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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

In thinking that DD should be settling down by now?

394 replies

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 11:11

DD turned 28 last week. She lives in central London (flat share with a friend) and has a good job in financial services. I’m very proud of her, we have always been close as she’s an only child and we are still in touch daily. Since moving to London 4 years ago, she’s spent her time there very much living the party lifestyle. Most weekends she’ll be up until the early hours with friends, drinking and doing god knows what else. Even during the week she’ll often be out drinking with colleagues after work and then be rushing to get to work the following morning after a very late night. DD’s whole life seems to revolve around socialising with her friends and partying, which is constantly a worry for me. For instance, she earns enough to be in the very fortunate position of being able to purchase her own property in London, but has shown no interest in doing this at all as she claims to prefer living with friends. Whilst she’s been ‘seeing’ men here and there, DD has never had a long term relationship despite interest from many suitable men. I’m happy that DD is enjoying herself, but I cant help but feel as though she has reached an age where she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

According to DD, her lifestyle is absolutely normal for somebody of her age living in the city and she has no plans to settle down. In fact, DD tells me that many of her close friends are in their 30s-early 40s and still living the same lifestyle. Admittedly I’m an older parent, but am I really so completely out of touch in that this is the new normal for professionals living in the city?

OP posts:
MiniCooperLover · 12/05/2020 16:22

lovepickledlimes, she's a 28 year old adult with a well paying job. I'm sure she's thought plenty about where her life is heading, she doesn't need her Mother to tell her to think about it ...

This is the third thread I've read where the mother comes across as desperate for the daughter to stop enjoying life in London and settle down. It's so depressing!

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 12/05/2020 16:26

she should be thinking about her future and may regret her decision in terms of failing to prioritise her health and well-being, meeting a nice man to settle down with and eventually looking to start a family.

You have got to be joking. The longer she can keep up the current lifestyle, the better. Just my opinion, of course ....

NiceLegsShameAboutTheFace · 12/05/2020 16:29

I'm in my 50s and lived exactly this lifestyle until I met DH early 30's

I'm in my 50s and still living this lifestyle now. It's just dawned on me what a disappointment I must be to my mother Grin

peperethecat · 12/05/2020 16:29

she's a 28 year old adult with a well paying job. I'm sure she's thought plenty about where her life is heading, she doesn't need her Mother to tell her to think about it

Exactly this.

I would understand the OP's concern if her daughter was floating around without any intention of getting a proper job, or was doing drugs, or had three children with three different fathers.

But we are talking about a woman in her 20s who has a well paid job, lives with friends in London independently of her parents, and is having a lovely time as well as being a functioning adult who pays her bills. These are good things!!!

allfurcoatnoknickers · 12/05/2020 16:34

Hahah, you sound like my Mum. I'm 33, married with a baby and still not settled enough for her liking. She doesn't understand why I haven't jacked in my career in favour of a "nice little job" and traded our quirky Victorian city center flat for a nice suburban new build.

Got married at 27 (practically a child bride in my circles), but we still didn't settle down - we were living (still live!) in city center flat, DH was making bank in finance and we just spent all out time gadding about, drinking, eating out and having fun. Right before I got pregnant with DS we flew out to San Francisco to go to a festival and then wine shopping in Napa Grin.

Now have a baby, and still not settled or settling. Let your daughter live her life - it may not be what you'd choose, but if she's happy, she's happy.

DamnYankee · 12/05/2020 16:34

I don't know why this is considered sad. It's her life, her choice.
OP, have you asked her what she wants?
I get your worries about her partying, but how much of this might be fueled by your desire to have grandchildren?

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 16:35

or was doing drugs

I think drugs probably are involved in many of DD’s all night parties, though of course she’d never tell me....hence the concern about her health and well-being as mentioned in my OP.

OP posts:
peperethecat · 12/05/2020 16:36

Do you have any particular reason to think your daughter is doing drugs? Seems an odd conclusion to jump to without any evidence.

intheningnangnong · 12/05/2020 16:38

Why would you "love and hope" for grandchildren?

Well I do and my kids are 9 & 11 Grin Far too old to have any more, but would love a chance of a grandchild one day. Come on, lots of people do

BrightYellowDaffodil · 12/05/2020 16:39

I only have DD’s best interests at heart and simply want her to be happy, not just now, but in the future too.

So why can't your daughter carry on living as she is now for the rest of her life as long as it makes her happy? Lots of us are significantly older than your daughter, have neither husbands nor children and yet are perfectly happy.

