Help me with my ‘good time’ DH

[Jigglypuff89]

Hi all,

I’m really struggling with my DHs behaviour and lockdown seems to have amplified it. I’m quite an organised, methodical, boring person and when we met, I was attracted to DHs spontaneity and ‘good time’ attitude. I felt he really enriched my world as I’m bad at letting go.

10 years down the line I’m at breaking point. We have 3 DC, aged 7, 5 and 3 and he applies this who cares’ attitude to every aspect of our lives and I feel like I’m constantly picking up the slack. Worse still, as the children get older, they associate him with a good time and me with boring old chores. Finally, I feel I have to be almost more rigid to compensate for his choices.

For example, with the kids I can’t ask him to do a single thing and get it done. He has never turned up to a parents evening or a school play, even if he’s promised. I once made the mistake of not taking time off on the assurance he would attend parents evening, in the end I had to rearrange and attend another day. He will never ever ask the children to tidy, or do their homework or make their beds etc. I’ve tried really hard to hold firm and to lower my expectations. As an example, when my youngest was a baby, I’d ask him to do bedtime with the older two. He wouldn’t brush their teeth, wouldn’t remind them to wee, wouldn’t even put them in pjs!! So I thought, I can’t let the children suffer but I don’t want to let him do nothing. So I started brushing their teeth, dressing them for bed/ toileting and then passing them to him. He wouldn’t read them a bedtime story but I know that’s not essential (like teeth brushing) so I didn’t mention it, I make sure we read and snuggle during the day. However, he would just put them in bed and not stop them from talking / playing or hand them his phone if asked. They were only little and needed to be told to go back in bed. The result was the kids would be up far too late and impossible to get to bed, they’d behave poorly the next day and I still wouldn’t get an evening. Whenever we talked about it he’d promise to do better. He’s never nasty or mean or horrible with it, just everything has to be fun and easy. The kids associate nasty mummy with forcing them to go to bed and daddy as the fun parent.

This is just one example but it happens in every single area of our lives. I just can’t figure out how to get around it? I hate to say I’ve considered it but I think even separating wouldn’t help, as he’ll still be as lax when he has them. Has anyone coped with this?

IME you can be too different OP. He sounds a lazy parent tbh. I've had quite a few friends marry their total opposite & the novelty soon wore off & it all went downhill fairly quickly. Maybe if you prioritise a few absolute deal breakers & have a discussion round those, as he's not going to have a total character change is he? The rest, I'd resign myself to, but only if I wanted to make it work. Do other things make up for his parenting?

You're definitely not being unreasonable-its only fun if everyone's having fun and clearly only person is! (I'd argue that kids don't actually like instability/ no cuddles stories etc).

While in lockdown I'd take a fact based approach and avoid judgement words like 'fun' or even 'lazy' e.g

"DH when you put the children to bed last night, they didn't brush their teeth. They need to do that or could end up with pain/problems. Could you do that please next time - if I do it I basically do bedtime - doing that every night is tiring'
' I've asked you before to do XYZ because ABC- is that possible for you?'
Don't be afraid to state for what the outcome of avoiding parenting is e.g you might agree he needs to pick up other jobs, or counselling or whatever.

I think the key is re-positioning his own behavior in your own mind as avoidant/neglectful rather than 'fun' but putting the onus and responsibly on him rather than you to address.

I’m sure I’m echoing the thoughts of many others but he doesn’t sound like a good-time dad and husband, so much as a shit dad and husband.

Not bothering to turn up to plays and parents’ eveningS?! Where did he go instead.

He's a bum. He won't change.

"Good time DH"

Nah. He's just a common or garden "sexist pig".

Grand gestures do not a good father or a good partner make.

Not brushing DC teeth is neglect which is bordering on abuse. Shocking.

What does he say when you ask him "why haven't you brushed DC teeth?"
"Do you want them to get cavities?"

'Stealing the slack' is a life changing notion.

Should write an article about that and go viral.

He sounds terrible, lazy, neglectful and self centered.
You are enabling this awful behavior though by just picking up the chores he cannot be bothered to do.
If he puts the kids to bed and you say " have they brushed their teeth?" And he says "no" then why aren't you replying, " go upstairs and get them out of bed and do it with them"
Each and every time he tries to duck a job make him complete it properly until he understands that you won't do his work for him.
Why are you putting up with this? I would also look at this, maybe self esteem issues or family history?

If he takes out the phone and orders take away I'd get behind the plans and enjoy it. And the next day I'd be like oh it's still your turn to do dinner. I'd play him at his own game of chicken. I wouldn't care if I had take away every night for a week. If the kids aren't have crap at every other meal it won't kill them- it'll be like on holidays. Even if I was sick to the stomach of whatever it is I'd stick it out. If it got to two weeks I'd leave him.

I like that ^, theplotisgoneawayforever. Try it, OP.

I understand the dynamic here completely as my own relationship used to be similar.

