to wonder why do we treat picky eaters like their 'naughty'?

[calpolatdawn]

Ive always disagreed with this,making particular eaters as children feel awful and 'the parents made them. that way' maybe because theres ASD in my family we don't have a choice of 'shoving anything infront of them' and making them eat it. Even non ASD people have sensory issues regarding food, its usually smell, texture, taste, is it 'soggy' food or 'lumpy'. As a child i was picky, my mum didn't cook 5 meals she just didn't make things she knew i wouldn't like. and put serving dishes on the table so i picked up what i would eat and left what i wouldn't, there was never ever power fights, when i got older if i was being arsy i was told to make something myself then. And i would. No battles. As an Adult i am still particular more so with fruit than veg, i only eat 2 types of fruit and will to this day not eat lumpy yoghurts. Im not being 'whiny' or difficult, its not easy going through life with aversion to foods and going to a buffet and sighing that you could only eat 3 things. I don't think anyone would choose to be like that. I have 1 child who is like me, and one who isnt and is much more flexible. Is it just me who feels making children feel naughty for being picky eaters is wrong?

Food is not just nutrients although every meal is about appreciating something that’s keeping you alive at the end of the day. Having an allergy, type 1 diabetes or coeliacs disease is something that could potentially kill you. I’m sure those picky eaters are grateful for choices.

It’s also about being social and appreciation of the fact that someone’s cooked something to share with you and that the environment has provided you with something to eat . Literally everyone has food they won’t eat for their own reasons but to pretend it’s anything but being self indulgent is wrong. Just be honest that not liking the milky sauce or the skin on tomatoes or tinned beans is down to you and not that everyone needs to understand you.

@hebelmumsnet I am now triggered after have to pick the spots out of spotted dick at primary school.

I can see both sides of this.
DS has some sensory issues that turned out to be to do with his autism. I'm so glad I didn't make an issue of it.
DD will eat anything but occassionally decides to hang a power struggle off it. I absolutely put my foot down with her.

Obviously no-one could begrudge someone with a condition or specific needs from eating a restrictive diet.
That’s clearly not the case. Maybe you don’t (which is good, obviously) but plenty do.

To the people saying picky eaters piss them off, that they hate them, that they ruin meals - go fuck yourself. We don't want to be friends with judgemental cunts like you anyway.

I'm a 'picky eater' - which is not 'I only eat junk food' despite what some ignorant people think. I just know what I like and am a grown woman who isn't going to force myself to pretend to enjoy something I know I do not.

I actually eat most meat and vegetables but dont like when you drown those things in pepper and sauces. If you cook them properly they taste good without it.

He wouldn't try anything except the homemade pita bread whilst complaining it wasn't as nice as his usual white sliced and poking at the other dishes with a sneer/grimace asked how the rest of us could possibly eat it - just rude.

This is the type of behaviour most people are referring to when they discuss picky or fussy eaters. Not people with health conditions that mean they cannot eat a wide range of foods.

If kids are hungry surely they will eat
Nope even now, if so something is the wrong texture I don't feel like it, I just won't eat. I do not force food down.

It’s good manners to try something even if you’re not sure you will like it

What's better manners,
knowing what you like or not and being confident enough to say so or eating something you know probably wo nt go down well based on the texture look or smell and visibly gagging once it hits your mouth, possibly (more than likely) needing to spit out whatever is in my mouth?

Could we maybe acknowledge that life can be really difficult if you can’t or won’t eat many foods, but also acknowledge that this can impact those around you - I’m sorry if that’s hard to hear, but it seems a little unrealistic to suggest it would have zero impact on anyone around you. Of course it’s going to affect what other people are able to cook or serve you, or to a group you’re in.

I think the real issue isn’t what you do or don’t eat, but manners and etiquette around food as has been mentioned. If you have narrower preferences, that can sometimes dictate what everyone else has.

I do think it must suck being anxious or afraid of trying new foods. On the other hand, DH is a fussy eater and says he doesn’t feel he’s missing out as he doesn’t get why people would enjoy trying new foods. But he also tries more foods now anyway, as I’ve encouraged him to give it a go.

On the topic of how to parent fussy eaters, I don’t really understand people who say ‘don’t punish, just take the food away again’ - aren’t you punishing them by removing the food, then?

