to wonder why do we treat picky eaters like their 'naughty'?

[calpolatdawn]

Ive always disagreed with this,making particular eaters as children feel awful and 'the parents made them. that way' maybe because theres ASD in my family we don't have a choice of 'shoving anything infront of them' and making them eat it. Even non ASD people have sensory issues regarding food, its usually smell, texture, taste, is it 'soggy' food or 'lumpy'. As a child i was picky, my mum didn't cook 5 meals she just didn't make things she knew i wouldn't like. and put serving dishes on the table so i picked up what i would eat and left what i wouldn't, there was never ever power fights, when i got older if i was being arsy i was told to make something myself then. And i would. No battles. As an Adult i am still particular more so with fruit than veg, i only eat 2 types of fruit and will to this day not eat lumpy yoghurts. Im not being 'whiny' or difficult, its not easy going through life with aversion to foods and going to a buffet and sighing that you could only eat 3 things. I don't think anyone would choose to be like that. I have 1 child who is like me, and one who isnt and is much more flexible. Is it just me who feels making children feel naughty for being picky eaters is wrong?

exactly vocally picky eaters would annoy anyone, you have to be polite.

Overthinker1988 I’m sorry you went through that, but I also think that sounds really difficult for the adults trying to get you to eat...

Maybe they shouldn't have force fed her then...

I’ve been musing on whether you have to like everything you eat. On the one hand, sure, we all want to enjoy our food and as an adult you are obviously free to choose what you eat.

But children won’t necessarily make sensible choices about what to eat (like only eating jam sandwiches) and it’s perhaps not doing them any favours to discourage them from trying food they don’t like / expecting to always love everything they eat, when sometimes for practical reasons you might need to eat something you don’t find delicious (just as you also need to teach them that they can’t have fun all the time and might need to do things they find tedious). Sure, in an ideal world we would all eat nothing but food we love. But that may not be practical, and if you can encourage them to to eat - or at least try - things they’re not so keen on, that could be useful for them.

I don’t think any child should be made to feel so anxious about food that they’d rather not try to eat at all. But I must confess that some of the behaviour described on this thread does seem quite ‘naughty’ to me (eg throwing school dinners in the bin).

If I’m totally honest, I genuinely never considered that anyone really could find it hard to eat very many foods and have generally assumed that being that picky is a choice if it’s not caused by a disability - that you could eat more if you tried. So this thread has taught me a few things.

But I do wonder if you were born fussy or if it could have been avoided. I just don’t see how I would have ever got away with it as a child if I had been as fussy as some of you describe, so I guess I should be glad I’m not.

Apologies if I offend anyone, that isn’t my intention.

@Thewitcher I can understand someone being increasingly exasperated with a child who throws away food they can’t afford.

I don’t think force feeding is ok!

@june2007 yes I probably was (luckily no long term effects that I know of and I'm very healthy now).
But my point was it wouldn't have got to that point if I'd just been left to it instead of food being made into a big issue. It's not even like I started off being OTT fussy. For example I didn't want to eat red meat with fat on but I liked chicken and fish. I didn't like milk but I liked cheese. And I liked most vegetables, just not overcooked (as they often were). If I'd just been allowed to eat on my own terms I'd have been fine and still had a varied diet, instead of the inflexible "you'll eat what you're given or else" which just put me off eating altogether.

@bagpusscatpuss It can't have been easy for them no, but the whole situation was created by forcing me to eat things I didn't like/eat more than I could comfortably fit in my stomach. When I was old enough to have control over my diet these issues gradually disappeared. Some people are just fussy for life though. I don't think they can help it, you can't make yourself like something.

I find it very hard in that I have what apparently is a small appetite. I love food, I cannot eat a huge amount in one sitting, particularly if I've been ill, am ill, or are very stressed.

I get to a certain point, and if I try to eat another mouthful, it's all going to go the wrong way - up the tube, not down it.

Because some 'picky eaters' are using it as a means of control.

