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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
MarieQueenofScots · 12/05/2020 17:13

It is eminently depressing that "settle down" still means "find a nice man, pop out a couple of children"

NowSissyThatWalk · 12/05/2020 17:15

Jane Austen? Is that you?

wildcherries · 12/05/2020 17:18

Staying up all night indicates drug use? That's news to me. I stayed up all night frequently at her age - still do - and I've never touched drugs in my life.

Come off it. That's not a given. Let her be. And let her go.

iklboo · 12/05/2020 17:24

I'd imagine drug use yes. Cocaine likely.

Some people have a better imagination than JK Rowling.

Mintjulia · 12/05/2020 17:26

Op “secure her future” does not require settling down.

My future is and has been much more secure by not settling down.

By remaining single, your daughter retains control of her own money, her pension and her tenancy. She won’t have to face losing her home because her partner or husband has left for some other woman, clearing the joint account on the way and planning to sell the house from under her.

I know you want the best for your daughter but she is a grown woman who sounds capable of making the best choices for herself.

ClaryFray · 12/05/2020 17:27

What she wants for herself is not the same as what you want for her. Leave her be

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 12/05/2020 17:38

I would be utterly delighted if each of my children were living your daughter's life at 28. Its not as easy as you seem to think getting a highly paid job, having a great social life and enjoying life to full.

EmeraldShamrock · 12/05/2020 17:40

Her future is secure as an only child with a good education. My concern would be her lifestyle if she's doing drugs on these party nights, before anyone jumps on me drugs are a huge part with the social elite finance employees.

lovepickledlimes · 12/05/2020 17:42

I think OP is getting a hard time here. Her daughter is 28. Some at 28 don't realise that finding the right partner and to built that relationship to then start building a life together can be a 5-10 or even longer year project. Yes there are some that meet their husband at 30 and are married and with kids by 31 etc but not everyone is that lucky nor would I adivce anyone to have a child or marrige before living together for 2 years (it takes that long to really know someone). She just does not want her daughter to be 45 and all of the sudden realise she wants a house and family etc.

Justine1972 · 12/05/2020 17:43

I am 40, single, no kids and rent a room in a flat. I went to uni at 26 and got a early years degree. I have a good job as an early years teacher in a private school in west london and I'm very happy.

I obviously had the dream of a husband, good job, babies etc but it just never happened, well the baby part is down to infertility issues but everything else is pretty much how I want it.

Some people do not have the big dreams that others have and I can assure you that what you DD is doing is what most people her age are doing.

HyperHippo · 12/05/2020 17:50

Very normal. And normal to live this lifestyle with or without a partner. That is just one aspect of it so I wouldn't see a partner as going to 'solve the problem' or make her settle.
My DD is 27, works in the city and is just engaged but very much going out a few nights a week (I guess more bars or friends houses than clubbing as such) then up at 6:30am and into work the next morning. Very sociable with her partner doing the same, mainly together but sometimes with separate friends. She is one of the first of her friends engaged. It didn't bother her but friends asked if she felt it was young. In my day it would have been on the older side! How things change and I am glad. I think the previous rush to settle down promoted jumping into unhealthy realtionships. The slower way isn't perfect (fertility, running out of time and jumping at the other end etc) but it does promote the right relationship and growing up, over any old person from a young age when you don't really know yourself.

She socialises with some couples, lots of singles living in houseshares still, a few with parents (paying rent to them though). They also go to the gym nearly daily, lots of nice holidays or weekends away and see friends almost all weekend, or go away. I have no idea how they fit it all in as it seems non-stop to me. They also are saving for a flat and nearly there. Which astounds me as they seem to be out all the time but manage to save too.

I too in the past have questioned it all but it really is just the way of life.

It is full-on 24/7 (except now in lockdown...!!)
But they are happy and living their lives. When/if children come along for them, life will change a lot but they recognise that and so are making the most of it.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 12/05/2020 17:51

I think her lifestyle sounds great for someone her age. I was a divorced single mother by age 23, that's certainly no better!