I don’t really understand why people would remove food to make other food more appealing. It doesn’t work with weight loss diets and with fussy eaters it’s in their heads rather than hunger issues.

The way forward is to associate food with something positive. Whether that’s food in funny faces for toddlers, or staying up late for grown up food or that all the cool kids at school eat sushi. Well you get the point.

This is the type of behaviour most people are referring to when they discuss picky or fussy eaters.

That’s nowt to do with being a fussy eater, that’s being a rude prick.

On the topic of how to parent fussy eaters, I don’t really understand people who say ‘don’t punish, just take the food away again’ - aren’t you punishing them by removing the food, then?

You don't take it away if they're eating it, it's at the end of the meal when you're tidying up.

So you serve the food at say 5pm, you have the meal as normal and allow a reasonable amount of time for it - 30-40 minutes is generally long enough for a normal mealtime. At the end of the meal, when you're clearing everything up, you take your child's plate away with the others without comment on how much or how little they've eaten and without telling them the plate is staying on the table until they've finished their carrots or had five more bites or tasted the sauce or whatever.

Obviously though if they were still eating you would leave their plate with them, the above applies to a plate that is finished with either because they've had their fill or they've rejected it outright.

Eat what you like, I don't really care, but if I'm cooking for you and you're being a picky pain in the ass then it does annoy me. Obviously it's different if there's allergies or conditions like coeliac etc, but otherwise it's just frustrating. My mother is a prime example, incredibly fussy and won't eat pasta, rice or anything spicy and refuses to even try. It's a complete carry on, very childish and I can't be doing with it. She will actually sulk if it's anything other than a plain roast dinner made for her.
Other times when dining out with friends who cultivate lots of made up intolerances and have to entirely change what's on the menu to cater to their whims - I just find it so attention seeking.!

PrettyTricky for me (a picky/fussy eater) I have no desire for it to be attention seeking. You wouldn't have to change what you want to cook for me (if I was your guest). I wouldn't make you do that. If needs be I would bring something of my own I could zap in a microwave. Someone going on and on at me with "why don't you just try a bit, how do you know you don't like it if you never try it, ooh this is delicious you don't know what you're missing, just try it, try it, try it" is far more attention seeking than you just getting on with your meal and leaving me be with my microwave macaroni cheese.

My mother is a prime example, incredibly fussy and won't eat pasta, rice or anything spicy and refuses to even try. It's a complete carry on, very childish and I can't be doing with it. She will actually sulk if it's anything other than a plain roast dinner made for her.

Ugh. My mother is like that too. Even things she's never tried. Nice things, like garlic bread or a mild curry. All she'll say to these suggestions is 'no' (coupled with a look that suggests that you've offered her tripe stew) and then look really sulky. I think she's got a borderline personality disorder.

So many downright incorrect statements on this thread.
It's not true that fussy eating is a first world problem or that if you were hungry you'd eat anything. I grew up in a poor country, at times we were so broke there was nothing in the fridge. I was still a fussy eater.
I was fine to begin with (at home) but when I started nursery they had a clear your plate policy, no choices and you couldn't get up from the table until you'd finished the food, sometimes they'd spoon it into your mouth too, I remember that vividly.
I don't have ASD but some tastes and textures make me gag or throw up... for example the "skin" on top of hot sauces that have cooled, the cream on milk, fat on meat, soggy cereal, and I also couldn't stomach red meat or the taste of overcooked/reheated chicken or turkey as a child (still can't, with the latter).
So at nursery if some of this was present I'd be scolded for not eating it and spoon-fed, and then I'd just sit with the food in my cheeks long after everyone had finished, forbidden from leaving the table.
I also did better with frequent small meals and snacks, hated the feeling of being too full and could never finish the portions that others felt I should be eating.
The effect was that I developed an aversion to eating in general, even foods I liked. When a plate was put in front of me I'd get this mental block about it, a bit like mild anxiety...I'd be anxious that I couldn't eat it all, so would procrastinate and just play with the food instead. Even when my parents were at their most broke I'd turn my nose up at the only food there was in the house, bin my school dinners and go whole days without a proper meal.
Now, I wasn't starving to death, obviously that would be different and I'd have had to just eat the food, but I wasn't well nourished either, was very underweight, prone to fainting and just didn't feel hunger, or if I felt it it didn't really register that I should do something about it.
I gradually grew out of this and started to eat more and now I eat almost everything (although I still struggle with certain textures), but I got over the fussiness in my own time, when I was just left alone as opposed to having someone constantly observing me, cajoling and commenting on how fussy and skinny I am.
IMO kids should be introduced to different foods and obviously shouldn't be left to just eat things they want like chips and chocolate, but I don't agree with the "you'll eat what you're given, there are kids starving in Africa" mentality either. If they're fussy then making a big deal about it and forcing the issue just makes it worse.

