Help me with my ‘good time’ DH

[Jigglypuff89]

Hi all,

I’m really struggling with my DHs behaviour and lockdown seems to have amplified it. I’m quite an organised, methodical, boring person and when we met, I was attracted to DHs spontaneity and ‘good time’ attitude. I felt he really enriched my world as I’m bad at letting go.

10 years down the line I’m at breaking point. We have 3 DC, aged 7, 5 and 3 and he applies this who cares’ attitude to every aspect of our lives and I feel like I’m constantly picking up the slack. Worse still, as the children get older, they associate him with a good time and me with boring old chores. Finally, I feel I have to be almost more rigid to compensate for his choices.

For example, with the kids I can’t ask him to do a single thing and get it done. He has never turned up to a parents evening or a school play, even if he’s promised. I once made the mistake of not taking time off on the assurance he would attend parents evening, in the end I had to rearrange and attend another day. He will never ever ask the children to tidy, or do their homework or make their beds etc. I’ve tried really hard to hold firm and to lower my expectations. As an example, when my youngest was a baby, I’d ask him to do bedtime with the older two. He wouldn’t brush their teeth, wouldn’t remind them to wee, wouldn’t even put them in pjs!! So I thought, I can’t let the children suffer but I don’t want to let him do nothing. So I started brushing their teeth, dressing them for bed/ toileting and then passing them to him. He wouldn’t read them a bedtime story but I know that’s not essential (like teeth brushing) so I didn’t mention it, I make sure we read and snuggle during the day. However, he would just put them in bed and not stop them from talking / playing or hand them his phone if asked. They were only little and needed to be told to go back in bed. The result was the kids would be up far too late and impossible to get to bed, they’d behave poorly the next day and I still wouldn’t get an evening. Whenever we talked about it he’d promise to do better. He’s never nasty or mean or horrible with it, just everything has to be fun and easy. The kids associate nasty mummy with forcing them to go to bed and daddy as the fun parent.

This is just one example but it happens in every single area of our lives. I just can’t figure out how to get around it? I hate to say I’ve considered it but I think even separating wouldn’t help, as he’ll still be as lax when he has them. Has anyone coped with this?

Hes lazy, selfish and plain old neglectful.

You are not boring, you are not a 'dry, staid person' you are being a good mother, a normal human being who cares for their dc.

Hes not fun loving, hes just a shit parent. Fun loving people still care for their children, contrary to what he said these things do matter. He is harming his DC by not brushing their teeth, he could harm their education by not going to parents evening, not making them do their homework.

You do things with the DC that matter to children, going to their plays, reading stories, cuddling them. Think back to being children mum or dad putting you in your PJs, snuggling up reading stories. These things are actually really important to children, it might seem like you are not the fun one to you but you arent. And I promise you your DC wouldnt want to live with him.

It sad how hes almost manipulated you into thinking you are boring, and that your DC somehow prefer him.

@Crispyturtle I can’t say I’ve ever checked but he doesn’t smell or have any cavities so he must.

This is actually really disheartening. I expected half the posters would be more like DH and just tell me that one of us needs to be sensible and the other fun, or maybe I should loosen up but I’m shocked at how the responses have been.

I guess I’ve accepted it as my mum was fairly ‘flighty’ growing up. She was artsy and creative and fun but would also sometimes leave us alone for hours or leave me in charge of my siblings around age 11 and go out. My dad was stable and always there and often derided as ‘boring’. I’m a lot like him. I have never even thought to see myself in a different way.

Or him. Which is awful.

Well you can be fun, and creative, and spontaneous. But everyone still has to brush their teeth. And go to their children's parents evening.

Those are like the total basics. He isn't even meeting those.

What Does Jeff Know said.

Face him with the fact that if you parented the same way he does, your beautiful children would already be in care, and if you saw them at all, it would have to be supervised by a social worker.!

If he holds down a responsible job and manages his own personal hygiene, he clearly can 'adult' when he wants to; he just doesn't want to.

It boils down to this: does he love you and his children enough to step up as a full-grown engaged parent, or does he want to lose you all? Make clear that since you're doing everything anyway, you could lose a shedload of resentment by shedding him!

