Help me with my ‘good time’ DH

[Jigglypuff89]

Hi all,

I’m really struggling with my DHs behaviour and lockdown seems to have amplified it. I’m quite an organised, methodical, boring person and when we met, I was attracted to DHs spontaneity and ‘good time’ attitude. I felt he really enriched my world as I’m bad at letting go.

10 years down the line I’m at breaking point. We have 3 DC, aged 7, 5 and 3 and he applies this who cares’ attitude to every aspect of our lives and I feel like I’m constantly picking up the slack. Worse still, as the children get older, they associate him with a good time and me with boring old chores. Finally, I feel I have to be almost more rigid to compensate for his choices.

For example, with the kids I can’t ask him to do a single thing and get it done. He has never turned up to a parents evening or a school play, even if he’s promised. I once made the mistake of not taking time off on the assurance he would attend parents evening, in the end I had to rearrange and attend another day. He will never ever ask the children to tidy, or do their homework or make their beds etc. I’ve tried really hard to hold firm and to lower my expectations. As an example, when my youngest was a baby, I’d ask him to do bedtime with the older two. He wouldn’t brush their teeth, wouldn’t remind them to wee, wouldn’t even put them in pjs!! So I thought, I can’t let the children suffer but I don’t want to let him do nothing. So I started brushing their teeth, dressing them for bed/ toileting and then passing them to him. He wouldn’t read them a bedtime story but I know that’s not essential (like teeth brushing) so I didn’t mention it, I make sure we read and snuggle during the day. However, he would just put them in bed and not stop them from talking / playing or hand them his phone if asked. They were only little and needed to be told to go back in bed. The result was the kids would be up far too late and impossible to get to bed, they’d behave poorly the next day and I still wouldn’t get an evening. Whenever we talked about it he’d promise to do better. He’s never nasty or mean or horrible with it, just everything has to be fun and easy. The kids associate nasty mummy with forcing them to go to bed and daddy as the fun parent.

This is just one example but it happens in every single area of our lives. I just can’t figure out how to get around it? I hate to say I’ve considered it but I think even separating wouldn’t help, as he’ll still be as lax when he has them. Has anyone coped with this?

What a lovely post @weewinnie. I hope your mum knows how you feel.

I have a DP who's a little that way inclined (not prepared to put in effort upfront to avoid effort later basically). My twopenny'th is that you shouldn't worry about the kids.

I am the one who's strict with tidying and bedtimes, I do the discipline and schoolwork. The kids appreciate that though - if they want something, they come to me. They know that if they go to dad they'll be fobbed off and it won't happen. They rely on me to be a constant, responsible rock, and they love me for it - even when I'm then the one they're fighting because I've told them I'm going to cut their toenails, or that it's time to do their English homework.

Dear OP. Unfortunately, you actually have four children. And you are essentially parenting alone. How frustrating trying to raise children with someone like this. He is NOT going to change. Reflect on that and envision what the future looks like, and decide whether it is a future you want to live with or not.

spending money isn't generous and fun and spontaneous - it's the lazy way out.

Can’t believe you had sex with him at least 3 times. Yuck.

This.

Can’t believe you had sex with him at least 3 times. Yuck

There is NO NEED for this. It's not even "tough love" it's just nasty.

Does he have a job? How does he manage that? Surely someone that lets everything slip can't hold down a responsible job?
If he can, then he's making a choice to be different at home and can adapt.

There's a saying

"Marriage is a fancy word for adopting an overgrown man child"

You've essentially got another child on your hands.A partnership is two people supporting one another with the day to day life.He isn't doing this and he's never going to change as it sounds clear that he's set in his ways.

I know someone who married a man who shirked his responsibilities;She thought she could change him but she couldn't,she ended up responsible for his responsibilities as well as her own with more being added when they started a family.She's happily divorced now as she doesn't have to live with the stress of dealing with him.

You got 2 choices here.

1.Accept this is your life and your DH isn't to change and that you'll always end up picking up his slack.
2.Call it a day.

It doesn't sound as though their is a middle ground here tbh as this is who he is.

Mumsnet seems to be skipping waaaayyyy ahead here. It's either LTB or put up with it. Fgs just speak to him and tell him how you feel, make sure to get across how serious it is.

Does he do this at work? Just do whatever he feels like, laze around and ignore instructions? How does that go down?

michaelbaubles post at 15.51 about him stealing your slack is spot on and mind blowing. Your and the kids lives are harder because of him. He won't even go to their parents evening! He's a lazy sack of shit.

What a prick. Does he not bother brushing his own teeth? If he does brush his own teeth then you know he knows it needs doing, he just doesn’t care enough about his own children to do it. If he doesn’t... well that in itself is enough of a reason to end a marriage of you ask me.

Seriously. I feel tired just thinking about how wearing it would be to try and parent with someone like that. He’s not fun, he’s lazy and neglectful. He actually creates more work for you. Do you seriously want to keep having the same conversations with him for the next 15 years? Surely being apart would actually make your life easier as you wouldn’t have to spend so much time compensating for his ‘parenting’.