Jjsiter · 12/05/2020 16:41

I don’t have any evidence of it but I get the gist that drugs are sometimes involved. I’m not at all implying that DD has a problem, but it does concern me at her age. To be able to stay up all night without sleeping (which DD does on occasions) indicates drug use.

OP posts:
peperethecat · 12/05/2020 16:44

I have worked the kind of job your daughter does, and have at times partied hard and had too much to drunk on school nights. I've never touched drugs. You're doing your daughter a disservice by jumping to the conclusion that she does.

iklboo · 12/05/2020 16:44

To be able to stay up all night without sleeping (which DD does on occasions) indicates drug use.

I can stay up into the wee small hours. Always could. Nearly 51, no drug use ever.

peperethecat · 12/05/2020 16:44

And yes, it is perfectly possible to stay up all night without doing drugs.

Firsttimedogowner · 12/05/2020 16:45

I think it’s a long time since you’ve been young @jjsiter

My DB works in that finance world - he’s mid to late 30’s now with 3 kids and still manages the party to 5am with clients from the US when he needs to! I don’t know how he does it tbh bit from spending my whole 30’s going out with him including to raves and nightclubs we never ever ever touched drugs.

It sounds like your disapproval has led you to makeup a view of her life that isn’t realistic. I also was out till at least 4am at least once a week when I was single and 27/28

Morgan12 · 12/05/2020 16:46

I'd imagine drug use yes. Cocaine likely.

Sounds like she is having a ball. 28 is still very young.

walkingchuckydoll · 12/05/2020 16:47

. To be able to stay up all night without sleeping (which DD does on occasions) indicates drug use.

My dad does that age 73 without drugs.

You need to let her go. Why don't you get some therapy for yourself to deal with the fact that you have no say over her life? It would actually help instead of posting thread after thread. If you keep judging her you will push her away from you, is that what you want?

allfurcoatnoknickers · 12/05/2020 16:50

I've never done hard drugs and have stayed up all night and partied all night without them Confused. I think equating dancing until dawn with being a raging coke head is a bit extreme.

Firsttimedogowner · 12/05/2020 16:52

@Jjsiter I just read your previous post. You said you hope your daughter will start to settle down and make good choices to secure her future. But at 28 she has:

✅ high paying secure job - which must mean
✅ highly educated with a degree
✅ enough savings for a deposit
✅ happy and good mental health
✅ good supportive friends and social circle
✅ (hopefully) a good family support

That’s impressive!!!! And she is incredibly well set up for life. Maybe you should just come out with it and say you want her to find a husband and be a little housewife barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?

Be honest - would you be happy if she met a man, got married and had a child but stayed living in a London flat, kept her job full time and got an au pair to mind her child? I feel like you wouldn’t and envisage her staying at home with the children and moving back near you....

BlueJava · 12/05/2020 16:52

I think it's up to her entirely - her life, she is funding it. She is keeping in touch with you daily and I think that's pretty amazing at 28. I certainly wouldn't say anything to her if I were you as you'll risk the relationship. Just accept it and take the "good bits".

Blursula · 12/05/2020 16:54

Absolutely normal. I live in London too and loved living in my house share in my 20s. Didn’t marry and have kids til my 30s. I look back with no regrets and know i was having the time of my life and making the most of it while I could before the commitments of settling down. She sounds independent and fun loving and you should be proud of her. She will be fine.

Blursula · 12/05/2020 16:56

I should add not one of my friends here settled down in their 20s - completely the norm these days

Bluntness100 · 12/05/2020 16:58

I was thinking you must be a better person than this Op but then I saw your updates and I’m a little dismayed.

You want her to make sensible choices? She is. She’s holding down a good job and doing what’s right for her. This is sensible

It’s not the 1950 S. She doesn’t need to settle down with a nice man and have babies, she needs to live her life as she pleases. You only get one crack at it.

Stop putting your views onto her life. I’m sure she looks at you and doesn’t agree with many of your choices. But doesn’t wish to tell you.

Pay her the same respect.

paddlingwhenIshouldbeworking · 12/05/2020 17:06

50 now, lived your daughters life. Pulled many, many all nighters, including after I had children. Never taken a drug, which you can't get in Boots, in my life.

SpillTheTeaa · 12/05/2020 17:12

Maybe she's just a young independent woman who doesn't feel the need for a man?
They're pretty pointless things sometimes.