He's not the carefree spontaneous one while you're the dutiful drag. And neither is he lazy or incompetent. The key thing you have to understand here is that the way his choices undermine you and the family is a hostile act. It's a form of aggression, or passive aggression if you prefer. The other key thing is that it's almost certainly not aimed at you. In my experience, this behaviour is all about his relationship with one or both of his parents, whom he will have perceived as manipulative or coercive. My guess is that he will have developed an attitude of passive resistence to them because active assertion (either by him or the other parent) led to some approximation of the sky falling in, e.g. threats to leave, plate throwing, or worse. The patient listening to your complaints and promises to change and do better are a classic way of avoiding confrontation.

You need to talk about this. Dig down into the respects in which, and reasons why, he is resisting you and childishly defying the order that a household with children requires, as a means to assert himself as an individual in the safe space of your longstanding relationship. He needs to understand what he is doing, and that it genuinely threatens your marriage, before he'll be able to change his behaviour (if he decides that he wants to make that effort).

Passive aggressive behaviour is fantastically difficult to move beyond but it can be done if the will is there. My relationship survived.

I am happy to be PM'd if more detail would be helpful to you.

OP this is no way to spend your one and only life. What’s his deal? Was he dragged up? Is his mother a martyr?
Your children will turn out exactly like him.

I'd give him one conversation.

That it's devastating that he doesn't care enough about his kids to look after them.
That he clearly doesn't love or respect you enough to step up and take equal responsibility.
That it's soul destroying to know that he expects you to do all of the parenting and give no help at all.
And that if he isn't prepared to change, then you will look at divorcing him.

DoesJeffKnow makes a really good point about neglect. I remember watching a documentary about social services and one of the red flags for one of the children was that the parents were incapable and unwilling to brush the little boys teeth.

I would make it clear what the consequences are of his laziness are - does he really want his kids to endure extractions and fillings because he's too bloody lazy to parent.

Also whoever it was that coined the phrase 'stealing the slack' needs to patent it and start a national campaign to stop it

Thank you for all the advice everyone and sorry I took so long to respond, I’ve got the children in bed and can now chat at leisure.

To the posters who had similar parents, I’m sorry for your experiences and thank you so much for sharing. I definitely tend to think about the future, perhaps to much, and I’m absolutely paralysed by the fear that my children will turn out just like him, they’ll all think I’m a joyless nag and I’ll lose my relationship with them. That’s my biggest fear. I know they’re only very little right now, but sometimes DS 5 says ‘I love daddy, he’s fun’ or ‘you make me do boring jobs mummy, I don’t like you’ and it cuts me to the core (the boring jobs are putting away his own toys)

I think I’m also embarrassed. I’m a bit embarrassed as I’m a stereotype of a dry, staid person (I’m even an accountant!) and it feels like I’m the one dragging the family down from this great adventure. I’m embarrassed because my parents told me DH and I were too different (personality and culture) and it would never work, turns out they were right and I was wrong.

I think DH’s upbringing definitely contributes to his attitude. I’ve never considered it in this context but FIL is a lot like DH. Rich, happy to throw his cash around, very effusive and loving but never actually around for the hard work or to muck in with anything. MIL I guess had enough with 4 dc and no help from FIL and just brought them up quite loosely - I know they got warnings from their school for lack of attendance etc growing up and my BILs seem to take a similar attitude to DH, although they don’t have children so it’s not as noticeable

But I’ve learnt these things so slowly over the years. I found out about the attendance warning this year as a throwaway comment. I was shocked but it hardly registered with them. It’s hard to explain, DH has a good job, he has friends, he isn’t aggressive or rude or a druggy etc he seems completely normal and lovely but just won’t contribute to anything ‘structured’ or not fun

@LostMyShitOnTheStorkExchange thank you, that sounds very familiar.

If he has a good job - does he behave like this at work?

If he has a good job he is capable of doing tasks and being accountable.

He doesn’t give a shit. “Forgetting” to brush teeth is neglectful, never remembering to turn up to a parents evening or a play will start to stick with the elder ones. I wouldn’t be nagging him I would have read him the fucking riot act and put a time scale on things improving or I’d be gone.

Also if you have sons I would not want them learning it is ok to treat your wife like this at all. It terrifies me that young children are having this outdated, heavily gendered shit normalised so young.

If he can work he can parent, everything isn't fun at work and neither is it as a parent.
If he is intelligent enough to work he is intelligent enough to understand this.

He doesn't choose to change his behavior. But you cannot change his behavior, all you can change is your behavior.

What change are you going to make? What do want your future to look like and what can you do to get there?

One can only speculate about his own hygiene. If he can't remember to make sure he children brush their teeth then he's presumably not bothered about his own dental standards? If he is then what a double standard, eh?

Does he clean his own teeth?

It worries me that a 5 year old is saying things like that - sounds like words being put into their mouth to me. If I ever heard anything like that I’d be quite firm and say “yes, I do make you do boring things, because it’s a parent’s job to make sure their children grow up knowing how to behave right and look after their things, and if I didn’t teach you, I wouldn’t be doing my job”. And if they complain again about it being boring you reply with a cheery “yes, I know, some things are. We still have to do them though so get it done quickly and we’ve time to do something fun.”

Also, being a organised, responsible adult isn’t being boring or staid. It’s...normal. Look around you. How many people go to work, pay bills, keep their houses clean, make their kids brush their teeth - like, the vast majority. Most people are boring and routine and predictable. It’s not doing it that’s weird.