#1: Every meal had to have no less than three items, not including salad, which was 'just a fucking garnish'. Egg & Chips was 'filth', but Sausage, egg & chips or Egg, chips & beans, Ham, Egg & Chips were all permissible. anything even slightly deviating from his norm was 'shit' and rejected. The plate of food tipped on the floor because it had Romanesco instead of standard Cauliflower was an example. As was throwing away an entire leg of lamb because there was a small piece of fat on somebody else's plate and the sandwiches snatched and thrown out of the window because one had a tiny section of the round bit of a tomato instead of just perfect slices. Chile con Carne was liked, but if it was with rice, it was binned due to the absence of chips. But chicken in sweet and sour sauce had to be with rice and at least half a jar of the sauce poured over the top. Highlight was going through the cupboards and throwing out tins of tuna, then binning all Scampi, wet fish and prawns because he didn't like it so wasn't 'going to allow it in the house'. Is now strangely 'allergic' to anything he doesn't want and wibbles about toxins and poisons in the things he is 'allergic' to, right up to the point at which he decides he isn't allergic (usually when he meets a new girlfriend).

#2: 'I don't eat Pki, Cn or Wg food'. This included garlic, ginger, chili, curry, Christmas cake once he realised that you put spices in it, pasta, rice, ginger cake only once his Mum slipped up and said the slices of 'cake' he'd been eating for 20 years were ginger cake, Chinese, fritters if you called them by a foreign name and barbecue lamb if it was put on a skewer to cook like in a kebab shop before removing the skewer to put it on a plate - would say how great it was if he hadn't seen a skewer involved. Had a tendency to roll in drunk eating a large Doner with garlic, lemon and extra hot chilli sauce and definitely came home with curry sauce down his shirt a couple of times.

3# Small child. Ate tomato at one meal, as had always happened. Next meal 'I don't like tomatoes'. Don't eat them then. 'I want a biscuit'. There aren't any. Next meal 'I don't like pasta'. Don't eat it then. 'I want a biscuit'. There aren't any. Next day (eats Broccoli regularly, friend at school says they don't like it) 'I don't like Broccoli'. Broccoli not put on plate. 'What's that? I don't like it'. How do you know you don't like it? Silence. 'Can I have a biscuit?'. There aren't any. 'I'm hungry. Can I have sweeties?'. There aren't any. There are yoghurts, though. 'But I want sweeties'. Would you like a biscuit? 'No. I don't like biscuits. I want sweeties'. We haven't got any. 'Can I have my lunch, then?' Yeah, fine, here you are. (eats tomatoes, pasta, cheese chunks and everything else, including taking some broccoli when offered).

4# What's that? (Chicken Goujons) Ewwwwwwww, don't like that. What's that? (Long Chicken Nuggets) Oh, I like chicken nuggets. None of that fancy muck, stick to what you know, that's what I always say. Would eat vast amounts of curry if led to believe that it came out of a jar instead of being made from fresh, including 'Bombay Potatoes' (otherwise known as Potato Curry, as it went nowhere near a packet of Schwartz). Threw a tantrum once because he was given a ham sandwich after declaring he 'wouldn't eat THAT muck' when pork with oven roasted Mediterranean vegetables was being prepared. Turned out that he wanted the nice food after all. Too late, sunshine, it's been eaten by less fussy people than you.

None of these people had ASD or any other diagnosed condition. Small child is allowed leeway, as peer influence is obviously playing a part. GM still described her as a picky eater who 'can only eat biscuits and sweets, the poor love'. But the adult males - it was absolutely about control (plus an element of racism) and wanting to be pandered to.

my sister was a choosy 'picky' eater. She was just being fussy and bratty. She wouldn't eat a cheese and tomato sandwich but would eat a cheese pizza, for example. She would kick and scream at the thought of eating cheese but would happily scoff the pizza!!!

my sister was a choosy 'picky' eater. She was just being fussy and bratty. She wouldn't eat a cheese and tomato sandwich but would eat a cheese pizza, for example. She would kick and scream at the thought of eating cheese but would happily scoff the pizza!!!

