Help me with my ‘good time’ DH

[Jigglypuff89]

Hi all,

I’m really struggling with my DHs behaviour and lockdown seems to have amplified it. I’m quite an organised, methodical, boring person and when we met, I was attracted to DHs spontaneity and ‘good time’ attitude. I felt he really enriched my world as I’m bad at letting go.

10 years down the line I’m at breaking point. We have 3 DC, aged 7, 5 and 3 and he applies this who cares’ attitude to every aspect of our lives and I feel like I’m constantly picking up the slack. Worse still, as the children get older, they associate him with a good time and me with boring old chores. Finally, I feel I have to be almost more rigid to compensate for his choices.

For example, with the kids I can’t ask him to do a single thing and get it done. He has never turned up to a parents evening or a school play, even if he’s promised. I once made the mistake of not taking time off on the assurance he would attend parents evening, in the end I had to rearrange and attend another day. He will never ever ask the children to tidy, or do their homework or make their beds etc. I’ve tried really hard to hold firm and to lower my expectations. As an example, when my youngest was a baby, I’d ask him to do bedtime with the older two. He wouldn’t brush their teeth, wouldn’t remind them to wee, wouldn’t even put them in pjs!! So I thought, I can’t let the children suffer but I don’t want to let him do nothing. So I started brushing their teeth, dressing them for bed/ toileting and then passing them to him. He wouldn’t read them a bedtime story but I know that’s not essential (like teeth brushing) so I didn’t mention it, I make sure we read and snuggle during the day. However, he would just put them in bed and not stop them from talking / playing or hand them his phone if asked. They were only little and needed to be told to go back in bed. The result was the kids would be up far too late and impossible to get to bed, they’d behave poorly the next day and I still wouldn’t get an evening. Whenever we talked about it he’d promise to do better. He’s never nasty or mean or horrible with it, just everything has to be fun and easy. The kids associate nasty mummy with forcing them to go to bed and daddy as the fun parent.

This is just one example but it happens in every single area of our lives. I just can’t figure out how to get around it? I hate to say I’ve considered it but I think even separating wouldn’t help, as he’ll still be as lax when he has them. Has anyone coped with this?

I know you shouldn’t have to and he knows what needs doing but clearly can’t be arsed, but d9 you tell him to cook do teeth/put on pjs etc? Tell him no phone etc?

He’s lazy. I actually think the resentment would make me want to leave. At least if you’re doing it alone you don’t feel the resentment of being in a house with another person who doesn’t even do the most basic of things. He’s a lazy father. He’s not a good time person. He’s lazy. And you’re having to pick up the slack. You can’t be the fun one as you’re having to pick up all the everyday bits of life. Personally I’d sit down and talk to him about his attitude and if it didn’t change I would strongly consider leaving.

Lazy disengaged and neglectful sums it up. Deeply unattractive, just thinking about it makes me ugh. If you split up there will be clear rules and structure for your children in their main home, and he can step up (Extremely doubtful) or it will be super obvious that he’s neglectful.

So he's a big kid. Happy to spend money on treats and days out but doesn't actually care enough to do the everyday things.

Again, he sounds disgraceful, yet you sound almost pleased by his childishness.

@Cherrysoup yes I tell him all the time and he never argues, but never listens, I just don’t know what strategy to adopt anymore.

Example:
Me: did you brush the kids teeth
Him: oh sorry, no, I forgot
Me: remember we’ve talked about this 1,000,000 times before
Him: yeah, I’ll do it next time

Or me: “remember to make them do their homework” him: “homework doesn’t really matter” on loop

If we did separate I’m sure he’d have them over, living in squalor off McDonald’s watching screens 24/7, falling asleep where they sit

And then the kids will prefer to live with him and avoid me all together

In your dh’s defence, you knew what he was like when you married him and had children with him.

He's a parent. You can't just opt out of all responsibility when you are. Well not if you're a decent human.

He actually sounds very uncaring.

He doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about what is important and matters to you and he doesn’t care about his children’s well-being. I’d end the relationship - he probably won’t overly care about that either but at least you’ll be happier.

You shouldn’t feel guilty but maybe you could try counselling when lockdown is over so someone from outside can tell him this is NOT parenting , there’s no way you can do this on your own if it’s so ingrained in him

OP you seem to have bought into his view of the world, one where you are boring and organised and he is fun and spontaneous.

I think it would help to completely reframe this. You are a good and caring parent who wants the best for her children. He is lazy and doesn't actually care about their needs.

I don't know what you should do but you should absolutely give up on the idea of changing him. It's not going to happen.

My partner was like this. All responsibility was dumped on my shoulders, I was always the bad guy. The stress of that and the resentment I felt towards him ment I was always in a bad mood and the children could sense that. I didnt like the person I was turning into.

I sat him down and told him in no uncertain terms if he didnt change we were finished as my life would be easier and less stressful without him.

Hes much better now. Not perfect but really tries to help out more.

You have do decide what your willing to put up with. Tell him how you feel and be willing to leave if he refuses to change.

@MrsTerryPratchett and I didn’t say that .. that doesn’t mean that everyone automatically switches to parent mode .
It’s not that uncommon that you get one responsible parent and one half arsed one or one that wants to be their children's ‘friend’ or even ones that don’t believe in rules and structure .

How is he in other parts of his life? Does he manage to hold down a job, do the tasks set for him at work?

The problem is, he is very happy with his life this way. He doesn't have to worry about anything at all, and all the boring stuff is taken care of by someone else (you). He also gets the bonus of being Fun Dad while you are Boring Mum. He isn't listening because that would involve him having to do things which are boring, cause hassle and are your job anyway (in his head).

