Help me with my ‘good time’ DH

[Jigglypuff89]

Hi all,

I’m really struggling with my DHs behaviour and lockdown seems to have amplified it. I’m quite an organised, methodical, boring person and when we met, I was attracted to DHs spontaneity and ‘good time’ attitude. I felt he really enriched my world as I’m bad at letting go.

10 years down the line I’m at breaking point. We have 3 DC, aged 7, 5 and 3 and he applies this who cares’ attitude to every aspect of our lives and I feel like I’m constantly picking up the slack. Worse still, as the children get older, they associate him with a good time and me with boring old chores. Finally, I feel I have to be almost more rigid to compensate for his choices.

For example, with the kids I can’t ask him to do a single thing and get it done. He has never turned up to a parents evening or a school play, even if he’s promised. I once made the mistake of not taking time off on the assurance he would attend parents evening, in the end I had to rearrange and attend another day. He will never ever ask the children to tidy, or do their homework or make their beds etc. I’ve tried really hard to hold firm and to lower my expectations. As an example, when my youngest was a baby, I’d ask him to do bedtime with the older two. He wouldn’t brush their teeth, wouldn’t remind them to wee, wouldn’t even put them in pjs!! So I thought, I can’t let the children suffer but I don’t want to let him do nothing. So I started brushing their teeth, dressing them for bed/ toileting and then passing them to him. He wouldn’t read them a bedtime story but I know that’s not essential (like teeth brushing) so I didn’t mention it, I make sure we read and snuggle during the day. However, he would just put them in bed and not stop them from talking / playing or hand them his phone if asked. They were only little and needed to be told to go back in bed. The result was the kids would be up far too late and impossible to get to bed, they’d behave poorly the next day and I still wouldn’t get an evening. Whenever we talked about it he’d promise to do better. He’s never nasty or mean or horrible with it, just everything has to be fun and easy. The kids associate nasty mummy with forcing them to go to bed and daddy as the fun parent.

This is just one example but it happens in every single area of our lives. I just can’t figure out how to get around it? I hate to say I’ve considered it but I think even separating wouldn’t help, as he’ll still be as lax when he has them. Has anyone coped with this?

And then the kids will prefer to live with him and avoid me all together

Me and my husband separated 2.5 years ago and our kids see him regularly. He wasn't a bad father at all while we were together but he had no idea how much I did for the family that went unseen and how much organisation went into every day. Since the separation he has had a massive wake up call and yes, the kids have more takeaways than I would like when with him, which means we tend to go without them here to balance things out but he has to be responsible for them while they are with him because he has no choice and no-one else to do it.

What has actually happened though is that the kids have recently started saying that they prefer to be here. I am the one that has always given them stability and time and that is worth more than takeaways and disney parenting.

I wish my marriage hadn't fallen apart but being a single parent isn't as bad as i'd feared because I felt like one a lot of the time anyway. I just have one less child now.

And then the kids will prefer to live with him and avoid me all together

Ok, you won't leave him, and he won't change. What exactly are you looking for from people here?

Sounds like you just want to live in misery.

And yet you went on to freely have three children with him !.

Christ you poor thing OP

I'm not sure what you should do, however from my experience I'd bluntly say this:

Assuming he's earning, I'd say stay with him for the financial support and the sex (assuming that's any good) and leave him ASAP when you're back to work full-time and the intense child-rearing years are over.

You're going to be doing all the hard work whether you're together or not, so you might as well be doing it in less financial hardship.

That's usually the reality of single motherhood I'm afraid.

P.S. Not just for the financial support, but the ability to leave the house in the evenings. Or even in the daytimes with taking the dc along. It kills me to lose this freedom.

If you want to make a go of your relationship/ family dynamic you're going to have to figure out a strategy.

The problem here is that it's too extreme. He's "chill" over everything.

You need to have a proper chat with him and get him to pick an area where he's going to step up (enforcing homework, chores, bedtimes - whatever... pick one).

