In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

[Jjsiter]

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

@iklboo We don't know if the daughter does or does not want that

Exactly. But the OP wants her to start 'settling down'.

Sounds like a normal lifestyle to me 👌

@iklboo I just think op worded it badly. I don't think she is saying her daughter must now get married and pop out children right away. If it was my daughter I might worry if she has shown no sign of a partner that was a long term quality by late 20s just because if I knew she wanted kids then that could be an issue. Finding the right guy and getting to know the right could be a long process. If everything works out and she is lucky no problem but if she does not focus now she could find herself 40 and still no closer to what she wants

@lovepickledlimes - ah I get you. Sorry. I suffered with 'have you got a young man yet' parents. I met DH at 30, we got together properly when I was 32, married at 34, DS at 35. I know it doesn't happen like that for everyone though.

What an odd post!! She’s clearly happy and doing well for herself. You should be thrilled. Why on earth should she focus on “meeting a nice man”. Jesus what decade are we in??

@iklboo extactly. I do think at 27 it is an ok age to have honest concersation about what she really wants and if she is making decisions now that will allow this.

If she never wants kids or a house (perfectly fine) the way she lives now is no problem. If she does though she needs to start thinking where she is meeting the guys she has and maybe start to change where she meets them

I met DH at am dram of all places

Your DD is enjoying her life - that should be the most important thing to you - to know that she is happy.

Many decades ago I lived and worked in London, in a merchant bank and our lives consisted of long hours in the office, sometimes all day and all night, then several hours in the local bars and whatever time was left of the day was taxi home and spent sleeping.

Looking at the number of crummy men who women come on here to complain about, I think she's got it right. There's lots of time.

Sorry, posted too soon. I wasn't looking to find someone, settle down or anything (former abusive relationship). It just 'happened' without any discussion with my parents. Still doesn't mean they didn't worry though .

I’m 28, married with 2 DCs. I’d say 50% of people I went to school with have settled down & had kids and 50% haven’t.

I’m a bit jealous of your DDs life, it sounds fun

*do think at 27 it is an ok age to have honest concersation about what she really wants and if she is making decisions now that will allow this.

If she never wants kids or a house (perfectly fine) the way she lives now is no problem. If she does though she needs to start thinking where she is meeting the guys she has and maybe start to change where she meets them*

That’s her business though. Last thing and adult, nearly 30 year old wants is her mother sitting her down and wanting to know about her life choices.

If she has half a brain she will have thought about her future plans and how a man and family will fit in to that.

Leave her alone. It will come across as interfering, pressure to have kids and also that you don’t value her current achievements, just her failure to “catch a man”.

She doesn’t need to value herself by her man catching ability...

You sound incredibly judgemental. Good parenting!

The only bit I'd be concerned about is the amount and frequency of drinking and the possible long-term health impact.

Do t think it’s a particularly “new” normal. Par for the course when I worked in the city 30 years ago. I was married extremely young, among my peer group, at 25.

In the nicest possible way, if she’s happy, leave her alone.

@iklboo Fully get that. I guess you could say I looked for fiancé with the full intention of it being in a long term relationship etc. I was 24 by that time and only had one partner before that (was abusive and did not work out. I tried but it to force to make it work but therapy helped me realise that I needed to get out fast). It did take me 11 years with current dp to get engaged etc. I think both of us just wanted to be absolutely certain that we are a match and are compatible by living together for 10 years etc

Maybe she hasn't met the right woman to settle down with?

I think it’s normal everywhere really. I’m 29 and live in Australia and my friends of a similar age are very mixed in terms of lifestyle. Some married with 2 children and some still partying all night, living in bourse shares and attending uni. I think it’s a very varied age bracket where some people are ready to settle but you are still young enough to be enjoying a more social/party lifestyle if you want.

Mind your own business. She is an adult.
I can honestly say, looking at my mid-30s friends, I truly believe the single ones are happier on the whole than the others. I know this is not the case for everyone but why do you think an alternate lifestyle would be better for her?
It’s not just a London thing either. It’s a choice and independence thing.

Your daughter is FREE! Financially independent, no kids, no partner, no property, nothing to tie her down if she decides to just change everything. She's free! You should be thrilled for her.

Ask a few of your friends who are close to their married daughters about what they talk about together. Maybe you had a good marriage but a lot of them are quiet desperation (especially ones that were made to avoid 'leaving it too late' rather than "I like you so much and I want you around all the time"). Would you rather see your daughter locked into a mortgage, married to a man she no longer loves but is tied to by their children? I know the dream is her blissfully making cookies with your much loved grandchildren, but if that was what she wanted, she would be pursuing it. She sounds like she must be a very intelligent and confident character, so what makes you think she hasn't planned ahead, and doesn't have the capacity to know what's good for her?

Tbh I think you're letting your own history of infertility and desperately wanting a baby colour your view. You don't want her to suffer what you did. That's natural for a mother. But you have to accept that what you wanted so badly may be exactly the opposite of what she wants. And that you may not become a grandmother.

You've raised a successful, free woman. You should be thrilled.

Venicequeen — maybe. But I know q few very successful career women, none of them had kids or a proper relationship and guess what? In their fifties now they are lonely. Unlike their male counterparts who have a ready made family at home. Like it or not it’s not easy for women to have it all. I’m a feminist but a realist too.

I only have DD’s best interests at heart and simply want her to be happy, not just now, but in the future too. I think it’s normal as a parent to worry about your children no matter what age they are and I won’t be made to feel like a terrible mother for caring.

What makes you think that she’s not happy? What makes you think that the life you want for her in the future is a life that would make her happy? Nobody would criticise a mother for caring about their daughter but I’m not convinced you clearly see the line between caring about her and attempting to control her. The more you push, the further she’ll go.

But I know q few very successful career women, none of them had kids or a proper relationship and guess what? In their fifties now they are lonely.

Gosh, the 1950s are strong in this one. I know lots of successful female professionals, and all of them were perfectly capable of running their careers and having the kind of personal life they wanted - sometimes that was marriage and/or children, sometimes not. But they certainly aren't Tragic Left It Too Late Single and Childless Fiftysomethings.

Only someone with some really reactionary ideas about women and work would actually think that focusing on your career debars you from relationships/ a family.

Many parents wouldn't because men can father children even in their 70s.

I don't think many parents of boys have that mindset though...

OP - you can''t just assume your dd will have fertility issues because you did. You're different people.

Also I can't find any reference here to your DD saying she even wants DC's? Try not to project your wants onto her. It sounds like she's living the life she wants to live, you could try to be pleased for her...