ArriettyJones · 12/05/2020 23:40

I think fussy adults don’t realise it’s annoying and will of course disagree with others who find it so.

I think if you’re fussy you need to accept that this is going to be irritating for others!

Cuts both ways @llamaviolet - DC1 is an adult and doesn’t feel the need to disclose personal details to judgmental strangers. However, this does mean that DC1’s family and close friends tend to be a bit icy with judgmental twits commenting or monitoring DC1’s food choices and intake.

Similarly DN, who is a recovering anorexic, also doesn’t choose to widely disclose that fact, but has continuing issues around food. DN is also lucky to have protective family and good friends.

Why would you want to look like the nasty piece of work in any of these situations that you can’t possibly be party to?

You could just stick to doing you. Just a thought.

llamaviolet · 12/05/2020 23:40

@alittlerespectgoesalongway you think people aren’t allowed to find things annoying?

ArriettyJones · 12/05/2020 23:43

you think people aren’t allowed to find things annoying?

It’s reasonable to find things like nosiness and judgmental people annoying.

Finding other people’s disabilities and medical conditions to be annoying (or any of your business) is clearly much less reasonable.

Notso · 12/05/2020 23:44

...for NT people I think it’s reasonable to expect you to at least try things. And yes I do find it childish when adults refuse to do that.

Why does what others eat bother you?
I understand why parents worry about what their children eat or that you'd be worried about an adult in your life with an eating disorder.
I don't understand why some people care whether I try foods or not. What do you get from it?

llamaviolet · 12/05/2020 23:45

Actually, I think people are allowed to feel annoyed even if something is due to a disability. Something can be caused by a disability and also be inconvenient or annoying.

I have a disability that can cause inconvenience and I would never dream of dictating how other people FEEL.

How they ACT is another matter. I’m not saying anyone should have a go at fussy eaters but you can’t expect people to never feel annoyed as some people might do.

LisaSimpsonsbff · 12/05/2020 23:46

I'm sure that this isn't a universal rule - anecdote is not data and all that - but every adult fussy eater I've ever known has been a very unadventurous person in general and tbh I do find that a very off-putting trait. I once went on a date with a man who revealed he only ate plain meat and bland carbs - no veg, no spices, no sauces, no flavour! - and would therefore not consider eating anywhere except a pub or a burger restaurant and I knew then that he was not for me.

ArriettyJones · 12/05/2020 23:47

How they ACT is another matter. I’m not saying anyone should have a go at fussy eaters but you can’t expect people to never feel annoyed as some people might do.

Why?

Aren’t there better ways to use your mental energy?

hollyhopscotch · 12/05/2020 23:49

I agree with @LisaSimpsonsbff.

PickAChew · 12/05/2020 23:50

I don't eat chocolate. OK, I might nibble on some, but I risk throwing it up, again.

One of my picky eaters had a massive meltdown because I baked him a cake, once.

bookmum08 · 12/05/2020 23:52

"llamaviolet* at the moment I am fine with food - eating what I know I like and not caring what other people think anymore. Obviously the situations I mentioned above are quite extreme. Saying I sometimes feel frightened about what I would do if I was in some type of refugee camp is (thankfully/hopefully) unlikely. It's really just one is those deep in my brain thoughts along with what would I do if I end up in a terrorism incident or my flat on fire type thing. Thanks for the thought. I have come to terms with my weird food 'issues'.
I do think though that those saying it is being childish to not eat certain foods and annoying if you have to cater for that is a bit mean really. If you are making food for family or friends why would you even consider making something that you know they don't/can't eat? Why? Why would you do something so cruel to people you presumably like/love. What pleasure would you get watching someone with something they really don't want to eat and having them force it down. That's a horrible thing to do to a person.