Well your history of being parented explains why you have put up with this nonsense for so long.
But as a pp said you should both get to be a fun parent at times and a boring parent at other times.
Your DH is stealing your fun times and dumping all his boring times on you. You are letting him do this because your parents set you up to believe that you only get one parenting role in life.
Reclaim your fun times OP, whatever fun looks like to you and don't let your DH dump his parenting workload on you either.

You're massively underestimating children in this. They will know they are safe and secure with you, do not think they don't see thru it.

Its basic parenting. He is being neglectful not talking care of their basic needs. He needs to.do.some parenting classes

It's not fun not turning up to parents evening, it's sad. Poor kids. And poor you. YANBU.

Have you seen the film “Mrs Doubtfire”?

Exactly this behaviour from Daniel Hillard (played by the wonderful Robin Williams, RIP) pushed Miranda (Sally Field) to breaking point, forcing Daniel to reinvent himself as the firm Mrs Doubtfire just so he could see his children. I will never forget the scene where she walks in on the birthday party he organised for his son - carnage in their living room, complete with live petting zoo.

The Hillards’ differences weren’t reconcilable, @Jigglypuff89 and I’m sad to say I would be worried whether those between you and your husband would be.

Hi OP

You don't sound boring, you sound completely normal. Making sure your kids don't have rotten teeth, they aren't too tired to enjoy the next day, their brains aren't full of youtube and nothing else, they don't fail at school etc....is all completely normal and shows you care. If that's boring then all good parents are dull.
Do you think he wouldn't care if they were in pain from their teeth due to not brushing them? Or he'd not associate it with his actions?

Have you ever had counselling together? It might help have a third party set out just how let down you feel?

If not I think you need to go it alone, sorry. You cant carry on with him undermining you at every single bloody task. It must be so confusing for your kids.

And its not your fault...no person thinks their co parent wont actually do any real kind of parenting

Also I was going to say, surely they wont think he is fun dad when he wont give them lifts anywhere, he let's them down last minute by not turning up to their graduation or school play or whatever. That's not fun that's letting someone you love down in the worst way, because there really isnt any reason for it at all

I dont have much more to offer as Pps have said much of what I would have. But my sister EXDH was just like your DH. He was never present for any part of their dcs upbringing . Found it all a terrible bore and professed all bathroom activity to be too nasty to involve himself with. he never changed a nappy , never made food for anyone other than himself -although would deign to feed ready made food if pressed.
They are divorced of course. Strange thing is that now he really does regret not being involved from the start. He says he was scared he would do it wrong but never wanted to show weakness in saying so.
He is such a good dad now that my sister has said that if he did anything approaching the amount he does now they wouldnt be divorced.

If you have to intervene in every bedtime, every mealtime, you never get any time off to yourself. That's completely unfair and limiting for you. It's mostly about the DCs but this is also about you and your enjoyment of your life.

He sounds pathologically avoidant of responsibility. How is he with authority and taking direction? At work? From the government (e.g. lockdown rules, vaccinations)? Where do you fit into this - does he regard your requests as directions, as you 'bossing him around', as an authority figure, as his pseudo-mother?

I bet he doesn't behave like that at work.

Have a look at Transactional Analysis OP. You may have the Parent Voice, rather than Adult.

You need to spell out that he is letting his DC down my not parenting them and how unfair he is being to you as well.

Either the dynamic changes or the relationship ends else you are teaching your DC the same dynamic you learned - either to be carefree and neglectful or reliable and "boring".

My DH (currently separated) is addicted to cocaine and has untreated ADHD. He is still a better father than your DH. He missed your kids parents evening and can’t even put his own children to bed? What exactly can he do?

My advice would be to seek counselling but to do it with a child psychologist who will back you in how damaging his behaviour is, he needs to be shamed in to growing up.

I don't have anything to add to the good advice here but I just wanted to add - there's nothing wrong with accountants! They are very useful. I know lots of them and can only think of one really boring one. And it's not like you're an actuary .

He sounds immature and unable to focus or apply himself to simple tasks and his role as a parent.
Maybe I am barking up the wrong tree here but can’t help but wonder if he might have any other features of ADHD? Is he bored easily? Does he find it difficult to focus on everyday tasks but sometimes get “hyper-focused” on something very stimulating, new or exciting?

He is a lazy fucker.. that's not good time, that's just neglect.

He just sounds lazy.

His behaviour is so awful that it almost sounds like he's trying to push you into leaving him. Do you think he still loves you? I'm sorry OP, this must be so hard.