Help me with my ‘good time’ DH

[Jigglypuff89]

Hi all,

I’m really struggling with my DHs behaviour and lockdown seems to have amplified it. I’m quite an organised, methodical, boring person and when we met, I was attracted to DHs spontaneity and ‘good time’ attitude. I felt he really enriched my world as I’m bad at letting go.

10 years down the line I’m at breaking point. We have 3 DC, aged 7, 5 and 3 and he applies this who cares’ attitude to every aspect of our lives and I feel like I’m constantly picking up the slack. Worse still, as the children get older, they associate him with a good time and me with boring old chores. Finally, I feel I have to be almost more rigid to compensate for his choices.

For example, with the kids I can’t ask him to do a single thing and get it done. He has never turned up to a parents evening or a school play, even if he’s promised. I once made the mistake of not taking time off on the assurance he would attend parents evening, in the end I had to rearrange and attend another day. He will never ever ask the children to tidy, or do their homework or make their beds etc. I’ve tried really hard to hold firm and to lower my expectations. As an example, when my youngest was a baby, I’d ask him to do bedtime with the older two. He wouldn’t brush their teeth, wouldn’t remind them to wee, wouldn’t even put them in pjs!! So I thought, I can’t let the children suffer but I don’t want to let him do nothing. So I started brushing their teeth, dressing them for bed/ toileting and then passing them to him. He wouldn’t read them a bedtime story but I know that’s not essential (like teeth brushing) so I didn’t mention it, I make sure we read and snuggle during the day. However, he would just put them in bed and not stop them from talking / playing or hand them his phone if asked. They were only little and needed to be told to go back in bed. The result was the kids would be up far too late and impossible to get to bed, they’d behave poorly the next day and I still wouldn’t get an evening. Whenever we talked about it he’d promise to do better. He’s never nasty or mean or horrible with it, just everything has to be fun and easy. The kids associate nasty mummy with forcing them to go to bed and daddy as the fun parent.

This is just one example but it happens in every single area of our lives. I just can’t figure out how to get around it? I hate to say I’ve considered it but I think even separating wouldn’t help, as he’ll still be as lax when he has them. Has anyone coped with this?

Tbh he doesn’t sound like a ‘good time’ he sounds lazy, disengaged and neglectful.

He sounds like a n annoying twat. He isn’t fun, he’s a lazy bastard and I bet I’d you left him life would be so much easier not having to parent him as well as the kids. He can be fun time dad 50% of the time if he wants, but I doubt he would bother.

He sounds like a terrible father - sorry.

I honestly couldn't be with somebody whose parenting styles differed so greatly from mine. By that, I mean I couldn't be with a man who was such an utterly crap parent. He won't change - why should he? So you have to tolerate it for the next 15ish years or leave.

He sounds set up to be a Disney dad already. He might do more on his contact weekends as he will know you aren't there to do it - clearly you are default parent just now.

He sounds appalling - lazy and a shit father.

I don’t know if I’m explaining it well, he just cares about the immediate present, if that makes sense. So if I ask him to sort dinner for the kids, without fail he’ll just pick up his phone and order food. But generously, as in he’ll order something everyone likes, order for me etc, not nastily. But I don’t want them eating McDonalds (or whatever is available) every time I’d like a break from cooking, as if that’s what I wanted I could have ordered myself! Then the kids associate daddy with lovely treat food and I feel I have to cook even more healthily to correct for the junk. I’m at my wits end.

He's neglectful. I doubt he'd want the kids very much if you separated so I would.

What’s the point of him? He sounds pathetic. Can’t believe you had sex with him at least 3 times. Yuck.

God, he's awful. What a waste of time he is. He's completely neglectful of anyone but himself.

What sort of impact does his behaviour have on you? Does he take care of you? Buy you thoughtful Christmas and birthday presents? Plan nice things for you to do? I very much doubt it.

He's happy to play the big guy when it comes to ordering treats, then. Does he earn a lot more than you or is he doing that with your money?

He sounds horrific!

Does he do anything with them at all? Even if it is nice stuff? I mean, even if he took them out somewhere fun for the day there is still the feeding and looking after aspect of the day to cover.

I cannot imagine having to share parenting with someone so incredibly frustrating.

What does he say when you have spoken to him in the past? I mean how can someone justify not cleaning teeth, wearing pyjamas etc? The mind boggles.

You know that just as you thought you'd chosen someone who'd bring something extra to your life, he chose you for that reason, too. Only he chose you because he knew you would do all of the emotional and physical work around being an adult and a parent, leaving him free to live his Peter Pan existence.

Is he flattered by attention from friends?

Leave him when this is all over. Seriously.

Have you vocalised just how much if bothers you? Are you compatible as a couple in any ways?

I agree with pp he doesn’t sound like good time dad he sounds like a lazy git.
Brushing teeth putting on pjs can be made fun he just don’t want to do it.

@notforonesecond more than three times

I don't have much advice re. his behaviour, but don't let it get you down that he is seen as the 'fun parent'. They're just kids and they don't understand yet but they will come to appreciate the structure, rules and care you have given them and when they're older they will see through the disney act.

@HollowTalk
I think you’re right, he did choose me because I am boring and structured and organised

In your dh’s defence, you knew what he was like when you married him and had children with him.
If he’s a ‘live for the moment and sod everything else ‘ kind of guy then that won’t change .
You do need to have a serious talk with him but sounds like it won’t solve anything if he’s set in his ways .

@HollowTalk yes, he does treat me and the kids and make plans, loved to buy gifts, he’s very good at one off and fun things but rubbish at the every day things which really matter to me

A total Peter Pan, which is wholly unattractive and untenable in a man with responsibilities. He will not change. Ever.

What does he actually say when you call him out on the shit? In response to the direct question “why did you not remind them to brush their teeth”?

I would have lost respect v quickly for someone who either didn’t realise why this was important or didn’t see it as their job.

I don't think you're boring! You have HAD to take on the responsible role because he's such a useless father and husband. You haven't been allowed to express your more relaxed side because you are having to do absolutely everything for the family. How you haven't kicked him out is beyond me!

@Fluffybutter I completely agree and that’s why I feel so guilty all the time. I did know what he was like but I just don’t think I grasped the extent of it until we had children. Even with babies, you can muddle along with different outlooks, but as they get older I’m at a loss. For example, if they don’t want to do homework, he won’t make them. I know they’re only young and I work really hard not to force them to do extra/ perfect work as I was made to to, but they still have to learn. Times tables aren’t optional!