It might be that here's scared that the kids will stop loving him if he's 'mean daddy'. They won't. They have to adjust to respecting him or they'll walk all over him as teenagers.

Now is the time for him to build up some authority. Ask him if he's feels anxious about where to start?

*without taking the dc along

He's lazy, selfish and negelctful

I know a few dads like this. The thing is you can't both be like this as everything would fall apart. You have to get him to understand this - that you are fed up of being the resonsible parent and he has to start pulling his weight . My friend's DH was exactly like this and they got divorced. Even after the divorce he would say (on the weekends he had the kids) that they hadn't eaten any fruit or veg or brushed their teeth or whatever because "it doesn't matter as a one off". The problem he refused to see was that he always got to slack off which meant that she always had to pick up the slack. I wouldn't normally say counselling is the answer but it might work to get him to face up to his laziness!

You're going to be doing all the hard work whether you're together or not, so you might as well be doing it in less financial hardship.

I think you're under-estimating how much work he's actually adding to OP's lot. I can't imagine he does much round the house, plus he makes the dc harder to deal with, so he's creating ton of work and the resentment/stress of it all. I've found it far easier managing on my own knowing it all falls to me, than having another adult in the house who could help but doesn't (and in this case makes things worse).

'Tbh he doesn’t sound like a ‘good time’ he sounds lazy, disengaged and neglectful.'

First response and nailed it 100%

His path of least resistance is negatively impacting you, your life, your physical and mental health and that of your children too. He is not an equal partner. Think about the life you want and take it from there.

category12 yes you're probably right. Then it's balancing his financial input against the extra work he creates. Eg. OP might have to leave her home etc. I was lucky enough to be able to buy xh out but money stress is a huge burden.

Have you put some firm rules down and told him what will happen if he continues with this Peter Pan attitude.

Of course he remembers that kids need to brush their teeth/wear PJs he just can't be bothered to do it and he knows you'll do it.
Ordering takeaways when you ask him to cook just proves how lazy he is and being generous with gifts is easy as all he has to do is flick his card on the machine.

He's not 'fun' he's lazy. He's leaving all the adulting to you op.

Does he work op? If he does then this is proof he can do things, even the most manual job needs someone to be organised. A builder still needs to remember how to make cement. Yet he can't remember to ask the dc to brush their teeth.

Does he engage in the dc much outside of homework, parenting at all? Does he play with them, read with them and interact with them?

@michaelbaubles that is such a good point

If you don't want to split could you set up some reward charts for the children.
Yes I know it means letting him off doing things, but if it helps you to cope then you could stay rewards for the children and stress that these are mummy treats.
If the eldest gets daddy to brush everyone's teeth each night for a week you will buy them a toy.
If everyone is in PJ's by 7 you will bake cakes at the weekend, ask daddy to help.
Have a chart that they come to you to mark.
You could set the timer on the cooker, or play a fun song loud and they have till it ends to be ready .

You may have chosen him because you hoped he'd help you 'lighten up' but he chose you to have someone to do the humdrum of his daily life so he could go on being Peter Pan and having his 'good times'. He's not interested in 'lightening up' your life, he's interested in keeping his own life 'light'.

What does he add to your life? Seems to me that removing him from it would give you more time, less resentment, and more peace and calm.

"The best thing a father can do for his children is to love and respect their mother. He doesn't treat you with much respect, does he? Ignoring your requests that he carry his weight certainly isn't respectful, is it?

I think if you left him he'd be shambolic over contact and actually the kids wouldn't see him that often.

He’s not a good time he’s a lazy, neglectful twat. My ex is the same but abusive although not openly to the children. My children are older than yours and they have worked out for themselves that dad is “a bit useless”. It’s stings that daddy has never been to any of our daughter’s school plays because he couldn’t be arsed and barely looks at their school reports or goes to parents evening. The youngest has decided daddy can’t read and associates going to his house with tummy ache due to the sheer amount of crap they eat while they’re there.