Children like routine and structure. It makes them feel safe and secure. Children like to break rules, yes, but it’s only fun when there are rules to be broken. If you separated and they went to stay with ‘fun daddy’ they’d probably enjoy it the first few times, but would soon realise that they’re not breaking rules as there are no rules at dad’s house. It’s not an exciting one off in the context of a familiar and comforting pattern, where they know that their needs will be met and they can take that for granted, but that actually they’re not sure what will happen next. That would start to feel less fun and more unsettling.

Of course, if you did separate and he didn’t step up at all, you may want to consider the amount and the type of contact he has if he neglects their basic needs whilst they’re in his care.

Ultimately, he is showing you that he doesn’t care about what is important to you, and he doesn’t care about your children’s needs. Why would you want to keep someone like that in your life?

If the eldest gets daddy to brush everyone's teeth each night for a week you will buy them a toy.If everyone is in PJ's by 7 you will bake cakes at the weekend, ask daddy to help.Have a chart that they come to you to mark.

This reads to me like making small children take responsibility for something their (adult) father won't do.

Absolutely no way is this a good idea.

@FizzyGreenWater

I've just read your reply on here and this reminds me so much of my best friends children,Their dad makes zero effort with them.Going to his meant no bedtimes,unlimited screen time,no baths,no teeth brushing,no rules,takeaways.

The 19 year old hasn't been to his since she was 13.The 13 year old hasn't been to his since she was 10.Both recognised that dad makes zero effort and found sitting in the house all day and junk food unappealing.So they chose to stop going and consequently their dad doesn't bother to maintain a relationship with the,He doesn't even acknowledge their birthdays.

The 14 year still goes to his dads though.He's got ASD and thinks the unlimited screen time and junk food are amazing;because he's not allowed to do it at home and my friend finds his behaviour appalling when he comes home.

Doesn’t it feel like every time he is forgets to brush teeth, orders McD instead of cooking, ignores parent meeting he might as well have screamed FUCK YOU in your face? He might as well have.

He's not fun. He's manipulated you to think that to hide his laziness and the the fact that he just doesn't give a shit.

Was he always like this? Has he got worse with the more children you have do you think?Why does he do this ,is he stressed at work ,cant be arsed or just wants to be a Disney Dad! Tell him it cannot continue and say you need to do bedtime or whatever .If nothing changes its Counselling time .If after that he cant see a problem You may have to decide whether to continue in this relationship.

"You know that just as you thought you'd chosen someone who'd bring something extra to your life, he chose you for that reason, too. Only he chose you because he knew you would do all of the emotional and physical work around being an adult and a parent, leaving him free to live his Peter Pan existence."
So not only is he lazy, disengaged and neglectful, he is also a USER. He is totally using you, Jigglypuff89. You do everything, he does nothing, he gets to play The Big I Am ordering takeaway rather than cook - what a fucking waster! And a user. And a shit parent.

It looks to me like the only reason you haven't canned his sorry arse is because of fear. You fear that "the kids will prefer to live with him and avoid me all together". They won't. There will be the initial novelty, yes; but read weewinnie's post - she was your children. Read FizzyGreenWater's post - she's set it out very clearly.

Without you toiling away in the background, he won't seem like Fun Dad to them for long. He won't plan to feed them, he'll wait until they say they're hungry and then make them wait half an hour or more for the Deliveroo to show. How much fun will they find that? And having three small children looking to him to DO for them and not have you to step up and do it for him - ooh, he's going to find that not fun at all.

Please, do not fear that splitting from him will turn your children against you. It won't happen. This is no way to live, not for you and ultimately not for your children either.

Have you shown him images of tooth decay in children? The kind where they need their baby teeth removing surgically?

Neglect is serious.

Some more info about other aspects of his life would be interesting:
What is his personal hygiene like?
Does he exercise/eat healthily/go to the dentist regularly?
What is his job and how well does he do it?
Does he put effort into friendships?
What about his parents/extended family?

You sound like a very good balanced parent.

He sounds like a fucking shit show. I couldn't bear to even sleep in the same bed with someone as neglectful as him. How has your love for him not chipped away?

What kind of shit parent doesn't remind them to do teeth? That says everything for me. Screens I can give or take. But that is neglectful

And then the kids will prefer to live with him and avoid me all together

I wouldn't count on it Jiggly. Surprisingly many children actually prefer structure and boundaries to chaos. Never underestimate their ability to see the truth of a situation, particularly as they grow up.

And you had three dc with him?
Sorry, maybe not helpful to you, but maybe your story will stop someone else making the same mistake.

When someone shows you who they are, listen. People don't spontaneously change.

He's a useless, lazy, uncaring father. Downright neglectful! Your story of his doing bedtime is awful.

Your post reminded me of this
www.huffpost.com/entry/she-divorced-me-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink_b_9055288