She might well have been picky and she might well have been a brat but cheese pizza does not taste like a cheeses and tomato sandwich or have the same texture, so this is a slightly bonkers comparison.

I've got one daughter that will not eat a raw tomato but will happily eat cooked tomato. The other will not eat anything with slices of cooked tomato.

One doesn't get served raw tomato (it's one of her two 'get out of jail free' foods from when she was ditty), and the other is more than capable of picking off any slices of cooked tomato if it appears on her plate.

On the other hand - all greens must go. Plus carrots. I don't give a crap what you do with your spuds and your protein, but greens and carrots must go.

Given they tend to really like their protein, (not so much their spuds), all greens, carrots, and protein generally goes.

We also try to ensure that the food is good quality, well cooked, a sensible portion, and there is always stuff they like. As a result (I flatter myself) they eat a very good selection of meats, fruits and vegetables, with a huge variety of cuisines.

redwinefine yes a cheese and tomato pizza would be a cooked base with tomato sauce and melted hot cheese. A cheese and tomato sandwich would be actual tomatoes - which can make the bread soggy and solid hard cold cheese. Two very different food sensations.

PP had it right: we treat picky eating as an issue when it's clear a child is trying to use it as a way to control things they should not yet have control over, and are not responsible enough to control.

A child who genuinely has aversions to specific known textures and foods should be gently encouraged to expand their palate. A child who begs for chicken on a night when you're having beef, but the next week refuses to eat the same kind of chicken and insists on pasta, but when pasta is served 2 days later throws a screaming fit that they want to just eat bread and butter....that child gets treated like they're being naughty and controlling and a PITA. Because they are.

So much of picky eating is parenting though. Eve some of those with food aversions or "sensory" issues. They like beige bland food because that's what they were given. Babies weaned on jars of baby food instead of fresh food, children given lots bland things like nuggets, chips, white bread,breakfast cereal from a young age because they are "children's foods" , feeding children separate to adults so they don't eat the same food (proper meals that taste of Something). The belief that children don't like veg or actual meals that aren't breaded and poked in the oven.

@bookmum08 she was happy enough to eat it when I told her (when I was 8) it was a butter and tomato sandwich (ie lied that the cheese was butter) she ate it with no fuss.

Nearly all the fussy eaters I have met have been a pain in many other ways as well.

I weaned my dc on fresh food Purées and finger foods. By 2 they’d been eating really well (Although none ate dairy and they always despised yogurt and custard and soup, anything of that thick wet texture). We were patting ourselves on the back at how well we’d done. At 2 years old exactly for both ds1 and ds2 they started restricting their diet and eating only dry food. They’d never tasted chips or nuggets or things like that.

Now their food restrictions are ridiculous and they will only eat my homemade pizza or hot dogs for dinner so we alternate that every single day. Dry pancakes for breakfast and dry wraps, hula hoops and peperami for lunch. They will eat digestives or rich tea biscuits but not much else. I ended up throwing their Easter eggs away. The weird thing is they are really tall. I don’t know what they grow on.

Dd on the other hand eats most things (Still nothing puddingy or creamy) and she was weaned and fed exactly the same way. She only eats apples, watermelon, grapes and banana.

They all only drink water too, occasionally ds2 will have coke or lemonade. No juice. It’s definitely a texture not taste thing with them.

redwinefine was it cheese spread rather that a slice of cheese/grated cheese? (As you fibbedit was 'butter')
Cheese spread is quite tasteless compared to actual cheese. Which could be why she ate it? I can't see how else you could pretend cheese is butter.