Fuck that for a game of soldiers. You need to make him understand that things WILL be changing. His choice is to be an equal partner, or you leave, and you need to mean it.

Have you suggested marriage counselling?

I think you need to take a stand and stop picking up his slack. If he likes an easy life, presumably when you kick off it makes his life less easy?

I'd want him to go on a parenting course and to go to relationship counselling, make him understand that you are sometimes considering splitting up over this.

Sounds exhausting. I could not be with a partner who puts forth zero effort into child raising. My DH is more fun than me, but on all the important things we discuss parenting approaches, come to an agreement and then both of us ensure we stick to it.

You could try counselling and see if he changes. He would need to stop skating through life and actually put some time and effort into caring for the children though. If he doesn’t change, he should go because once the children are grown, he will continue to be an infant and you’ll be stuck parenting him into retirement.

Surely you knew this after your 1st child, why did you have another 2? I agree with other posters, he doesn’t care.

On another thread like this I saw that behaviour being described as being like "stealing your slack" - so when parenting, we all have rules and we all slacken them sometimes - home-cooked food with five a day every day, except when you want something like fast food. But ideally you should both be enforcing the same amount of rules and both benefiting from the same amount of slack. He can ONLY benefit from the slackness because you put in the effort - he's stealing your slack! The lazy days should be a payoff for you for putting the work in - nobody can live at 100% effort everyday, except you're being forced to by him. Meanwhile he lives at 0% effort. When do you get to just order in takeaway? Never, because they'd never get good food then. You never get to say to them "hey, no baths tonight" or let them stay up late. He's stolen fun times from you. You should be raging!

if you separated:

You'd be able to demonstrate to them that you are there, and ENTHUSIASTIC, about the fun as well as the routine. So homework time but also the three of you doing the downtime together, going places, playing games. Right now, as he is there and will automatically make 'fun time' of any point at which he is involved (aka not giving a shit or paying them any attention at all) - you feel you have no option but to do the donkey work. He takes (from them too) - you give. He takes up all the space for fun by being such a horrible version of 'fun' - someone you can't rely on.

And... kids actually do thrive on routine. And they know who they can depend on, and it makes them feel secure. Right now, daddy's complete lack of care is completely hidden from view, as they feel secure in his presence because YOU prop it all up. So he is fun dad! But... if you separated. It would be fab for about two weekends. And then they would begin to feel unsettled and bored at doing the same thing - ie keeping themselves amused while he plays on his phone, or whatever. Realising that a takeaway isn't a treat if you have it every single time you see him, and when you ask if you can have pasta as you suddenly feel like a change, the answer is 'can't be bothered, just have chips'. Starting to feel uncomfortable at the thought that staying up late and no pyjamas isn't a treat exactly if Daddy just isn't interested in bedtimes, or reading, or giving them any attention really...

Kids only enjoy 'breaking the rules' because the rules are there to make them feel secure, and loved, and clean and happy.

They wouldn't want to live with him. I imagine after a year or so of every other weekend they'd be telling you that they were so bored and Daddy won't take them to the park and won't bake cakes and won't read a story, ever. That will only get worse as they get older, you get more sorted and confident and happy. And also, as he stops bothering.

Don't stay with him for the reasons you state. He's selfish, and that means that ultimately, he'll put himself above them too. Don't wait until it's them asking him if he'll come see their sixth form performance or take them to a uni day and he stands them up. And ffs don't stay for a lifetime of being USED by him - because that's what he's doing.

Oh, and if you were a single parent, OK he might be shit when he has them, but you'd be the one choosing movie nights or pizza for tea, and getting the rest and benefit from it.

He is lazy and neglectful. Basically he doesn't love his children enough to take care of them. I doubt very much your children see you as the hard parent and him as the good parent. More likely they are beginning to see you as the parent and him as the fellow who lives with them who buys mcdonalds. I can guarantee you that what matters to a child most is feeling cared for and protected - not watching screens and eating fast food. They notice who comes to their plays and school events. They notice who cares enought to give them clean clothes and makes them brush their teeth.

I don't know what the solution is. If you want to stay with him, I think you will just have to resign yourself to being the only grown up in the house. It would be hard not to feel contempt for him though.

He doesn't sound 'fun' at all. He sounds a lazy bastard tbh.

Fizzygreenwater makes excellent points ^

Oh this is so hard. You know, you're so right, OP. We muddle through those early years, and learning to parent can be a bit of a baptism by fire. It takes time to know who we are as parents. Your eldest was 4 when the youngest was born. So I can see where you'd assume your DH would evolve (along with the children!) as time would pass and the kids' needs grew- particularly their intellectual needs. I'd have more heart if your DH was working 12 hour days, busting his hump, up late preparing for early morning meetings. But he's just the man who isn't there. He's the absent father and husband in the room with you!
He's turned you into his own mother, forcing you into a position where you have to nag him to get results (sorry about that word 'nag'), and the worst bit is, he'll resent you for who he's turned you into. It's so unfair. You're doing your best here. You need to lay it all out there on the line with him. It's difficult though. He is very lazy and that's hard to knock out of a person. I can't see him changing, if I'm honest.
I can see why you'd be reluctant to leave, simply because of how uneasy you'd feel about the kids being left in his care during contact.
He's the dad who would forget to buckle up the kids in the car. Careless shit like this adds up. He sounds blind to risk and foresight. You can't really be all Zen and 'living in the moment', throwing caution to the wind, when you're raising kids. Wouldn't we all love to be so easygoing? But raising kids is a tough gig and requires dedication.