I guess what I’m saying is: your husband won’t always get away with behaving the way he does and his kids thinking he’s the cool one. He’s not. He won’t even put them to bed! Teeth and pjs don’t even take long and cuddles and stories at bedtime are one of my favourite things to do when mine are small.

The thing is he should care enough about you to see how unfair this all is and do something about it. Have you told him that this is what his underlying message to you is? Maybe he hasn't grasped that but he needs to - "What your actions or lack of actions are telling me is that you don't care about me - is this the case? " Then see what he says to that. If he accedes to that well that tells you all you need to know.

If he disagrees then your next question is "Well what changes are you going to make to show me that you do care about me and the really hard time I am having because of you constantly failing to step up?". Then jointly put together a list of changes he is going to make and document these - write them out with tick boxes. Ask him to tick the boxes when he's done what you've jointly agreed - he may need to do this every day! If he's going to act like a 6 year old, you have to put a plan together which works for a 6 year old!

Just wanted to mention.. I had a dad like this growing up.
My mum and him did divorce
We did live like you describe at his house when we would go there every other weekend
We would have unlimited tv in our rooms, no bedtime, ice cream and pop tarts for breakfast and no rules. We would crawl out onto the roof and play on there and he would laugh.
But I didn't like going there.. And I remember one weekend breaking down and crying that I wanted to go to my mums and he asked why I didn't like it at his house.. I was only young so u couldn't articulate it properly but I remember crying to him that "we don't even have proper pyjamas here" (we used to sleep in his t shirts)
My mums house felt warm and safe and structured and full of love. My dads house felt chaotic and stressful.
I stopped visiting him as soon as I was old enough. So please don't worry how your kids see you. My mum always made me brush my teeth and do homework and she was my fave

Sounds like my ex. Get rid now otherwise your children will follow in his footsteps and will think
It's for a woman to do everything properly.

I think if you left him he'd be shambolic over contact and actually the kids wouldn't see him that often

This is a good point. I know of so many men like this (including ex).

Does your DH realise that the way he treats his kids (not brushing their teeth, cleaning them, clothing them etc) would be seen as neglect in the eyes of social services?

Maybe you need to print something out about child welfare and explain that it's not just a case of him not pulling his weight, it's him wilfully neglecting the needs of his children because he's so lazy.

Why does he find that acceptable? Does he realise when they're older your kids will say "Dad never came to a parents evening or a single sports day or a school performance I was in." They will feel like he didn't give a shit about them, even if they're too young to see it now.

There is no excuse for this. He's a pathetic excuse of a father, who social services would (hopefully) remove your children from if he ever had sole care of them. Is that what you want if you were hit by a bus or killed by Corona?

Tell him to step up and step up now. Don't accept any excuses and if he doesn't change then leave him and ensure that if you die you clearly state in your will why he shouldn't get custody as he's an unfit parent.

My relationship dynamic is similar to yours, in a way. I'm very routine oriented, logical, definitely boring. I care a lot about the rules and doing things right. DH is a lot more rogue, he's spontaneous and adventurous and "chill", he's happy to break rules when they suit him. We balance each other out.

When we were discussing TTC, i was deeply concerned we'd end up in a situation like yours- i was worried I'd be the perpetual Bad Cop and he'd be Fun Daddy they preferred spending time with. I told him what i was worried about, i laid out all my anxieties, he heard me out, asked a bunch of questions, and told me he understood exactly where i was coming from, and why i was worried. He promised me we'd be a team, no good cop bad cop, and years later he's stuck to his word.

Have you ever laid out the big picture for him? Or do you just address each issue as it comes up?

I'd have a proper come to jesus discussion with him, tell him you need to see real, concerted change over the next month, or you're going to have to seriously reconsider the future of the marriage. Its not an ultimatum. It's you laying out what you need to be happy.