Daphnise most 'foodies' I know are kinda annoying and a bit of a pain to me because they are such snobs that would stick their nose up at eating something like some chicken bought at Iceland rather than an organic one (they'd eat it but say something patronising about it) or saying things like "you shouldn't give your child petit flous became it's full of sugar - why don't you give them plain yoghurt" or "this lasagna is nice - oh wait - you used jars. You can make your own sause you know" etc etc. They prattle on about food more than me (the fussy one).

I've been thinking (a dangerous thing at times )
I used to work in a care home, and the elderly residents would often start talking about how "fussy kids are these days" and "wouldn't have been allowed when we were kids" and then the war and rationing, so even less choice.
Only they were actually some of the fussiest people I've met. They'd send meals back to the kitchen because the toast was too brown/not brown enough. Egg yolk wasn't the right amount of runny. Chef used butter not marge/marge not butter, "these aren't prawns, they're shrimp", veg over/undercooked, soup too hot/cold, "why have they put corned beef on the menu, its not the war". one resident regularly had cereal for dinner because she didn't like anything on the menu (usually a choice of 2 mains, plus any sandwich/toast topping/jacket potato.

Now I'm not saying they arent allowed to complain, they certainly pay enough to live there, but to tell me kids these days are too fussy and then complain about almost anything seemed a little hypocritical

My Grandmother won't eat anything 'foreign'. Including garlic bread and pasta.

DS2 (my very much not fussy eater) went through a phase of rejecting any Chinese food. If we called it Oriental he would eat it. Weird child. He loves Chinese now

Eve some of those with food aversions or "sensory" issues. They like beige bland food because that's what they were given

It is not as simple as this and again, this is someone presuming it is down to poor or ignorant parenting when it's not.

Imagine you have a baby who will eat nothing you offer, absolutely none of it, and your baby is living on just milk despite being too old for a milk-only diet. So you keep offering as many different foods as you can and when you find a food they like you make sure that you offer it as often as possible alongside the other foods so that they are at least eating something. Even now, there will always be safe foods on offer at mealtimes and they will be the only foods DS eats. His dietician has said to keep making other foods available but that it's basically an empty gesture as he's unlikely to change. DS has lots of bland foods because they are the foods, out of the wide variety on offer, that he prefers and that he eats. It is literally those foods or nothing. DS was weaned in exactly the same way as my other three DC, none of whom have the same restrictive diet and food aversions.

As discussed earlier in the thread, many people with sensory aversions prefer bland food as it doesn't cause negative sensory reactions, it's easy to chew and swallow, and there are no unexpected surprises.

DS aversions are related to texture and flavour, he also has strict rules around presentation and how they're prepared/cooked.

@KKSlider I am admiring your persistence in continuing to post. I despair at all the ignorant, smug and frankly rude people on this post. They are very lucky that their child wasn't born with sensory issues or a food aversion. I weep for my poor DD who has to face the judgement of so many because they're not able to open their mind to the possibility that there might be a more serious issue. @Celerysam and @Daphnise I really don't have time to explain again because I'm getting up to go to work but if you're prepared to expand your world view a little Google ARFID.

I have a very fussy child with SEN. I always make sure half her plate is safe food (ie plain pasta not too sticky) and then the other half is whatever I've cooked. I don't do pressuring her to eat but it gives her a safety blanket.

That’s nowt to do with being a fussy eater, that’s being a rude prick.

I disagree. He was definitely rude but also what I would class as a picky / fussy eater.

I’m surprised she allows the food on her plate Frustrated. None of mine will have the food near them and even struggle if someone else is eating foods they don’t like. Baked beans for example cannot be in the same room as ds1 as he gags at the sight and smell of them.

It’s a source of real anxiety for them and a real hinderance on their lives. They can’t have free school lunch with their friends. They don’t get invited for play dates often or if they do they stress about it. They won’t go to forest school where they cook their dinner. Parties are stressful and we have to take a packed lunch. They don’t eat Christmas dinner or any celebration family meals. It’s one of the biggest disappointments and sadnesses I feel for them. They won’t have all the happy memories that most children have around food. For me and H that is what we remember most about happy childhood/family memories.