IdblowJonSnow · 12/05/2020 17:52

I 'settled down' as you call it. I have less financial dependence than I did before I settled down!
Let her crack on. 28 is still very young, I was still travelling the world then.
Are you the same mum who posted recently about where their daughter should live and how much they should spend on rent?!
Either way please butt out and live your own life it's none of your business. Cant you just be glad she's happy?

HyperHippo · 12/05/2020 17:52

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking
I agree. The number of friends with DC at this age with depression, struggling in high powered jobs or all sorts of other situations is huge. A happy, fulfilled adult child is a really blessing.

georgialondon · 12/05/2020 17:53

That was me! Totally normal

ArbitraryNameChange · 12/05/2020 17:55

She's an adult and is living her life.

If she's not living it the way you'd like then that's not her problem!

In hindsight I do however wish I'd bought a house in my 20s, I'd be mortgage free by now if I'd stayed in the same house (bought in my mid 30s) but only from the financial freedom aspect, not from a 'conformity' aspect.

funnylittlefloozie · 12/05/2020 17:56

Reverse?

flamegame · 12/05/2020 17:58

I’d be concerned about her financial security, all parents worry but I do have so many friends whose kids have drifted and become depressed in their 20s. I know we want them to have it all but most people don’t and she’s got time on her side still.

firstimemamma · 12/05/2020 17:59

It's her life op and as long as she's happy and healthy then who cares if it's 'normal' in your eyes? Yabu I'm afraid.

She's an adult and can decide on the life she wants to lead.

walkingchuckydoll · 12/05/2020 18:08

@Lovepickledlimes

OP is getting a hard time because she first posted that her daughter broke up with a man and OP didn't like that. Then she posted that daughter moved to london and wanted to live her own life and she didn't like that. Now she's posting that daughter is partying. All in a quite short space of time. OP doesn't accept that daughter is making her own life. OP thinks that her way is the only way. Why I don't know since OP can't be that happy if she is constantly judging her daughter for living a good and sensible life instead of throwing herself at the first man that will impregnate her.

Sipperskipper · 12/05/2020 18:11

Sounds bloody brilliant to me, and I say this as a 'settled down' woman in her mid 30's.

GinWithASplashOfTonic · 12/05/2020 18:15

YABVUUUU
I still live with parents. In a crappy paid job. No real chance of moving out soon. No do on my life and no kids. Similar age to your DD.
So the fact that's moved out and has a decent job she's more along the settling down road than I am.
It will happen when it will happen. Not it when my mum nags enough it will happen. Stick your beak out and let her live the life she wants to

KatDubs261 · 12/05/2020 18:23

Speaking as a 28 year old, I left partying behind in early-mid 20s but I have lots of friends who still do it.

It is your DD's choice. It is her life. It is not easy to find men in a similar age bracket to settle down with either these days in my opinion.

Personally I am going to take life as it comes which will end in settling down or possibly not. You can bet if you start socialising these fears with her it will poison the relationship. You may not love the way she lives but there is not much you can do.

iklboo · 12/05/2020 18:28

I think OP is getting a hard time here. Her daughter is 28. Some at 28 don't realise that finding the right partner and to built that relationship to then start building a life together can be a 5-10 or even longer year project

What if the daughter doesn't want partner, kids, semi detached in a nice area with picket fence lifestyle. It's still none of OP's business. Of course she can worry / care - she's her mum. But she doesn't get a say in her daughter's life choices.

MrsWeatherwax · 12/05/2020 18:29

You need to spend more time doing what ever you want to do with your own life and less time judging your daughter's and dissapproving of her choices.

In the long term, if you continue in this vein, you'll likely find she has less and less to do with you, and your relationship becomes superficial as you aren't respecting and supporting the choices she has every right to make as adult.

I hope you can step back and be less overbearing and just be proud of who she is and what she's achieved.