Overthinker you raise valid points, but the fact you were fainting sounds like you were malnourished and this can have long term effects. (eg periods, bone density, eyesight.)

Maybe if your DM had put more effort into encouraging you to try different foods you wouldn't be sighing at the lack of food you can will eat at buffets.

Have you even bothered to read the thread?

JRUIN what purpose would that serve,? it wouldnt make me more likely to try just more resentful.

Not RTFT and I think I'm repeating some that I have seen but it does depend on what is meant by picky. I had a friend growing up who would only eat jam sandwiches. At least that was easy to put together and she wouldn't expect others to eat the same. She has gotten a lot better over the years and actually tried things now!

My DDs don't like blackberries. My DH and I love them so we buy them for us but don't make the girls eat them. One DD doesn't like blueberries either. They're tried the fruits a few times and just genuinely don't like them bit they eat all the other fruit in the house. Same with veggies, one DD and my DH don't like broccoli and cauliflower raw. My other DD and I love them so I think ahead about how to make sure everyone gets things split up for lunches (we do a lot of sandwiches and raw veggies/fruit for lunches right now).

Nobody but me likes spice in this house. So we make mild curries and chillies and I had the spice to my own to get it the way we all want it.

But one DD is picky when it comes to new stuff. She's only 4 and slowly increasing what she eats. We have a rule that three mouthfuls are tried. If after that she doesn't like it then she doesn't have to eat it. Then a couple of months later we will try it again. No point pressuring her but I'm not pandering to pickiness and letting one person dictate a small list of food for no reason.

Genuine dislike fine. Allergies/SN fine. But refusing to try something is just annoying. There really is a difference.

@Overthinker1988 I’m sorry you went through that, but I also think that sounds really difficult for the adults trying to get you to eat...

I had a work colleague who delighted in food battles with her poor children, even as she sighed her maternal martyred frustration.

She force fed them. She served them up what they didn't eat the night before for breakfast, then for lunch, then for tea.

Thing was, she was an incredibly shit cook. I would be gagging just hearing what she was serving.

I'd be tempted to starve myself rather than eat the slop she called food, if I were her child.

I despaired of the issues she was setting up for her children with food.

Any suggestions of alternative approaches - nope, it was far too much fun doing it this way. Her nasty bullying ways at work carried over into her parenting.

I'm a very picky eater and have been all my life. I was made to eat everything when I was a child, sat for hours at the dinner table until I finished my dinner.

I'm perfectly happy to try new foods I just don't like many. I would love to like more types of food and am really jealous of people who enjoy a wide range food. My dh gets cross with me but I can't help it if I don't like something.

I don't however make a fuss about what I don't like and if I'm a guest I will eat what I'm given even if I hate it just to be polite.

I agree. As a child, I was told "I always eat what meals I cook". It dawned on me, later on, that my mum was hardly going to cook meals she didn't like

But, at every dinnertime, there was always one of us kicking off because we were forced to eat something we didn't like. The same with school lunch; I hated fish paste...you better believe that every school sandwich I was given had some sort of paste in...why? It's not like my mum couldn't afford to make me an alternative.

We all have preferences. I think it's wrong to continually force a child to eat something they do not like. Yes, even if it's a certain vegetable! And to force them to finish what's on their plate.

Imagine being in a relationship with someone who forced you to finish your tea, or who forced you to eat something you didn't like, over and over again We would say it was all kinds of fucked up...

As it happens, as an adult, I do now eat a couple of things that I detested as a child. Again, mum says it is still me being awkward. No, perhaps my taste has changed. As there are now things that I used to eat as a child, that I would not touch how; Weetabix being one of them.